Just realised single friend is not coping

[Motherofjeebus]

I have a friend who went through a tough time after a bad breakup a few years ago. She since moved back from London to our area (where we all grew up), got a new job and bought a house.

She's not great at keeping in touch but I see her when our friendship group meets up once or twice a year and she's always in great form. I felt bad I'd not been to see her new house so last time we all met up I asked when I could come visit and she refused point blank saying its a mess and she needs to fix it up before any invites go out. I offered to help with DIY and she said it's OK.

Yesterday, I was passing near where she lives and sent her a message to see if she wanted to meet for a cuppa. She said she was sick and had been in bed for a couple of days. I offered to bring her something and she said no but I told her I was coming anyway and wanted to check on her since she said she was really bad.

When I got there, she opened the door and looked terrible. Her hair was in huge knots, practically matted, and she smelled stale. She let me in and... to say I was shocked by her house is a massive understatement. Its not just messy but it's filthy and unhygienic. Bins overflowing, sink and counter full of dirty dishes, cat litter tray stinking and litter scattered all around. Every surface was dirty and had stuff on it. The floors and windows are manky. Unopened post on the floor. Dust everywhere. I can't describe how bad it is. It's certainly not just a few days that she has been neglecting the house.

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say so ashamedly I pretended to ignore it and when she apologised for the mess I told her don't worry we all let things go once in a while and that she should see the state of my place with 2 kids and 2 dogs. I gave her some medicine, fruit, chocolate and magazines that I bought her. I said no to a cup of tea and left soon after, telling her to call me if she needs anything.

I feel like I majorly copped out. I can't stop thinking about her but I'm not sure what to do. I've known her for 3 decades and I've visited her in various homes over that time. She was always super clean, very organised and as a person she was also always clean, fit and well presented. This has to be a red flag regards her mental state, right?

She has no family apart from an unwell elderly father and a sister who she sees once a year at Christmas. She works full time and has mentioned that shes struggling to make ends meet. She's only 43.

I guess I'm looking for advice. Wwyd?

Goodness I could have written this myself after visiting a friend a few months back. Always immaculately turned out, well dressed but was shocked to see her house, particularly the kitchen a state with dishes left for days, I was staying a couple of nights and it was a thought to even make a cup of tea. I've been wondering how to approach without coming across as insensitive but feel like I should say something but coming at it from a kind angle. Sorry I don't have much advice. Do you think it would be appropriate to initiate a conversation along the lines of, how are you doing? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Can I help with anything? Even a prompt such as if you are feeling everything is too much how about getting a cleaner in? It's a tricky one. You are nice for being concerned

Go round and clean up, I guess.

Go back round, offer to help clean up then talk to her about getting some help. Can you look after the cat for a while.

I've been thinking to do that, just show up at her house again and start cleaning but I'm feeling hesitant. Is it really OK to do that or would she be very embarrassed and hurt? I can't hack it when visitors clean anything in my house unless it's the table after a dinner party and even then I prefer to do it myself.

As I said we haven't seen a lot of each other since she moved up from London. I'm thinking to push myself on her a bit from now on and just be in her area more for walks and cuppas.

Since you know her such a long time, can’t you just ring her up tomorrow or something to check back in and ask her is she ok generally as she doesn’t seem herself? You could mention about her house being messy/ dirty specifically but I don’t think you necessarily need to. She will tell you what you can do to help, if she wants to.
My mother is bipolar and was very ill one time years ago. The house was a complete tip. She had to be hospitalised and we cleaned out the house while she was in there. You’ll know if it gets to that level, otherwise you can only really ask if someone needs help. They’d have to be in a very bad way for you to intervene if they haven’t asked for it.

No, you absolutely can’t do that. You can’t just start cleaning some one else’s house.

You're right. I'll call her tomorrow to see how she is and if she was able to go to work. She said yesterday she'd be good for Monday but it gives me a reason to check in. I'll ask her to meet up with me next Saturday since she was unwell this time round.

She sounds very depressed. Poor woman. Try to keep being a friend to her, I think she needs it.

I tried with two friends to sustain them through ongoing mental health problems and I learned very quickly that it can become very draining very quickly if they are too unwell to match your input on their own behalf. Mental health problems of that scale require a marathon not a sprint. Devoting a huge amount of time now short term that you cannot sustain will quickly become an expectation when someone is ill and she sounds very unwell. In general how much time can you devote to this friend? Start there and set some reasonable limits on your time and energy and give her what you can offer over a sustained period of time. She needs outside support too though and she needs to take ownership of her issues without that it is impossible to see anything other than a dependency coming out of you helping her in the relationship.

I'm like this. Don't know whether your friend's reasons are similar to mine, but the overall picture's the same. I would bloody love a friend to come over and sort out my filthy chaos! Just to shift the overwhelm.

It wouldn't create a dependency, I'd have more mental space to handle stuff if I weren't constantly wading through evidence of my Failure At Life.

You're a nice friend. Please do whatever you can to help - but never more than you can spare.

