I really don't think I can do this anymore ... am at rock bottom

[Mummy2TandF]

Sorry to post here but I have nobody else to talk to really.
For those of you who don't know my story, my dh Craig passed away suddenly in August and left me and my 2 children who at the time were 2.10 and 10 months ... as yet the coroner hasn't been able to give me a cause of death and I have the inquest on 7th May My main problem is that everything is getting on top of me, I try to keep myself busy and my mind occupied but I am sooo lonely, I have got nobody to talk to, nobody to help with the dc's, the dc's are whining and crying constantly and need to be with me demanding my attention every second of the day (understandable but wearing), I am not eating, I am not sleeping, I am always crying at the slightest things, money worries are very severe and I don't know how I am going to provide for my dc's

I am sorry to post this but I feel as if I really am at rock bottom, every little thing seems so massive and feel that I haven't moved on at all in 8 months ... how am I going to feed/clothe the dc's and how am I going to cope without Craig in my life, this has been buiding for a while now but before I took ds to playschool this morning I was in tears and they haven't stopped yet + to top it off I have just had a phonecall for Craig (only telesales but it didn't help) - I have always tried not to cry infront of the children but I am finding it harder to do and ds is asking so many questions about Daddy - I just can't do this anymore - i haven't got the strength, it's all gone

sleepycat - thanks for posting ... I have been to the doctors but all they want to do is perscribe diazipam(sp?) and I really don't want to take anything, I am the only one the dc's have now and I want to be clear headed IYSWIM - I am on a waiting list for councelling but have been told that could be a 6 month wait unless I pay, which I can't possibly do ... I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, if anything it seems to be getting darker

This is all so sad, M2T&F...people on MN will listen to you, and keep listening.

Aw mummy2tandf I don't know what to say but had to say something. You are dealing with a HUGE bereavement. Have you spoken to your doctor? I'm sure they could arrange for you to speak to someone and 'offloading' might help.
Thinking of you xx

cross-posted, sorry.
People are supportive on here, so stay with us. What about your local area - are there any MNers nearby who could be a friend?

Oh sweetheart...

Please go back to the gp and see if they can put you onto something different. Explain to them that you want / need to be clearheaded for the children.

You need help now, even if it is help along the lines of AD's. They will help you see things more clearly. Then you will be able to start planning your finances etc. You will be able to make some plans and for me at least, having plans is something to focus on.

Keep posting, we are here if you need us.

xx

It's so dispiriting, isn't it? A 6 month wait for breavement counselling? Mad - you need support now. I wonder if any MN-ers could do some research and lobbying for you and see if a charity can find some earlier?

I know counselling isn't going to take your grief away - how could it, you have lost your one loved husband. But someone who knows what you are going through and to help you through these dark desolate times.

Would it help to give yourself a structure and stick to it, zombie-like, to get through the day?

oh sweetheart I am truly sorry that oyu are going through this x you should go back to the doctors...tell him you dont want the diazepam, you should really be on ADs....they dont make everything better but they give you that support to work towards getting better.

Have you no family that will take the DC off your hands for an afternoon????

sorry to be nosey but what income is coming through the house at the moment???? are you entitled to any benefits????

M2TandF - definitely go to see you GP. Where are you? Could you contact an organisation like HomeStart who could give you some practical support?

This is such a hard time for you - and would be for anyone. Take everything very slowly and don't give yourself unrealistic targets to meet - ie house cleaning etc.

Have you been able to talk to someone about benefits or money advice?

Please make an appointment to see your GP and please keep coming on here.

Mummy2Tand F - Your doctor could definitely prescibe you something else that doesn't make you feel dozy and they might just give you some strenth to cope until you feel a bit stronger yourself.

Also you really do not need to suffer alone. There are all sorts of organisations who can offer support and practical help. You can contact the Samaritans online who also have links to other organisations and please call Citizens Advice - they can give you details of others who can give you solid help.

Take care.

have you looked at whether cruse can help with bereavement counselling? there's the samaritans if you are desperate and want a real human voice to listen? and there's all of us on here.... keep posting.

Oh Honey - I am so sad for you and echo what everyone else says - you must go back to the doctor - I had to take ADs for a short period to get me through an waful time and they did help - they can prescribe you someting that won't impare your senses!

Can you tell us where you are? I am sure someone on here will be near enough to give you ome practical help - I am in NE Essex if that helps - have 2 DCs but am willing to come and help out if you are near to me!

Have just googled it seems that RUSe is the best bet - they have a free phone line that you can call to talk to someone - www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/.

I do hope that helps - do keep posting though and talk about Craig if you need to - also get BT to put a bar on telesales on your phone and get caller ID so you know who is calling and can screen your calls.

Big Hugs to you and your DCs.

Txxx

We lost our son last year and Cruse Bereavement counsellors have been great. You will probably be a priority case for them, for the sake of the children as well as you.

