I really don't think I can do this anymore ... am at rock bottom

[Mummy2TandF]

Sorry to post here but I have nobody else to talk to really.
For those of you who don't know my story, my dh Craig passed away suddenly in August and left me and my 2 children who at the time were 2.10 and 10 months ... as yet the coroner hasn't been able to give me a cause of death and I have the inquest on 7th May My main problem is that everything is getting on top of me, I try to keep myself busy and my mind occupied but I am sooo lonely, I have got nobody to talk to, nobody to help with the dc's, the dc's are whining and crying constantly and need to be with me demanding my attention every second of the day (understandable but wearing), I am not eating, I am not sleeping, I am always crying at the slightest things, money worries are very severe and I don't know how I am going to provide for my dc's

I am sorry to post this but I feel as if I really am at rock bottom, every little thing seems so massive and feel that I haven't moved on at all in 8 months ... how am I going to feed/clothe the dc's and how am I going to cope without Craig in my life, this has been buiding for a while now but before I took ds to playschool this morning I was in tears and they haven't stopped yet + to top it off I have just had a phonecall for Craig (only telesales but it didn't help) - I have always tried not to cry infront of the children but I am finding it harder to do and ds is asking so many questions about Daddy - I just can't do this anymore - i haven't got the strength, it's all gone

Really feel for you. It must be hard to cope with the children when you feel so down. Are you in an area near any other mumsnetters.. I am sure someone must be near who could meet up with you or even give you some time by taking the children off your hands for an hour. Maybe go back to your doctor and speak to health visitor or practice nurse.. some surgeries actually have counsellors on site.
I did have to wait about five months for counselling after initial assessment. Had a great lady and really came through my problems and heartache.. still go back every so often to see her privately.. £35.00 per hour.. but worth it.
Best to try to take a day at a time and one problem at a time.. then it is easier than coping with everything at once.
Easier said than done, I know.
Sending a hug !

I've just visited your website, it's lovely. It made me cry. It took me 5 years to find the strength to make Jack's site, you are doing so well, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Bless you and your precious children, they are gorgeous. XXX

Sorry to hear about this. Definitely try some bereavement counselling.

Does your Mum know how hard this is for you? Have you spoken to her about it? Some people naively think "6 months on, she's bound to be fine" but actually that is when things can get harder.

On a purely practical note can I suggest that you register for the Telephone Preference Service as that will stop the cold callers.

Honey - I am 25 minutes away from you tops - I can come and visit you tonight if you would like me to - please please do let me know what I can do to help you - there are about 5 other mums up here in North Essex and I am sure lots near you - please reach out - the burden is so much easier to bear if someone helps you.

Thank you so much everybody and sorry I didn't come back on earlier ... ds goes to playschool and i collected him at 12:45 and couldn't face coming home, so I trapped the dc's in the buggy and walked around and around Lakeside Have not long been home, just time for dinner, bath and bed for the lo's - Now just ave another evening to deal with
I have tried to get through to cruse but it is a voice message saying that they are too busy at the moment - i will keep trying though, I am already intouch with Winstons Wish, they have sent a lot of info for the dc's but even ds is a little too young for the activity books etc
Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories, it is so kind and again thanks for the comments on Craigs memorial page, I found doing it quite theraputic at silly o'clock one morning.
Twinkie1 - thank you so much for your kind offer, there is no need - and anyway, my house is disgusting at the moment (I had been making a real effort with the house etc and it has been spotless, but I think that was all trying to cover up the loneliness) I couldn't bare to let anybody see it

Do you drive Honey - a few mumsnetters are coming to my home tomorrow and you are more than welcome to join us. I live on the High Street in Kelvedon opposite the indian Restaurant.

And really you don't have to worry about what your house looks like - would be happy to come down and share a bottle of wine and have a chat whilst bleaching for you - will even bring my own latex-free gloves.

The offer is there if you just need someone to off load on please take me up - I don't have any idea what it is like to lose someone so close to me but have had fair few years of crap to deal with and have had therapy for that and have ended up knowing that the best thing to do is spill out everything whilst someone just listens without passing comment.

So please if you need a friendly ear just get in touch and I will whizz down.

Also have you been to the Benefits Office to make sure you are claiming for everything you can? It may be an idea to check out if you are entitled to more than you are claiming for at the moment.

I am thinking of you - I know that doesn't help but you are not alone - everyone on here is listening I am sure and people will do everything they can to help.

Txxx

Mummy2TandF, I think you are being really hard on yourself. 9 months isn't a long time to deal with your massive bereavement, so it will be a while before you come to terms with it.

