To say that my life will end in suicide?

[Planits]

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Although I’ve had some difficulties in my life, I have no real reason that I can explain or justify my misery, it’s just there. I’ve been feeling for a long while now that my life will, eventually, end in suicide.

I don’t think wishing to not exist is an illness. It seems to me that it’s perfectly reasonable. Life can be horribly hard and stressful. For example, I don’t have a private pension (had caring responsibilities and worked for myself on a low wage) and I absolutely dread getting older and living in bleak poverty on the state pension alone. Every day is hard work.

Nothing will immediately lift your spirits when you're in that moment. My mum was suicidal when I was young and she had episodes when I was in my twenties. She attempted three times. I could never wrap my head around why when she had so much to live for. I was young then and full of life, I had dreams for my future. I'm older now and I have been unfortunate recently to have intrusive thoughts that have been suicidal. The only thing that helps me is my experience with my mum and the counselling I've had. I know that the thoughts I have are not real and they will pass. I sit with them and see as something outside myself. Sometimes I wake up without them and I make plans and feel enthusiastic about the day ahead. I just get up each day and keep on doing that. I try not to look too far back or forward and it's helping.

My thoughts about dying are real and perfectly reasonable. However I am frightened that I’d mess up a suicide attempt and cause myself severe pain or permanent injury. I can’t think of a ‘good’ way to actively kill myself but if I could magically go to sleep and not wake up, I would. So yeah, I totally understand how it feels.

There are EMDR apps available. Also look into binaural beats. Lots of free videos of both available on YouTube.

Is it possible that some part of it is that you are (as the old joke goes) shoulding yourself to death? For examples, you speak of thinking you should feel good. Maybe we don't have to feel good. Maybe we can just exist to do the things we have to do. It's how I look at it anyway. I have a chronic illness involving pain, so I have been forced to change my expectations and no longer expect to ever feel good. I also sometimes wonder that if in some cases, what seems like depression is not actually an illness, but a form of biodiversity. Not everyone feels good. Some people never or almost never do.

You mention your children as being the reason not to commit suicide. I feel similarly, though I am not suicidal at this time. I do feel death is not a terrible prospect for me. It's for the ones I care about that I want to continue to live, and that just has to be enough.
I don't know if this will help at all, but changing your attitude about how you are supposed to feel may be an idea worth considering. That's not to say that you should not try to feel better, it's just about accepting that if your efforts aren't fruitful, you can still go on.

From as young as I can remember I've thought the same. It's not so much a depressing thought for me just a matter of fact one. I haven't, like you, any plans to do anything about it in the near future, barring any awful painful illnesses popping up.

Have you ever been assessed for autism? I have been on antidepressants since I was 17, I'm 58 now, so been on them for over 40 years. I've always felt different, never fitted in, always an outsider. I only thought about being assessed when my ds was diagnosed, it still took me 6 years to bite the bullet & ask for an assessment. Walking out after being diagnosed, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I wasn't a bad person, it wasn't my fault, I just thought differently to a lot of people. While I still get depressed, the lows aren't as bad because I can use my autistic superpower to divert my thoughts into something that interests me & lifts me.

@Planits

If you are thinking of stopping your meds I strongly urge you to do it under medical supervision.

A friend's son stopped taking his (numerous) meds on his own and it was a disaster. He finally went to a psychiatrist for the specific aim of getting off them as he hated the way they made him feel. The Dr devised a 'step down' plan to stop the meds combined with medical monitoring and counseling and it was successful.

I'm not saying this will work in every case and it was a slow process, but may be worth looking into.

I actually love this advice. There's so much pressure to feel good and when you have an unwell or different mind, that can feel like asking someone someone a broken leg to run a marathon.

Being able to say 'I can turn up and go at my own pace in a wheelchair or on crutches' rather than forcing yourself to 'be normal' (whatever that is) can be a great relief.

@Over40Overdating I will look into PMDD as well.

@Nat6999 I suspect I could have some form of neurodiversity. Years ago a psychologist I was seeing at the time wanted to refer me for assessment, but I declined.

Feels like maybe it’s time to get back in touch with the GP and explore other possibilities.

