Just realised single friend is not coping

[Motherofjeebus]

I have a friend who went through a tough time after a bad breakup a few years ago. She since moved back from London to our area (where we all grew up), got a new job and bought a house.

She's not great at keeping in touch but I see her when our friendship group meets up once or twice a year and she's always in great form. I felt bad I'd not been to see her new house so last time we all met up I asked when I could come visit and she refused point blank saying its a mess and she needs to fix it up before any invites go out. I offered to help with DIY and she said it's OK.

Yesterday, I was passing near where she lives and sent her a message to see if she wanted to meet for a cuppa. She said she was sick and had been in bed for a couple of days. I offered to bring her something and she said no but I told her I was coming anyway and wanted to check on her since she said she was really bad.

When I got there, she opened the door and looked terrible. Her hair was in huge knots, practically matted, and she smelled stale. She let me in and... to say I was shocked by her house is a massive understatement. Its not just messy but it's filthy and unhygienic. Bins overflowing, sink and counter full of dirty dishes, cat litter tray stinking and litter scattered all around. Every surface was dirty and had stuff on it. The floors and windows are manky. Unopened post on the floor. Dust everywhere. I can't describe how bad it is. It's certainly not just a few days that she has been neglecting the house.

I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say so ashamedly I pretended to ignore it and when she apologised for the mess I told her don't worry we all let things go once in a while and that she should see the state of my place with 2 kids and 2 dogs. I gave her some medicine, fruit, chocolate and magazines that I bought her. I said no to a cup of tea and left soon after, telling her to call me if she needs anything.

I feel like I majorly copped out. I can't stop thinking about her but I'm not sure what to do. I've known her for 3 decades and I've visited her in various homes over that time. She was always super clean, very organised and as a person she was also always clean, fit and well presented. This has to be a red flag regards her mental state, right?

She has no family apart from an unwell elderly father and a sister who she sees once a year at Christmas. She works full time and has mentioned that shes struggling to make ends meet. She's only 43.

I guess I'm looking for advice. Wwyd?

Could you offer to pay for a professional deep clean of her home? If she declines say it's an early xmas pressie and maybe take her out for lunch while it's being cleaned as she'll feel so much better coming back to a clean and tidy home

I've had to accept help from friends before (physical illness, then got a bit depressed). I had a couple of friends visit who I knew wouldn't judge, and it was lovely to see them and they brought home cooked ready meals offered emotional support, which was lovely. But another friend said she'd like to help more, could she help me do a bit of clearing up and asked where she could start. That was so overwhelmingly brilliant and we tackled getting th dishwasher loaded. She offered to come back again as she enjoyed helping me and knows I'd help her too. So please do reach out, my frien offered it in such a way it was hard to refuse. Lovely bunch of friends I have and you sound one too.

I personally would both, appreciate if I was her, and be inclined to take, a kind honest approach...

Like, 'i can see your flat isn't up to your usual standard and I know you really well, so I know this is out of character for you. I think you may not have your emotional chin above water right now, but I just see someone I care about who maybe needs some loving support right now and I would be honoured to be able to help you. I value you as a person so much that it would be my pleasure to help you. Would you be comfortable to let me give you a hand?'

Respectful
Making it feel safe to be vulnerable
Gracious giving

You know her personality though, maybe she is very proud and private and this wouldn't be the right approach, but it would be good for many folk.
No beating around the bush (the implication being that this is shameful), just transparent care allowing the sunlight in and making it feel acceptable that she might not be 100% ok all alone right now.

How gorgeous!
So glad you had that.

I'm picturing getting some music on and having a good giggle wandering down memory lane while the house gets blitzed.

Yes it was lovely. She just made it such a non-issue and asked if she could shove some things in the dishwasher for me (I'd had surgery so had trouble bending down). Then said shall we clear some stuff from the sink and we just kind of started together and got a load of washing on too. Just little bite-sized pieces and came back again the next week. Lovely person she is.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. And for those of you who have been in this situation, it really helps to see it from the point of view of those who have helped or who needed help.

I agree on the covid thing. She was always a host and liked to have people round all the time when she was in London but then her life changed so much, her marriage broke down just before covid hit and then she went through all the lockdowns alone when she should have been going wild or travelling or starting a business or doing whatever most of my other friends had the chance to do after their past ltr breakups.

Poor lady! What a car crash of terrible timing!!
What am awful convergence of challenges, no wonder she's not her shiny best!

I hope she gets back there.

I wasn't coping and a friend said to me that she loved me too much to see me suffer as I was. She then did stuff to help me. It made me realise that I've traded so much on "oh I'm fine" in the past because I didn't believe I was worth other people looking after - I always looked after them tho (long family story). So she did me a massive favour not just in her practical support but also in shifting my sense that no one would ever take care of me.

So maybe your friend might also respond like that. But what do you have to lose? You sound absolutely lovely.

Sorry to hear you are struggling @SqualidSlob .
I hope you find a way through and hopefully some support so you aren't soldiering on alone. Life can be tough and there's no shame in needing help.

The amount of loneliness and depression in people who look outwardly ok is staggering. I'm so glad you've noticed things aren't right whatever it is that is actually going on.

Just want to say what a kind person you are.

Definitely do something. You can't not. But don't do more than you're able. Don't commit to going around every week to clear up or anything like that. Just be a friend. Be around. See if she opens up.

Please just dont start cleaning up. She’s still entitled to her boundaries. But you absolutely should get back in touch and gently raise the subject that you are worried abut her. The mess - as unpleasant as it is - is secondary to her being able to have a conversation with someone about how she’s feeling. Cleaning up without her permission could be seen as criticism - the last thing she needs right now.