Especially when you haven't got any answers yet. the inquest will hopefully give you some answers.

Dealing with grief is SOO exhausting. And any mum of toddlers will say it is demanding and tiring-but you have double the tiredness to deal with. So its understandable that you don't have the energy to deal with housework.

have you asked your mum for support? you only said that she is busy, but have you asked her?

sometimes with grief, you can be so busy putting a brave face on for the children that people think that you're coping well. You are, you just need a break

Mummy2TandF the first year is the hardest - Amazinwoman is right, 9 months is no time at all. And bear in mind that grief doesn't have a timetable - it will take however long it takes, you can't rush it or push it, it doesn't matter how you think you should feel, just because it's x months on.

Do not berate yourself. Take care of yourself. See your gp, keep trying to contact Cruse, and keep posting on mn.

xx

Twinkie1 - thanks for your kind offer, but I don't think I am socialy acceptable atm, it was so nice of you to think of me though
Amazinwoman - Yes, I have asked my Mum for help ... called her yesterday actually and said that I didn't feel I was coping and she said "don't come here it's my day off!" and this evening I phoned her to ask what she was doing tomorrow (not for her to have the dc's, just so we could spend some time together and she could maybe help with them) her response was "I am emigrating!!" ... Having said that, I am still going to drive round to her after dropping ds at playschool, if she doesn't want to see us I am sure that my Nan will (and she lives in the annex)

Hiya, how are you feeling now?

I'm really surprised at your Mum's comments! Its awful that she even said that.

Are there any support groups that can help with the children. Im sure other people will kno wthe name of some, but is sure start for parents with young children?

I have also seen adverts for parents to help other parents to visit families on a weekly basis. Most volunteers would love to help someone like you doing the best for the children in difficult circumstance. When you just want to curl up with grief, but insteasd you find the strength to keep on going.

I don't know the names of these groups though. Maybe parentline can point you in the right direction.

mmy2, your strength amazes me - you dont have to do this alone. Go back to your GP ask about some ADs, i take citalopram, i dont know i am taking them apart from not feeling suicidal anymore (and i havent had to deal with half of what you have ). Im just saying that you dont have to be a zombie on ADs, they take the edge off. Maybe once you have gotten through the inquest you can get some peace in your mind. Could you direct your grief into some sort of memorial for Craig? Something important to the both of you? I know you dont have much money but maybe you could set up some sort of appeal in his honour - it would take up so much energy though, you might not feel you have this right now, but something for the future? Something positive.

Hi, Keep thinking about you. R u ok?

When you said you'd wandered round Lakeside the other day it struck a chord with me from when I had some difficult times a few years back... found myself doing exactly that til 10pm not wanting to bother anyone with my troubles but needing to keep myself occupied.

I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid..All I can offer is support my way of listening here. In RL I don't DO hugs but I'll send some now as it's easier IYKWIM xx

I used to do my wandering around Bluewater. It was nice to be able to be faceless and just get absorbed in nothing and have to think about nothing for a while.
Hope you are ok x

Thank you again everyone for your words of support - it is amazing how much it does help ... am still feeling really down but have decided that I will wait until after the inquest (7th may) before I go back to my Doctors, I need a clear head for that and I "may" feel a little better once that part is over with because atm it is just another thing for me to worry about.
Amazinwoman - thanks for those points, I will have a look into volunteer help, although I don't really want to burden anyone ... I know that ultimately I have to get through this on my own How old were your children and how did you cope?
Lucyellensmum - Your post was really helpfull, thank you, I thought that all ad's had the same effect, I might have to consider that - would they help me to sleep aswell? I am sooo exhausted! It's funny that you mentioned an appeal in Craigs name - I have already set up a memorial webpage, which I found very theraputic but yesterday I actually spoke to SADS and Marfans Foundation about fund raising - they have both agreed to me doing something and splitting the money raised between the 2 charities - The ranger at the lake where Craig was found has agreed to give me a secluded area for my idea, so here goes ... between me and the charities we have decided to call it "A Day For Daddy" and i am going to arrange a sponsored Walk from the carpark of the country park around the grounds and lakes and finish off at the area set aside for us, where there will be a family fun day, I am going to arrange a bbq, bouncy castle, face painting, giant outdoor games like connect 4, jenga etc and there will be a few stalls there as well, both charities are supplying T-shirts, keyrings, badges etc that can be bought on the day and that is as far as I have got!! It is going to take some organising but I think I need something to focus on ... the money for SADS will go towards buying much needed defibrilators and the money for Marfans will go towards raising awareness of the syndrome ... i want to try and do this on a fairly big scale and advertise in local papers etc, I just hope I can pull it off and make a sucess of it and raise some money for these 2 excellent causes in Craigs name.
Sorry for long post

Mummy2TandF, that sounds like a lovely idea for fund raising.