Call them on 0844 477 9400 or visit the website
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Do it straight away. My counsellor has been brilliant. She encouraged me to ask for ADs when I was feeling very low. She even phoned the GPs once for me when I couldn't get an appointment and they kept fobbing me off.

The counselling is free.

With love and prayers (((hugs)))

Thanks everyone, blu - I try to have a structure but I can't seem to cope with the dc's at the moment - ds is 3.5 and really testing the boundries, everything is such a struggle - I try to go out each afternoon but I have no money to go shopping and window shopping with 2 dc's is no fun and I haven't got any friends I can go and see, my mum looks after my nephew 3 days a week and doesn't want to see us then because it is too hard work and doesn't want to see us when she hasn't got him because they are her days off.
Fawkeoff - I only have benefits coming in have never been like this before, am always good with money I have a widows parents pension, tax credits and child benefit and my council tax has been reduced, the fixed rate on my mortgage ends in May and no lender in their right mind wuld even consider me at the moment (without the credit crunch) so it looks like I am going to have to go onto a variabe rate and I can't really survive at the moment, so don't know how I will when my payments go up by about £300 a month .... sorry, don't want to go on about money It's the emotional support I really need atm, then at least i may be able to think straight re money

please phone cruse and see what they can offer you at such a difficult time. please? that would be a really positive thing to do, for yourself and for the dc's.

sorry x you really need to see the GP though....i wont pretend to have an idea of what pain you are feeling, but everybody deals with pain and loss in their own way.
you are being so strong for the kids sake and you need time to heal yourself, You cannot put a time on bereavement, you may never full get over the loss of your husband....but it will get better....it has to. I know that everyone will say this and it's such a cliche...but he wouldnt want you to be suffering like this.

I'm sorry but your mother sounds very selfish....is DS at school??? I really wish i could help you...i would be round to your house in ashot if was anywhere near you x

Dear mummy2TandF, as others have said, you can always talk to your virtual friends on here
I think, goodness me, six months after losing Craig so suddenly, all of what you are feeling must be incredibly normal.
Lots of people have mentioned Cruse, but I think for ds especially you might find Winston's Wish a source of support for you both.
My ds was pretty much the same age as yours when we experienced a stillbirth and I know how much it affected even such a young child, so do contact them and get the help you need and deserve. XXX

Cruse Bereavement Care

They have a day by day helpline, and offer free bereavment counselling.

So sorry to hear you're at rock bottom...
It must be so, so hard.

I've seen you about mn b4 but not posted and also looked at the lovely site u set up and shed a tear for u and your dc.

As everyone else has said, we're all here to listen even if no-one else in RL is

You WILL find the strength to carry on becausen u have the little ones to think of.

Just take each day at a time & keep posting.

xx

Please get counselling honey, it really does help. My first born son died of cancer the day after his 5th birthday. I was left, a single mum of ds2, who was then 3 years old. Not only did I have my own grief to cope with, I also had to help a 3 year old to understand something that made no sense to me. Why did he have to die? We both went to a wonderful counsellor and without him, I don't think I'd be where I am today, re-married with a beautiful baby girl. DS2 still has problems, his brother was a huge part of his life, they were so close, inseperable, then suddenly he was gone.

DS2 was the main reason for me to carry on. He needed me, like your LO's need you. I lived on Income support, council tax benefit and child benefit. We managed.

It has been 5 years and almost 7 months since my baby gained his angel wings. I won't pretend the pain gets easier to bare, I don't feel it does. You just learn to live with that pain, I still have bad days, tears, anger, frustration, guilt, blame... they are all sysmptoms of grief, there is no set pattern to grief either, many stages come and go in no particular order, no-one can tell you how to grieve, no-one should ever say "pull yourself together" or say that you need to "move on" because that is pure ignorance.

For me, antidepressants did not work, I was a member of the prozac club for a while, but it just made me more aggressive and angry. My counsellor adviced me to wean myself off it and I've never looked back. Talking is definately more beneficial, tablets just seem to make you numb, but the problems are still built up inside.

I found making a website for DS1 has helped me, if you want to look at it I'll post you a link, although I will warn you, it tells his story and many visitors have cried after reading it. It may help you though, just knowing that others share in the agony of loss and have come through the darkest days and DS2 is doing well now and I have my beautiful DD, all their photo's are on the website.

I would also like to share this with you, there are many poems on the website, but I thought this one may help you.

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow
Don't tell me this is just a test
Apart from all the rest
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free
Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
Don't tell me how to cry
My life is filled with selfishness
My pain is all I see
But I need you
I need your love, unconditionally
Accept me in my ups and downs
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say,
"My friend, I really do care"

Sending you love and hugs.

my deepest sympathy goes to you and your children, i cant imagine the pain your are going through.

this is maybe not a long term answer but you should be entitled to help with childcare, would there be a nursery or childminder that could take your kids even a few hours a day for you? i would imagine you would get 80% paid for u?

my thoughts our with you, i am on anti depressents and they r helping me cope, but do speak to your doctor they should be able to recommend something.

take care

xx