Someone I went to school with has put her teenage diaries online

[Freshpanic]

I was quite unhappy at school. I struggled with friendships and didn't always behave in very positive ways - I'm sure lots of people who knew me then don't remember me particularly fondly. I'm in my late 40s now and I'm much more sorted and have a pretty nice life.

I am still in IRL contact with one person from my schooldays, and there are maybe three people on my social media from back then (probably added on there about twenty years ago and we don't interact). One of these three people has a lifestyle type website with articles and a blog etc.

I was looking just now at the website and I see that about three years ago she started publishing instalments from her recently unearthed teenage diaries. She has changed names, but if you were there at the time then these are all easily decoded (the initial letters remain the same, have the same syllables etc.). I read them and quickly recognised myself. I don't feature a lot (we didn't really have a lot to do with one another) but needless to say, the twenty or so mentions of me are not flattering.

I know she can do whatever she likes with her diaries - she's changed names and it's her story to tell (and I'm the most minor of minor characters). But... I'm just so upset reading this. I don't like remembering how I was back then and try to avoid it. But I'm just horrified at the thought that if I am reading it, then lots of people I went to school with will similarly have read it and be remembering events and remembering me and how I behaved, rather than it staying in the past.

I just don't know what to do with how this is making me feel. Lots of self-loathing and shame and anxiety that I thought I'd left behind me.

Not even sure why I'm writing this, really. Just needed to tell someone about it, maybe?

She does seem nice, and I'm sure she would edit it if I asked but I don't really want to contact her as I'm just too mortified, but also think that as she posted these about three years ago, most people who would be likely to recognise me will have done so already, so the ship has sailed.

Be kind to your younger self. You don’t have to be proud of your poor choices when you were younger but try and see them through a compassionate prism - as you would if it were your niece. It’s ok to acknowledge that your behaviour was unacceptable but also recognise that you have grown through and away from that version of you.
And also remember that no one else will give a shit - that should help too!

Thank you, I do appreciate all the kind and sensible advice. It's been really good to be able to talk about this.

@MovingCrib the OP feels uncomfortable because of her own behaviour, there is no point pretending that’s not the issue. However as I said she’s changed so needs to let the shame go.

Someone that was at school at the same time as me (though a different year) wrote a sex memoir and had it published, which was very unflattering to a lot of people, but because she included a disclaimer at the front about it being her own recollection and others may vary, and changed the names, there was nothing they could do about it. It was very upsetting for them all round. I can't imagine what possesses someone to do that. However several years on, it's faded away and as pp have said, the only people who would know who the individuals are, are those who were around at the time. None of those thought it reflected badly on the people referenced - more on the author.

@MovingCrib has it totally right in my view. Lots of us have done idiotic things in our youth. All we can do is try to do our best going forwards. 💐

This sounds difficult, but I’m struck by you saying people will recognise you if they were there at the time. Don’t those people know this stuff anyway? And the people to whom it’s new won’t recognise you?

Whatever you did and whyever you did it, you can’t change it now. But you have grown up and no longer behave like that. The fact that you can recognise how silly and thoughtless you were as a teenager - as many of us were - shows that you have changed. Forgive yourself, put it behind you and just take comfort in the fact that you don't behave like that any more. Anyone who knows you now will realise that.

Also, I doubt anyone is reading this anyway. It sounds so, so, so cringe to put her teenage diaries on her website.

What a weird thing for her to do. It says more about her than you.

I've got mine in the loft somewhere and I wouldn't dream of doing that. I just can't fathom the motivation for it.

Yes, absolutely. It's just that one of the ways I've tried to let go of that time is to tell myself that no-one remembers it really. It's the idea of all these people having it vividly brought back to them that is so mortifying and upsetting, if that makes sense?

If someone did that to me i really couldn't care less as a 40+ year old. It speaks more about her wierdness. School is such a distant memory.

Yes, I thought this.

I wouldn't contact her, because it won't do you any good to rake it up. It will fade. Try to put it behind you and not be tempted to taunt yourself by looking at it, and as others have said, be kind to your younger self.

But nobody deserves to have their nose rubbed in it publicly decades later.

It does sound like a bit of an odd thing to do.

Do the diaries read like they were written by a stroppy teen in the 90s, or are they suspiciously wry, witty, literate and affectionate?

I think she's probably polished them a bit. But it's definitely real.

I don't know, I think she just wanted to be a bit of nostalgic fun.

But nobody deserves to have their nose rubbed in it publicly decades later.

The diary writer feels different though…

It's just that one of the ways I've tried to let go of that time is to tell myself that no-one remembers it really. It's the idea of all these people having it vividly brought back to them that is so mortifying and upsetting, if that makes sense?

well no one might have read it anyway & some of the people who felt like that may have felt this way regardless whether it was brought up or not.

One of my now best, most lovely, kind and thoughtful friends revealed she was an utter horror in her youth and really not a very nice person - I truly couldn't believe she was describing herself! It actually made me respect her more than I already did - it took a huge amount of counselling and reflection for her to make the changes she needed. She is very successful now. And lovely!!

IMHO the only ones who might remember or recognise you from the exerts, and judge you for it, are people who are probably not very nice now and not worth knowing!

You need to forgive yourself. It's a really powerful thing to do. Maybe that's the only thing you need to do right now, rather than worry about the opinions of anyone else.

You're right. No-one who knew me then is likely to be shocked. I wasn't well-liked. And tbh I'm such a tiny character I'm sure they have far more to reminisce about than my nastiness. I

It's just not nice suddenly being reminded out of the blue like that. But maybe it's also an opportunity for you to reflect on how far you've come, and congratulate yourself. Many don't do the work, which you clearly have.

Kids do stupid things and say stupid things. Teens even more so. Thats just how it was for you OP and now it isnt. End of story. Dont look at it, dont read it, its over now.

Honestly, I don’t remember people from school except my close friends. I do remember the girl who bullied me one year, but there is no way on earth I would waste time reading a version of her on someone’s blog or social media or whatever format and I would not recognise her in the street. I remember a fifteen year old, who she is not anymore. Nobody cares. The author probably has amused themselves doing it, but honestly, you could have been at my school and I would be scratching my head going, who? I don’t remember the vast majority of people in my sixth year photo.

And as you say, you have a small part in these diaries, not even as big as the girl who bullied me if I were to do a version. Which would mostly be - who were all these people?

Are the diary entries likely to be seen by many people?

Ummmm. Don't know. I think it's quite successful. But these are old posts - three years back.

OP I totally sympathise with you. I was not a very nice person for a couple of years of my teens. Again, not violent but not nice at times which was due to what was happening at home. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and so I can totally see why you feel the way you do. I am a completely different person now and if anything it’s made me always try really hard to a good and honest person in my adult life. I can totally feel your pain.