I think I need to be in hospital

[TheBluntCrab]

I'll just do the short version because frankly I'm exhausted and dont know what to do now.

I've had various issues over the years with my mental health but it's always been quite manageable. I'm diagnosed with GAD and OCD and depression. Lately I just feel like everything is completely wrong. I spend most of my days crying for no reason, angry outbursts and th slightest things. Not taking care of myself and just doing the bare minimum. Everything makes me angry and upset. I have a toddler and my main focus at the moment is him because I don't want him to suffer so I neglect everything and everyone else so he can have everything he needs.

I stormed out tonight in a rage because I've just had enough. Left dh with DS. * [Post edited by MNHQ to remove reference to suicide method]. I've scared myself because I've never even though of doing something so stupid.

I'm a terrible person, a terrible mother and a terrible partner. My family deserve much better than me. I'm a useless waste of space and bring misery to everyone and everything. The only thing that stopped me tonight is the fact I love my son so much and can't bare to leave him but at the same time I feel like he would be better off without me. He has autism and his behavior can b so bad. I can't cope. I spend most of my time telling him off or shouting. Who does that?!

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I snap and just unalive myself. Ironic though as I have major health anxiety and fear of death but right now all I can think about is dying and being free.

Edit to add. I have no friends, I'm totally isolated. My own family don't even make effort with me and my son. No one literally cares about me or loves me. I know my son loves me. But hey he's two. He doesnt know any different. No one would literally give a crap if my fat ass wasn't around anymore. In fact I'm sure everyone would breathe a sigh of relief.

Have you thought about the fact you are likely autistic too?
Investigating that might give you some answers for things you find difficult.

But otherwise you need to ring the Samaritans and engage with your GP and HV. They will be able to get DC some more hours at nursery so you can have more of a break.

Are you in the uk? I think the best thing to do right now is phone 999 or the Samaritans and get emergency help.

You are absolutely needed by your child and your partner. You are your child’s whole world.
I cannot imagine the pain you are currently going through but please seek emergency support right now.

Does your partner know what you are thinking just now?

Are you under your community mental health team? If not, you need to see your GP for a referral. If things are desperate tonight, can 111 and option 2 takes you to MH support.
I’m sorry you feel this way, it’s a horrible place to be.
Admission to hospital is hard to get these days without being sectioned although I was admitted in May on a voluntary basis so it is occasionally possible.
Are you on any medication? Sertraline really helped with my OCD. Keep talking to us x

My partner knows but he's a selfish and not very patient man. He's not well so of course it's all about him. He thinks I'm just crazy and and it's my "mental health problems". I guess he's sick of it. I would be better to if I had someone snapping at me and having ago at me every second of th day. But he irritates me so much. He's a lazy slob and doesnt help with anything because he works and I don't. I believe I'm probably experiencing a severe case of burn out from looking after a man child as well as a toddler.

It sounds like you do everything and desperately need a break! I agree with a pp that you should contact your HV and explain how you’re feeling. They should be able to support you and perhaps look at your child spending some extra time in nursery just to give you some breathing rime .

Yes I'm under th CMHT but they aren't helpful. They did assessment a few weeks ago and said I was fine and referred me to CBT which I've done hundreds of times over the years. They won't help me until I engage with the next round of CBT. Unless I'm about to off myself they aren't interested.

I don't want to call the crisis team and I never have done be use I'm so terrified they will see me and unfit parent and take my son away.

DS fast asleep in bed and DH took himself off to the spare room and giving me silent treatment. I'm sat downstairs in the dark and all I can think of is my little boy and how much I live him and how he just deserves better. I know he loves me and Iove him but it's because I love him that I know I just can't be the mummy he needs right now. And I hate myself so much for feeling like I can't be.

You sound exhausted my dear. You need a break. Do you ever wonder if your distress might be because of the way your husband treats you?

It doesn't help matters obviously. He's not bad all the time. I think he just doesn't know how to cope with me. I know I can be horrid to him when I'm flared up.