I don’t think you can assume she has serious mh problems based on what you’ve described. Or any mh problems. Tangled hair and a messy house don’t necessarily mean she’s depressed or anything.

The thing is though, she is doing very well at work and puts in a lot of hours, although i don't think she is being paid enough. When she comes out to see myself or any of the others in our friendship circle, she is upbeat, fun and friendly.

The only difference we had noticed was that she has gained quite a bit of weight in the last year or so, when she was always slim. What I'm trying to say is that if I was to suggest to anyone in our mutual circle that she's depressed, they wouldn't believe me.

She might not be, then. Just talk to her, there may be another reason for the weight gain etc she hasn’t discussed with you. A physical health condition or something.

But it's not just messy though, it's properly filthy and it's a massive departure from her usual behaviour. That's what I find so shocking. Her home was always immaculate. It's not right. But I'll talk to her. I think she needs it. We all get so tied up with our own stories and families that I think she has slipped through the cracks a bit.

It was good to write all this down here and I appreciate your responses. This has been more help than I had hoped.

Could you text her and word it like you assume it’s because she is ill?

‘Hi friend, you mentioned the other day you feel like you’re not as on top of cleaning whilst you are so ill so was thinking I’ll come over and help seeing as you are so poorly. Won’t take no for an answer- we’ve all been there and I know how it feels when it’s so overwhelming. I’ll be over on x day - let me know if that doesn’t work and we’ll choose a different day. See you then x x x’

I’m concerned for any animals she has there tbh.

Definitely talk to her. You sound like a good friend. It can be helpful to get advice, but no one on here actually knows what is going on with your friend. Only she does. And you’re best placed to know if something doesn’t seem right. I hope your friend is okay.

She knows she's drowning.
You know she's drowning
She's got little to no support network.
She knows you've seen it, if you don't air your concern for her she'll feel even less seen and even more like her struggles are unseen and no one cares enough to put out a hand.

But it's delicate. Personally I couldn't turn a blind eye to that.
In my professional capacity that would be a call to adult social services to see if any mental health support could be found.

As a friend of many many years, you could meet her somewhere quiet and neutral, then tell her you want to talk to get about the fact that you could see her usual personal habits might be out if Rach for her right now. That you think that would be understandable given all her recent upheaval and changes. Tell her everyone needs someone and you would like to support her.

Tell her the support could be various things.
Helping her feel less alone in her world, a listening ear, close than the twice a year get together.
She might be getting overwhelmed so helping her get on top of things by just being a supportive presence while she makes some tricky phone calls, or tackling some of the stuff together.

I think the last thing you should do is ignore this, she could fall deeper into depression and the further and longer it goes on the harder it is to get back.

The fact she still meets up shows she does want contact with others, she needs people.

Talk to her, but gently with dignity.

Thank you so much. I want to help her in any way I can. Obviously I have my own work and family but I can make time to see her and get more involved with her. Our friendship has always been strong even though she lived away but it has faltered in the years since covid. To be honest our whole group has drifted quite a lot. She's a wonderful person with a golden heart so it hurts to see her unwell and it'll be a big positive for me to have her around more. If she wants to be, of course.

I find you have to tell them you’ll do it as if you ask they will say they will do it.

I’ve deep cleaned and gutted my sisters house multiple times. It’s always reverts back but I don’t care if I have to do it 100 times as she feels so much better for it being clean and tidy.

Thank you for being there for her. Any of us could be this person depending on life effects and we all need someone to come and walk with us through our dark days sometimes.

It's sad that not everyone has that and I'm glad your friend has you and I'm sure she will be a positive to your life.

COVID has caused lots of damage and created distance in many relationships and I think a lot of people are poorer (in the sense of friendships) in their lives for it.

I just want to say what a good friend you are. I also have no support network an elderly mother and what I wouldn't give to have someone like you around!

I moved last year and I tried to ask a couple of "friends" for help and I got nowhere. I think the main thing is just offer to do whatever you're prepared to do. She might be slightly overwhelmed by accepting it because it does all feel very embarrassing. Probably even more so because she hasn't asked you and she was trying to hide things.

That is such a kind practical support to give your sister, you sound very kind. I think it is a really good one too because when our surroundings a shit it makes everything else so much harder.

@Motherofjeebus I do think if you have a bit of time to commit to your friend that helping her clean her home and getting her to see a professional are probably two of the most practical supports you could offer.

You sounds like a good friend Message her early this week and ask how she is and if she managed to get into work.

Suggest meeting for a coffee or a walk next weekend, so she's not embarrassed about having you round again, and giving a free option in case money is an issue.
Chat like normal, but ask questions, how is work? Her dad? Relationships?
If she mentions her flat then offer to go round and help her get it back to normal, make sure she knows you don't judge and say it can be really hard after being unwell. Even make up a white-lie and say your really let things slip after having a baby and you're so grateful for DM/MIL/SIL for rallying round and helping get you back on track.

I think it’s different with a family member though.