The fund raising sounds like an excellent idea. Will you be able to get anyone to help you ?

Do you have surestart in your area, I just wondered if they had anything you could take the Dc's to. Ours do things like music time for toddlers.

You have and have had so much to deal with please don't be hard on yourself you are doing a brilliant job.

My situation is different to your as my children are older. I allowed my children to plan the funeral and supported them in everything they wanted.

We were separated-but we were still a family.

as for coping-Im not sure I always do. I still cry with feeling overwhelmed and the responsibility terrifies me sometimes. I have no idea how we'll cope financially.

The housework has hardly been done for ages. Im getting used to stepping over piles of crap! but Im too tired to do anything about it. Too tired to care usually.

I still dream about him all the time. I even
have hallucinations.
every day is hard, and i have no idea how im going to get through. But somehow, I do-as have to.

my children were playing out the other day, and i was crying my eyes out. I had this irrational thought that something would happen to them, and I would never see them again.

Luckily, these horrible feeling have faded with time. But the pain will never go away.

That sounds like such a good idea! Something positive to get your teeth into & also for the children esp your son to focus on with you.

I have so much sympathy for you I can't express.. I just can't imagine how you've dealt with this so far. You're obviously far, far stronger than you think and as I said before can only take each day as it comes.

Good luck & let us know how the plans go. I'm sure we'll all try to get there if we can!

Mummy2tandF, your idea for "a day for daddy" left me with tears in my eyes What a wonderful idea. Go for it, you can make it something special.

With regards to ADs, im no expert. But, not all ADs are the same, i imagine that your doctor suggested diazepam in the first instance to get over the terrible shock, i shouldn't imagie it would be a good long term solution. Diazepam is a sedative and would basically help you to block everything. Citalopram is in the same family of drugs as prozac, how it works is by helping the body to boost the levels of seratonin (the happy hormone), as this decreases in times of stress and sadness and then the body sort of stays at that low level, so actually making it physically more difficult to recover. It doesnt make you feel any happy feelings, but it does stop negative thought processes etc from crippling you and taking over your mind to the point you cannot function. It is used alot for women who are suffering from post natal depression, but it is used for bereavement too. There are lots of different types of anti depressants out there some suit certain people and not others. It wouldnt help you sleep, in fact one of the reported side effects is insomnia, but often people are given other tablets to counteract this. The side effects for me were minimal and i didnt suffer from insomnia on them, one of my problems was waking up in the middle of the night in a panic so i actually get more sleep taking my tablets. It might well be worth talking to your doctor again. Nothing is going to take away what has happened and ADs are not a magic potion that will make everything OK again. But they do help to put you in a place where you can begin to look forward and get strong again.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your campaign - where abouts are you? I luurve sponsored walks i do

Not much timme to post atm - it's bath and bedtime for the dc's now but thank you so much all of you for your encouraging posts about "A Day For Daddy" I really hope to make a success of it and raise a lot of money for the 2 charities.
Lucyellensmum - Thanks for that about ad's, not sure I am brave enough to try them athough I need something, have been in tears again today for most of the day, everything seems like a battle with ds, I have to say everything about 1000 times and it still doesn't happen! Oh btw i am in Romford, Essex - where are you?

my prescription was in my drawer for three weeks before i took them, its a scary thing i will admit that. Talk to your doctor, they cant make you take anything, but can (provided you have a good doctor) provide you with information so that you can make an informed choice for yourself

I'm in Kent - so ive wondered around lakeside a few times, and bluewater - i have shopping centre issues just now, too scared to go to them (how weird am i!)

M2T&F, "a day for daddy" is an excellent idea, hope it all goes well. Good luck with the organisation. I'm thinking of you and your Dcs. Hang in there.

lucyellensmum - you are not that far from me then, the country park where we will be having the day is only about 10/15 mins from Lakeside, so maybe you can join us?
Solodad - thanks for the message, it's really kind of you to say that ... I hope it will be a success - sorry I didn't come back on last night .. had a bit of a wallow and this morning the dc's haven't stopped! The house is a mess, I think every single toy in the house is out on the living room floor and I haven't got the energy or inclination to tidy it up, how do you stop a 3 year old from whining like a baby?