To say that my life will end in suicide?

[Planits]

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Although I’ve had some difficulties in my life, I have no real reason that I can explain or justify my misery, it’s just there. I’ve been feeling for a long while now that my life will, eventually, end in suicide.

I hear you OP, I find living extremely difficult

The new suicide pod in Switzerland sounds like a nice way to go.

I understand that feeling OP.

My only advice and it might not be useful to you. Move somewhere sunny and write and read. A lot. Those two things make the worst of days better enough. I think antidepressants take off the higher and lower edges, so that not feeling happy when you're supposed to is that most likely. But I know I would rather take quiet ok-ness and not have the deep lows.

@UmbrellaEllaEllaElla I have the same set of labels for want of a better word!

The overwhelm of how awful and cruel the world can be is gradually being balanced by the beauty. I am finding more glimmers than triggers these days and I don’t know if it’s peri meno or HRT that’s turning the darkness down gradually but I am glad I am here more often than not now!

I understand when you say glimmers. I've been on a hormonal roller coaster for quite a few years. I do wonder how big a part they play in having intrusive thoughts of dying. I would be waiting to cross a busy road and my mind would be telling me to jump into the traffic. I knew it was irrational but I was feeling overwhelmed with life and responsibilities of work, children and elderly parents. But work mostly. Now I've made some changes thanks to counselling I'm having days where I get glimmers of happiness. I genuinely belly laughed the other day and I wasn't faking it.

How utterly selfish... You say you love your children Yet your thinking of causing them the biggest hurt in their life?? Why chose to give them life when your willing to just give up... Things are never easy but when you chose to have children you chose them.. I struggle but I would never ever leave my children. I gave Birth to them I chose to always be there.

@Mummysaraus Not helpful one bit. I'm actually infuriated by your comment. This sort of response is what stops people reaching out for understanding and connection. When people are shamed over their feelings in this regard, guess what, they don't just go away. Funny that.

Being allowed to openly say what OP has said, I strongly believe, can help some people fight on one more day.

I lost a parent to suicide. I know full well how incredibly unwell they were. All I have in my logical mind is sympathy, understanding and sorrow that this was their path.

What will be will be for OP. I feel that solidarity and kindness are more likely to help her than what you just wrote.

How can you possibly know how you would feel if you were struggling to the same extent as the OP?

I feel the same way. I have always figured that my life will end by suicide when it is time. I have no timeline. I am not suicidal now. I'm not certain I am ever whatever others would feel is "suicidal". I just know I want to be in control of when, where and how it happens. If I were to become gravely ill, that timeline would escalate.

PMS/PMDD/ perimenopause plus ND (AuDHD for me) is a brutal combination for your mental health. Getting support and treatment for those has helped me in other ways. I still quite often feel I would rather be dead but can never die by suicide as I have close experience of caring for children (not young) who have lost a parent to suicide. It is a very deep traumatic bereavement at any age. And significantly increases the risk that they will die by suicide.

I understand now that I will have to tolerate life until I die and cherish the moments when a little joy gets through. They happen more often some times than other.

In my opinion I think it is selfish. I didn't have my children to just give up on them. I've been depressed and feeling very very low. Lost both my parents lost lots of close ones. But I've done everything to help myself.. But at no point have I ever considered leaving my children on their own cause I chose to leave them... Mental health issues is serious and many people suffer.. in my own opinion giving up is selfish... Forgive me for putting my children first I would never ever put them through that guilt of thinking they could of changed things

My ex partner/best friend killed himself 6 weeks ago,it absolutely devastated his adult children and his partner and usq friends,I suffer myself and have made plans before and attempted once,so know what it's like,but strongly believe that if someone had been with him at the time,he would still be here now.
After seeing the devastating effect it has on those left behind,I consciously choose not to do that to my children and loved ones,doesn't mean I won't be glad to go when my time comes,all I've ever wanted is blissful silence.

Completely agree. The parent I know who died by suicide loved her children so much. She thought she was doing them a kindness by dying. I am so sorry for your loss.

