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Original poster

Just realised single friend is not coping

52 replies

Motherofjeebus · 24/11/2024 15:26

I have a friend who went through a tough time after a bad breakup a few years ago. She since moved back from London to our area (where we all grew up), got a new job and bought a house.

She's not great at keeping in touch but I see her when our friendship group meets up once or twice a year and she's always in great form. I felt bad I'd not been to see her new house so last time we all met up I asked when I could come visit and she refused point blank saying its a mess and she needs to fix it up before any invites go out. I offered to help with DIY and she said it's OK.

Yesterday, I was passing near where she lives and sent her a message to see if she wanted to meet for a cuppa. She said she was sick and had been in bed for a couple of days. I offered to bring her something and she said no but I told her I was coming anyway and wanted to check on her since she said she was really bad.

When I got there, she opened the door and looked terrible. Her hair was in huge knots, practically matted, and she smelled stale. She let me in and... to say I was shocked by her house is a massive understatement. Its not just messy but it's filthy and unhygienic. Bins overflowing, sink and counter full of dirty dishes, cat litter tray stinking and litter scattered all around. Every surface was dirty and had stuff on it. The floors and windows are manky. Unopened post on the floor. Dust everywhere. I can't describe how bad it is. It's certainly not just a few days that she has been neglecting the house.

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say so ashamedly I pretended to ignore it and when she apologised for the mess I told her don't worry we all let things go once in a while and that she should see the state of my place with 2 kids and 2 dogs. I gave her some medicine, fruit, chocolate and magazines that I bought her. I said no to a cup of tea and left soon after, telling her to call me if she needs anything.

I feel like I majorly copped out. I can't stop thinking about her but I'm not sure what to do. I've known her for 3 decades and I've visited her in various homes over that time. She was always super clean, very organised and as a person she was also always clean, fit and well presented. This has to be a red flag regards her mental state, right?

She has no family apart from an unwell elderly father and a sister who she sees once a year at Christmas. She works full time and has mentioned that shes struggling to make ends meet. She's only 43.

I guess I'm looking for advice. Wwyd?

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 03/12/2024 14:37

You sound lovely, OP and I think your approach after brunch was very good.
It can be very difficult to accept help even though you know you need it.

I would ask her about HRT if it is appropriate. One of my symptoms pre HRT was lack of energy and a total 'meh' attitude to life. Everything was a chore, and I mean even tiny things like walking two extra steps and putting a tea bag straight into the bin rather than just leaving it on the sink.

WomenInConstruction · 03/12/2024 16:49

noobiedoobie · 26/11/2024 07:35

I was that friend. I have adhd and the pandemic made it much worse. WFH for charity sector, blurring of boundaries between work and home.

I have an amazing organised friend who checks on me a lot. Honestly it mostly phone based support as we are not in the same town and I probably see her every few months when she arranges nights out. I've known her for a long time and the friendship is very dear to me. Its also good as it takes me outside of my bubble to be there for her sometimes etc.

On the helping to clean front...I struggled for ages to get on top of things. What helped in the end was decluttering. I started listening to podcasts (Declutter Bug etc.). There are professional Declutterers (my friend is one in the SE and I can share her details if you want to DM me). It's the same friend I mentioned above. I listen to lots of positive mindset podcasts in my spare time and have done a free personal finance course with rebel finance school, and am looking at other courses to develop myself and also joined Brave Starts which helps people in their 40s get excited about next decade of work , change careers etc. It's a £50 programme for one year but well worth it. I sign up and attend zoom meetings for all kinds of things where I learn stuff. Have also been doing some counselling.

My mum was coming round to help me clean but this didn't really help as it would pile up again.

What did help was buying a dishwasher. It cost ££ to get it installed as its integrated but it changed my life with having a busy life. I also now have places for everything.

I can't spend more than a day or two on my own so having things I do like the gym, also joined a couple of social clubs.
I bought a 2nd freezer and I batch cook so I can eat well without much effort.

I don't want to admit how bad it got at its worst but it can definitely get better. The external mess is a representation of the not coping.

She may also be getting perimenopausal if her motivation is low but exercise and diet help lots.

So it's a combination of talking support and finding solutions to make day to day life a little better.

Body doubling is great - Dubii app, Focus Mate, Flown etc. I use them all the time.

Also Access to Work is worth a look, theres a scheme if you have anxiety, depression etc.- they funded a sit stand desk and some ANC headphones which have helped so much.

I don't know her work situation but I wouldn't rule out her getting signed off for a month to get things back on track.

Sorry thats a bit rambley. I think in a way its a natural process and from it you emerge stronger to face things.

Oh wow.

I didn't know these things you mentioned were out there! I need some of these!

Thanks for giving your experience.

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