Someone I went to school with has put her teenage diaries online

[Freshpanic]

I was quite unhappy at school. I struggled with friendships and didn't always behave in very positive ways - I'm sure lots of people who knew me then don't remember me particularly fondly. I'm in my late 40s now and I'm much more sorted and have a pretty nice life.

I am still in IRL contact with one person from my schooldays, and there are maybe three people on my social media from back then (probably added on there about twenty years ago and we don't interact). One of these three people has a lifestyle type website with articles and a blog etc.

I was looking just now at the website and I see that about three years ago she started publishing instalments from her recently unearthed teenage diaries. She has changed names, but if you were there at the time then these are all easily decoded (the initial letters remain the same, have the same syllables etc.). I read them and quickly recognised myself. I don't feature a lot (we didn't really have a lot to do with one another) but needless to say, the twenty or so mentions of me are not flattering.

I know she can do whatever she likes with her diaries - she's changed names and it's her story to tell (and I'm the most minor of minor characters). But... I'm just so upset reading this. I don't like remembering how I was back then and try to avoid it. But I'm just horrified at the thought that if I am reading it, then lots of people I went to school with will similarly have read it and be remembering events and remembering me and how I behaved, rather than it staying in the past.

I just don't know what to do with how this is making me feel. Lots of self-loathing and shame and anxiety that I thought I'd left behind me.

Not even sure why I'm writing this, really. Just needed to tell someone about it, maybe?

One of my old classmates is a published author. She has written a book about her schooldays and I instantly recognised myself although names have been changed to protect the guilty! I found it rather amusing and I came out of it pretty well in quite an unconventional way. It seems I was popular because I was a rebel in a sea of good girls. I felt very sad though when I read how friendless and unattractive she felt. 😢

It's just a shock to you because it brings up certain feelings for you.. I can guarantee it won't mean f all to most people who read it even if they knew you then and figure out who you are. They will be too concerned with thinking about themselves. And most people were ridiculous as teens.. you say she even paints herself as ridiculous?! So you won't stand out at all.
This is just about your residual shame and guilt. Just let it go. Or if you like wrote underneath the post something like 'wow this brings back memories of how I used to be and I'm so glad I've changed as a person now. We've all come a long way it seems'
I personally think it's important to be able to sit at peace with your past. Be kind to yourself. You were just a kid
And of course this person is entitled to her narrative. But it's not necessarily the truth its just her perspective. Pretty sure anyone reading will understand that. And she was also just a kid when she wrote it.

The world is less anonymous since social media began. There will have been many people to see something in a movie, or to turn on the radio to have their life broadcasted publicly. No one knows it’s you. Most of us have cringe worthy memories from high school.

If she miss represented herself and her behaviour there is nothing to stop you sharing another perspective of what went on. I wouldn’t comment on anyone other than the author. And don’t make it sound like it came from you.

You may have been attention seeking when you were a troubled kid @Freshpanic but diary woman is attention seeking right now, as an adult, and using other people to further that for herself. It’s grossly narcissistic of her.

Be kind to yourself. The past is long gone and doesn’t have to define you. Everyone has done and said things they don’t want to be reminded of. Maybe have a little ceremony for yourself where you write down some thoughts about this/the past and burn them.

The thing is you need to remember she's written from her point of view and every single girl in the class would have had their own point of view. Each girl would also have their own backstory which shows why they would have acted in the way they did.

They didn't know your backstory. You didn't know theirs. Don't worry about it at all. Focus on not being the same girl you were then and treat everybody well, don't read the diaries and you'll be fine

Thank you all very much for the kind and supportive posts. I had a rubbish abd upset night but everything looks a bit better now it's morning!

I understand how you feel OP. My mum's childhood features in a published autobiography and she was very upset when it first came out. There wasn't anything particularly bad, but she remembered some things differently, and she just felt exposed and uncomfortable (she's a very private person). It's insensitive to do this and not consider the impact on other people.

I don’t believe anyone can become a completely different person.

Those that are saying they weren’t violent were probably just better at getting others to be violent for them which imo, is worse.

I accept I can’t change the past me and what I did but I am also not delusional enough to think that I am nice all the time now either.

@Freshpanic
I can understand your anxiety about this situation and I do sympathise.
I do think though that you should be looking at yourself today and congratulating yourself for the person you are now and the journey you have taken .
A challenging childhood has such a huge impact on a child and their behaviours , please don’t underestimate how much work you have put into yourself and how well you have done .

As a side note I was at a school reunion not so long ago and it was genuinely fascinating the variety in levels of recall between different people in my class .
Myself and a few others have excellent memories and could recount all sorts of incidents etc … some people were a bit “ think I remember something about that “ a few could stop laughing as they recognised other former classmates but barely remembered a thing !!!

be kind to yourself …

Difficult reading for you , but girls who bully at school reck lives some people never get over it tbh , most probably had their own difficulties hence their behaviour.
however
The fact that this has made you so uncomfortable, means that you have some apologising to do. I think it’s time to write some well drafted sincere vulnerable letters apologise from the heart doesn’t matter if you don’t hear anything back but for someone who was a victim of it to hear that it wasn’t their fault it was mainly about your own struggle and insecurity might really help them on their journey.
time to make amends

@MJMJMJMJ You really don't think that you can behave stupidly as a young person and become a better person as you mature? I cheated on my boyfriend when I was a teen, but I've been faithful to DH for 27 years now.

This is a horrible thing to do.
I very much doubt it is as innocent as you think.
There are scores to settle.

Some things should be left in the past. Everyone is a bit of a dick as a teenager but you were a child. You can’t judge yourself looking back with an adult’s eyes. I don’t know what I would do in your position. Asking her to redact, change or remove things only draws attention to it. I wouldn’t start writing apology letters either. I’d like to think you could just ignore it. But I can understand how you feel and it would upset me too.

Anyone you hurt back then already has their opinion of you. They either think badly of you already, or they don’t (maybe they take the “you were just young” view shown on this thread). This publication doesn’t make any difference.

Especially as you aren’t in touch with most of them anyway - so what does it matter if a few people you don’t see are reading a screen and thinking you were awful in the 1990s??

Just quit social media and get on with your life.

@LimeYellow anyone can be a better person whatever that ‘truly’ means.

Denying what you are capable of past, present or future is delusional.

OP should own her past behavior not try and excuse it away as not being as bad as this and that and try and hide from it in the 20 years of her being a ‘nice’ person now.

I am not judging. Just not trying to hide either.

I think teenagers could do silly things and be perfectly normal adult but no 'it just teenagers' or the usual 'hormones' is not an excuse

So i think people can learn but own their own behaviour first

And coming up with some backstory for someone choosing to do something is ridiculous no one knows someone else's motive

I just want to say that obviously everyone is entitled to their viewpoints on this, and I know I'm not the thread police, but I did post this in Mental Health not AIBU. I'm not trying to excuse my past behaviour at all, it's just that I'm feeling very emotionally vulnerable right now and I posted for support and advice with this aspect of it. Getting a bit of kicking from a couple of people isn't great for me tbh.

Ignore those people OP! They don't know the details and they don't know you. Just listen to those of us telling you to be kind to yourself. You're feeling awful because those teen years are still such a painful memory for you, but i guarantee these diaries won't be bothering you anywhere near as much once the surprise of the discovery wears off. As others have pointed out- youre a such small character in them and you're not in touch with these people anyway. Sending hugs- give yourself permission to just forget you even know they exist

100% this 👆

Once the initial shock and anxiety has passed, you'll see things from a different perspective, so I wouldn't do anything until things have settled a bit.