Fair enough but I gave birth to my children and I would never put them thought suicide. Ending my life in that way would severely affect my children. I've always put them first and I don't actually understand why anyone else can sympathise with someone choosing to leave their children with all the what ifs

@Mummysaraus because they're more often than not incredibly unwell! It is not the same as feeling low or depressed. I think alot of people feel depressed. That is not the same as someone taking their life. It is no easy feat to die. Most would be terrified beyond comprehension.

No loving parent wants to desert their child ever - something has gone very wrong for suicide to be the answer. You clearly are lucky enough not to understand.

Remember Robin Williams. He actually had Louis body dementia - only detected on autopsy. If that autopsy had not been carried out, he'd just be another ' selfish, depressed person '.
I believe there is often something else going on biologically tbh. And just being strong and not so selfish as you put it won't cut it.

Believe me I'm very lucky to understand. But I chose to get help and save my children from always wandering what they did wrong for me to chose to die instead of being here for them. Mental health is serious and I'm not saying it isn't but I chose not to leave my children wandering what they did to cause me to chose to leave them... Children of parents who chose to commit suicide ALWAYS blame themselves look it up

@NCGrandParent bless her heart. I know full well that the poor lady must have been very unwell and her brain was not functioning the same as other people. Logically, I can see this in my own situation and separate the severe suffering of that human being from my own trauma as a result of their death. I have nothing but sympathy. Because anyone with a god damn brain and a compassionate heart knows that no one does that because they're just a tad selfish or a little down on life.

Yeah, I do think a lot of unhappiness is caused by believing we should be able to feel a certain way and do certain things.
With the advent of SM it's gotten worse, because people mistake the fake image management version of other people's lives on SM for something which is actually real. It causes a lot of unrealistic expectations.

@Mummysaraus I am such a child. I can guarantee you, I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't blame myself nor the parent one single bit. I can see logically that they were as sick as someone dying of cancer. And the parent I speak of was trying everything they threw at them to try get better. Something was happening way beyond feeling depressed.

Suicide is hideous and traumatic. We all know that. No one chooses it in my view. They become unwell in such a way that this takes over.

You're lucky that interventions helped you.

@XChrome I agree alot with the damage SM causes. I can't imagine growing up with that. I personally don't engage or follow anyone on SM. It really does make a difference. ( Discounting MN of course! 😊)

Remember that not everyone responds to whatever medical help they are able to get.
So that's an easy thing to say if you found something that worked for you. Picture a suffering so great (which despite your efforts nothing has been able to address) so that every minute of life is torture.
If the kids are small, they wouldn't understand. If they are older, they would be sad, but relieved that the parent is no longer in that agony. Even some younger kids would know better than to blame themselves when they have seen how the parent was suffering.
Lots of adult children help their parents to get assisted death for that reason.
Is it really better for them to watch a beloved parent continue to suffer, knowing the parent is staying alive out of concern about hurting them? That would be tremendously guilt inducing.

I'm sorry to read this and I'm proud of you that you understand. My Mum and Dad didn't chose to die they were taken away from me without a choice. Maybe I'm out of order by thinking it's selfish to just take your own life when other people don't chose to leave

I am so happy for you as you clearly have never been in this situation.
Had you experienced what a depression is like, you wouldn't be throwing words like 'selfish' around in this situation.

Believe me I've been in this situation and I chose to live for my children... I've had many heartbreaks and lost so many loved ones who didn't want to leave us. Perhaps I come across as heartless and maybe I am. I've lost so many people who meant everything to my family and they Never had a choice but to live. So I do find it hard to except that someone just chooses to hurt everyone they love

@Mummysaraus OP made this thread looking for help and empathy. People are responding to her with kindness and compassion. I think some of these incredibly understanding posts might actually help lift OP , even a little bit, away from her current pain.

It is absolutely okay that you cannot comprehend how a parent could feel suicidal, I genuinely mean that. But please this is not the place to debate it.

You said yourself that when you were at your lowest you reached out an got help. OP is reaching out for help now. Let this thread continue as a source of help for her. The comforting words others have written here may be the help that she needs right now.