Hi @TheBluntCrab .
I know how you’re feeling , I’ve been and still am in your shoes. I’ve tried to commit twice . The most recent being last week. I’m going through absolute hell right now so I know exactly what you’re going through and feeling. I feel like a complete failure too, a useless waste of space, I’ve lost all my family and I’ve lost everything else. I’m currently homeless living in a hotel room. But can I just tell you something? You have done the bravest thing tonight by writing on here , that’s just what I did and it saved my life and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I have my own thread on here , 2 actually because my first one got full. The MN’s on there saved me last week and they’ve continued to do so every single day. You have taken the first step and you should feel so proud of yourself. Please call your crisis team or home treatment team. They do help . I think you need a break just like I did . I have just spent 11 days in a crisis house . That’s what it was , a house with my own bedroom and I felt safe and supported that’s what you need, you need a break. I’m here if you need to talk but please keep talking , your life matters , YOU matter xx

Thank you so much I needed to hear this. Im relevant to go into details through fear of judgment but I know that a recent series of events has kicked this off for me. I know I need a break but the thought of calling them and admitting everything to them fills me with more anxiety and dread for the repurcussions on my family. DH wouldn't cope with DS. He needs to work. And then they might tell social services that I'm mad or whatever and they'll take DS away and I really don't want any SS involvement.
I only wrote in here because aus WI literally have no friends to tell. Can't tell my parents. They just think I'm mad and an embarrassment. I guess I should quit moaning, people such as yourself have it worse than me I guess.

You won’t be judged on here , all I received was support and that’s what you’ll have too. You just need to keep talking . I know it feels like wading through mud right now and there doesn’t feel like there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still in the tunnel but I do see a tiny glimmer of light. I’ve just had a shower and sobbed through it all and it’s ok to cry. I’m actually tired of crying all the time but your tears are not a sign of weakness but your strength to allow your suffocating heart to breathe. Your DS wouldn’t be taken from you. The professionals will support you. I promise . You need a break and your DH needs to understand that. You can’t suffer alone. Believe me it doesn’t work ! Your not mad, your poorly . If you had a broken leg you’d get it fixed , your brains poorly so you need to get it fixed too. I was like you and don’t have anybody on the outside world but I have found some amazing MN’s on here . So will you.
You’re not moaning at all. Your poorly and you need help and support xx

Thank you so much.

No need to thank me @TheBluntCrab . I’m here, I’m listening and you do matter xx

I've just got no self belief anymore. I dont even feel like my own person anymore. I've no identity or purpose. I'm so desperately unhappy and lonely and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with my mind all day everyday and it's exhausting. I want to live but live and be happy and enjoy my life with my son but it seems like no matter what I wont ever be happy. Nothing feels good enough. There's always something. I know I'm wasting my life by being like this. I'm still young enough to have a long happy life (32) but right now I can't even see tomorrow yet alone years. I just feel so unhappy with everything.

Every single thing you have said , I get it . I feel exactly the same way. When your brain goes 1000 miles per hour, when you feel nothing but pain and emptiness , when you feel like you don’t matter . I understand every word. Some days I feel like I’m just a body and that’s it , nothing inside . I know the loneliness , I would give anything for a cuddle . Last week I had a cuddle from the police lady that saved me and I didn’t want to let go. I said to my mental health team that I don’t want to die but if there was a pill right next to me that would take all the pain away that I would take it . That’s all I want to , to be happy with my children. Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to realise what’s important . And you know what’s good about reaching rock bottom? That the only way is up. Please contact your crisis team, they will help, you just need to be honest how your feeling . When the home treatment team came to see me I told them I didn’t want to say what I’m thinking , but I did and they didn’t judge or lock me away. They listened because that is what they are there for xx

Did they come straight away?

Laid in bed on my own again, headphones in and music playing full blast. The only thing that brings me any calm is music.

Yes , after I told them how I was feeling . But I did say if they don’t come and see me right now I’m going to walk in front of a car , I was desperate xx

Same with me . Music does help but I don’t help myself and listen to depressing songs sometimes . Are you on medication? Are you sleeping well?xx

I'm not currently medicated. My anxiety just won't let me take them anymore. I'm too terrified of potential side effects. I dont sleep particularly well. I'm always up until hours. I don't go to sleep until I
pass out because I cant keep my eyes open.

Did they take you somewhere strght away then

What medication was you on before?You may need something different to what you was on. I’m not a big fan of taking anti depressants but they do help , don’t get me wrong I still feel crap right now but that’s more to do with the situation im in rather than my depression but it hugely contributes to my depression if that makes sense? You really can’t do this alone , please believe me . There’s people out there that can help you. Would you consider going to a crisis house for a week?xx

How are you @TheBluntCrab ?

One thing that's got me through my HARDEST times and I still think about it now at difficult times - someone once asked me: what's your success rate of making it through each day so far? 100% is exactly what it is. Proof to your poorly self that you can do it no matter what you've been through. Not saying alot of those days weren't bloody tortuous, but, remember, 100% success rate.

Crisis teams will not take your child, social services will not take you child, they are all there to help you through crisis points. Do ring the Samaritans if you need to, they are fantastic.

You will see the wood amongst the trees again. Until then focus on you.