I really don't think I can do this anymore ... am at rock bottom

[Mummy2TandF]

Sorry to post here but I have nobody else to talk to really.
For those of you who don't know my story, my dh Craig passed away suddenly in August and left me and my 2 children who at the time were 2.10 and 10 months ... as yet the coroner hasn't been able to give me a cause of death and I have the inquest on 7th May My main problem is that everything is getting on top of me, I try to keep myself busy and my mind occupied but I am sooo lonely, I have got nobody to talk to, nobody to help with the dc's, the dc's are whining and crying constantly and need to be with me demanding my attention every second of the day (understandable but wearing), I am not eating, I am not sleeping, I am always crying at the slightest things, money worries are very severe and I don't know how I am going to provide for my dc's

I am sorry to post this but I feel as if I really am at rock bottom, every little thing seems so massive and feel that I haven't moved on at all in 8 months ... how am I going to feed/clothe the dc's and how am I going to cope without Craig in my life, this has been buiding for a while now but before I took ds to playschool this morning I was in tears and they haven't stopped yet + to top it off I have just had a phonecall for Craig (only telesales but it didn't help) - I have always tried not to cry infront of the children but I am finding it harder to do and ds is asking so many questions about Daddy - I just can't do this anymore - i haven't got the strength, it's all gone

When you work out the answer to the last question let me know - as for the toys? sod em, leave them there - its a lovely sunny day - go and enjoy it. Im still trying to persuade DD that we need to be outside

If I knew how to stop a 3yro from whining, I think I would be a rich man!

My house is the same, looks like a nail toy bomb has exploded! plus all the other rubbish around here. One day I will have child free time, energy, & inclination to get on top of it all!!

You are such a strong lady who has come through such a lot at such a young age but believe it or not you are coping- I do feel that u need help- you need to demand it!!!! The only bit of advie I would give u is to live for the minute- just think about your next task and nothing more- take each minute as it comes and remeber how precious you are x

Just found your post and so so for you.

Sending you a virtual hug(((((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Have you spoken to your bank about the situation. They may be prepared to put you on another fixed rate for a period of time, or maybe switch you toan interest only mortgage (not sure what you have at present). My uncle was diagnosed with bowel cancer 6 years ago and couldnt work and he is still living in his home now despite not having been able to pay the mortgage (just saying this to demonstrate that sometimes they will be compassionate in extreme circumstances). Or if you are on other benefits then should you not get something paid towards the mortgage in lieu of hoising benefits?

You desperately need some company/support, have you thought of contacting any groups specifically for people who have lost DP's at an early age, i know they are about but I'm sorry I cannot remeber the name, maybe someone else on here will?

Please do go to the gP and explain about not anting to take the Diazepam. yes it can help a lot with anxiety etc but it is not a 'solution' and it will interfere with the grieving process. Antidepressants a much better idea, there are some great ones for anxiety.

Good luck, please stay on here, lots of people care.

Love to you and your DC'sxxxxx

Just wanted to post to send you strength - you are brilliant for coping - your DCs are lucky to have you - your memorial walk/day is an inspiration

God bless Qx

kiansmummy & Quattrocento - Thank you for saying I am coping - I am not so sure I am, I am existing but that seems a mile away from coping atm
Belle74 - I have already switched to interest only and I have asked them about taking a payment holiday but that won't really help me as you can't add it to the term of the mortgage, you have to pay higher repayments when your payment holiday stops. As far as help with payments, because i get the widowed parents allowance, it takes me over the £59 ish that the government say I need to live on a week ... therefore I "earn" too much to get income support and that is what you need to be claiming to get help with the mortgage ... it's a lot of red tape but am trying to fight my wat through it atm, I think they are starting to understand
The support group you are talking about is WAY (widowed and young) I am a member now, but all the meetings seem to be in pubs in the evening and I can't do that because of the children

Wow!

I've just had a read through from being on here last week, finding the strength to organise such a lovely "Day for Daddy" is amazing.

To raise the profile, I am wondering if you are on Facebook? The reason being, i am on there and I joined a group for Hypermobility as my DD has it and some of the people on there have Marfans syndrome. There may even be a seperate group for Marfans, I would check, but facebook is down at the moment!

Just thinking it would spread the word.

Well done, you are amazing.

8 months
----------------
Don't really know why I am posting .... just lonely and down tonight. I can't believe it is 8 months today since my C died - it only seems like yesterday and it also feels like forever.
I have spoken to my best friend today and was crying when she called, she asked what was wrong and I told her what day it was ... she said she was sorry and she should have realised it was the 28th! Why should she? her life didn't change but then it upset me that people have forgotton. I spoke to MIL today aswell ands she even asked me how long it had been!!! I was so shocked I burst into tears and she said "don't cry because I might start and I haven't cried for months and months" Well lucky her!! Even my mum didn't remember ... how can sometrhing this massive have such little impact on the lives of others?

Sorry, that's enough from me.

LoopyLena - Thanks for that - I will try and check facebook for a marfans group, it would also be a good idea to post the event on that group as well - thanks again

Oh honey, your post made me think of a poem I have on Jack's site, it's called I lost my child today, but it applies to loosing any loved one.

I Lost My Child Today

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
To try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
To bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The songs the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........Today

Sending hugs. XXX

LoopyLena - Thnk you for posting that poem, it is lovely and so true

You are very welcome, sometimes, when I cannot find the words to express how I think or feel, I often find poems what seem to do it for me. I found lots on this website:

www.dawnsangelpoetry.homestead.com/index.html

How are you today? X

Mummy, I hope you are doing a little better...I know that it will soon be the day that you are most likely waiting for and also dreading. I hope things go very well for you.

I was wondering if you have asked about housing benefit? I'm sure you will be entitled to it in some way or other, and whilst it wont pay all of it, it will help you. If you get Income Support, just give them a call and explain your situation etc, or go to your local Job Centre plus. HTH.

All the very best for the 7th, you are one brave and strong lady.xxx

My heart goes out to you, I know lots of people have already suggested Cruise - if you can face it, please give it a go. I'm a counsellor and I promise you counselling will help you deal with all the stuff you're dealing with. On the more practical side, have you heard of home start? You can get a volunteer (another local mum usually) who will pop over once a week to help out/ give you company/take the DCs out for a walk - just google homestart and I'm sure you would be a priority.

It's probably the last thing on your mind but with regards your mortgage etc, CAB will probably be able to give you some help.

Mummy2TandF

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your DH.

One thing that struck me with your OP is that you are 'trying to keep busy.' I know that, with two small children - you will be kept busy enough anyway but I'm wondering if, by trying to fill your time otherwise you are allowing yourself the 'room' to grieve.

All of the feelings you have need space to be 'digested' and I wonder if you have room/space to do this. It's a bit like putting everything away out of sight in a cupboard to 'deal with' at a later date. In your case the natural urge is to fight the painful feelings rather than face them, IYSWIM. By putting these feelings away they will build up until the 'cupboard door' bursts open.

Someone once told me that, in the face of unimaginable grief, a few 'public meltdowns' were necessary to move on. And she was right. Don't feel you have to bottle it up. You may not want to cry, especially in front of your children - but you need to have a time and place to be able to howl and cry and let all of this sadness out.

Lots of love to you. x