I was that friend. I have adhd and the pandemic made it much worse. WFH for charity sector, blurring of boundaries between work and home.

I have an amazing organised friend who checks on me a lot. Honestly it mostly phone based support as we are not in the same town and I probably see her every few months when she arranges nights out. I've known her for a long time and the friendship is very dear to me. Its also good as it takes me outside of my bubble to be there for her sometimes etc.

On the helping to clean front...I struggled for ages to get on top of things. What helped in the end was decluttering. I started listening to podcasts (Declutter Bug etc.). There are professional Declutterers (my friend is one in the SE and I can share her details if you want to DM me). It's the same friend I mentioned above. I listen to lots of positive mindset podcasts in my spare time and have done a free personal finance course with rebel finance school, and am looking at other courses to develop myself and also joined Brave Starts which helps people in their 40s get excited about next decade of work , change careers etc. It's a £50 programme for one year but well worth it. I sign up and attend zoom meetings for all kinds of things where I learn stuff. Have also been doing some counselling.

My mum was coming round to help me clean but this didn't really help as it would pile up again.

What did help was buying a dishwasher. It cost ££ to get it installed as its integrated but it changed my life with having a busy life. I also now have places for everything.

I can't spend more than a day or two on my own so having things I do like the gym, also joined a couple of social clubs.
I bought a 2nd freezer and I batch cook so I can eat well without much effort.

I don't want to admit how bad it got at its worst but it can definitely get better. The external mess is a representation of the not coping.

She may also be getting perimenopausal if her motivation is low but exercise and diet help lots.

So it's a combination of talking support and finding solutions to make day to day life a little better.

Body doubling is great - Dubii app, Focus Mate, Flown etc. I use them all the time.

Also Access to Work is worth a look, theres a scheme if you have anxiety, depression etc.- they funded a sit stand desk and some ANC headphones which have helped so much.

I don't know her work situation but I wouldn't rule out her getting signed off for a month to get things back on track.

Sorry thats a bit rambley. I think in a way its a natural process and from it you emerge stronger to face things.

Just realised how odd that sounds to say I was that friend. Not literally. You know what I was meaning!

Like any friend i would be there if they needed me but op please don't make this about you and 'saving her'

Your intentions may seem good but the best thing i can suggest is be there and listen and take it from there

Do not assume and do not take over

Thank you again everyone for taking time to read and give such insightful comments and ideas.

I called her last Monday and she was still unwell so I invited her to go for a walk and a bite yesterday. I called again to confirm on Friday and she was unsure but I was looking forward to it so I told her I'd be disappointed if we didnt meet up.

I'm lucky because my husband takes the kids every Saturday morning anyway and he also adores this lady so he's backing me fully in wanting to support her. She used to be around ours all the time throughout the years and we miss spending time with her, so we can be selfish in our intentions too, which I don't think is bad.

Yesterday's walk didn't last long but we had a lovely long brunch. We talked about the old days and I was able to use that to say we miss her and were talking about it the other day and that we want her to come over soon. I got her to commit to the weekend after next.

I didn't want to talk about upsetting things in such a public location but we both had our cars with us so I waited till we were heading to the carpark to talk about the house and tell her that I was concerned. She kind of sank into herself when I brought it up but she was completely open. She knows how bad it is and hates it but when she looks at it she doesn't know where to start and ends up going to bed or scrolling for hours. She feels like it's pointless. She's tired all time and only seems to have energy for work. We talked about depression and she said she saw her GP a couple of times and was prescribed an antidepressant but it wasn't making any difference.

The good thing is she is open to me coming to her house next Saturday morning. We'll do a blitz with the tunes blasting as a previous poster talked about doing, and we'll treat ourselves to cream cakes and prosecco when we're done. I know it's not the real problem but I think the company is the important part and we may as well spend the time doing something that will make us both feel good.

@noobiedoobie thank you for all of those tips. I am going to sit down for a bit and research them all to see if they can work for her.

I am worried about taking over, as has been mentioned, or giving too much. I don't want to be a saviour and I'm not looking for kudos. I am very worried about a beautiful person who has been a joy to have in my life. I think I can give her some of my time and energy to use as a crutch and also there is a selfish part in it. I didn't realise until this last week how much I miss her. Yesterday, we laughed so much my face hurt for hours and afterwards in the carpark we both cried. We had the best hug when we said goodbye. I don't have many people I can do that with and I was letting it slip away.

That brunch yesterday would have done her the world of good, and you too. Just things like that can perk up our days and keep people going.

That’s such a lovely update. You are an amazing friend OP.

Yay well done OP. So glad to hear it went well.

Op what a wonderful friend you are.
I have had a terrible year (different issues) and I can truly say it’s friends like you who have been kind, compassionate but honest that have helped get me through.
its real true friendship.

You are a lovely thoughtful woman. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

Handled that like a pro @Motherofjeebus

It sounds like your outing did her the absolute world of good and I think you've done the hard work tbh, in making her feel listened to and supported, with judgement. I wouldn't worry too much, just take your lead from her as much as you can on the day, as far as how much or how little to do. Just let her know you'll help as much or as little as she wants.

I'm so happy to read your update, OP. You handled it perfectly, and I wish many were lucky enough to have a friend like you (and that those who are, are strong enough to accept their help/care).

This is very moving @Motherofjeebus It’s love in action. Thank goodness for people like you.

I am in the same boat. I could have written this word for word. I would be bitterly ashamed if people saw my house as it is sometimes.

If I had a friend close by who wouldn't be shocked, wouldn't tell anyone, and wouldn't judge me I would be happy to accept help. I am so glad your friend feels the same, OP.