Absolutely understand this and am almost relived to hear someone else vocalise. Spend much time now perplexed at the ridiculousness of being alive. Also not actively suicidal, but definite and ongoing suicidal ideation. Apart from work and looking after my late teen children, have retreated into my house (which I do love and feel safe in). Can't see the point in anything else and have given up on AD's, therapy or talking to anyone about how I feel. Nothing works and I just don't care any more. So you're not alone feeling like this.

Sorry you’re feeling like this @Noddy1969

I actually feel really relieved to hear someone else say this too! I don't feel so alone.

I felt like that when younger. But now I'm in my fifties and decades of therapy and antidepressants mean I no longer feel like that.

Ah OP, I identify so much with this. I've lost so many friends to suicide/ODs that it just feels like a valid option, like it's always something I could go for if things get too bad. It sounds ridiculous but it's almost like a comfort, like I always know there's a way out? I also have diagnosed C-PTSD, BPD, OCD and suspected autism. I'm looking into EMDR but it's so expensive and the wait lists for any kind of therapy on the NHS are insane.

Ugh. I don't really have any words of advice but you are not alone, people do care and would miss you and you have made this person feel less alone and unseen today x

I feel the same, OP. I know it's my 'destiny' I'm ok with it. I hope things get better for you. So many people struggling with MH in recent times.

I feel like this. I have very significant illnesses that don't go away and have completely isolated me from the entire world. Fear is also what drives this feeling as I can't see how someone can live the way I do long term. I'm also someone who feels very strongly and I wish so much I was more hard faced.

When doctors dish out all these personality disorder conditions I do start to suspect someone is probably actually ND. ND is also weirdly connected on some genetic level to POTS and Mast Cell Activation, possibly Ehlers Danlos which I believe massively impacts your mood. ( If you join any group for the above conditions, you'll see the overlap is huge. We all know it. Most doctors don't).

I notice that everyone I know who is ND calls out fakery, bullshit and false behaviour. I find it incredibly refreshing. But, if you see the very reality of things and how unpleasant it often is, and don't have the capacity to delude yourself then I do see how life will potentially be harder and a bit darker at times.

For me, I have generalised anxiety disorder, ADHD and PMDD. All officially diagnosed. Also extremely sensitive, very emotional. I find living quite painful but also beautiful. I often don't feel normal but I have to believe there is a purpose to me being so sensitive.

Hi OP.
I tried to end my life ( unsuccessfully, obviously) twice, which lead me to be in ICU two months a time.
The last time was last year and has left me disabled for life - I had secondary complications and nearly lost my leg.
Please DO NOT contemplate suicide. It's never the answer. I'm saying this because it is true.
It's all good when it's successful for YOU but when it isn't and you survive that's when it gets hard,
The recovery is painfully hard, especially the complications.
Not to mention the untold damage it does to your family and loved ones.
The best thing you can do is seek help for your mental health issues.

Have you been assessed for ADHD? Big emotions, depression and being highly empathetic are common in ADHD.

Have you tried magic mushrooms? There's a few trials running aimed at moderately to severally depressed patients who are treatment resistant. I work in clinical research and used to work on a psilocybin trial and they've really helped and actually cured some patients of their depression. There's a few different documentaries and ted talks etc on the subject of it's something you'd be willing to explore.

@CaptainBeanThief how horrendous for you. I'm so sorry. I've been in hospital multiple times with my illnesses. I've seen how it can be for people who made failed attempts. It's awful. There's not much love there. I hope you feel some improvement on that side of things 🙏

Do you know the link between high empathy and big emotions and ADHD? I am SO sensitive and my emotions are very intense. The ADHD diagnosis is one I've been given recently.

I have drug resistant depression - EMDR and Venlafaxine (which is an SNRI unlike Citalopram, Sertraline etc which are SSRIs) saved my life, but I also feel that I will one day die by suicide. My 40th birthday is coming up and I feel relief that 80 would be a respectable age to die so I have “got through” half of my life. Had a recent ADHD diagnosis, really hoping that medication will help me.

I feel like that sometimes.
I know i won't make old bones.

@CaptainBeanThief I’m so sorry, that sounds absolutely awful

I feel like this too OP. I'm surprised more people don't. The world is awful. I've met some of the most horrible people. I can't wait to leave but I can't yet.