Struggling with friendship

[FairyPoppins]

.... I have a male friend who was widowed 10yrs ago. He is an only child, with no children of his own, in his 70s.
I have no experience of being widowed, although I did have some very personal trauma approx 20yrs ago.
He is honest enough to say he still feels as angry and bitter about his wife's death as he did the day she died.
He is thoroughly miserable. There's no spark or enjoyment in him. He has recently been prescribed ADs, Citalopram I think, after not getting on with Sertraline.
He sits in his house, with 2 dogs all day, just sitting - his house is full of 'stuff' almost like hoarding, but tidy, just piled up everywhere, and has no motivation to do anything.
I went on holiday in July, he was waiting for a hospital appt about something in a blood test. The appt came through while I was away, and then I was getting lots of calls everyday saying how worried he was - it wasn't anything life threatening, but he does seem to catastrophise around Health issues.
I go over and have a few hours with the dogs when he goes to golf, but usually leave before he comes home as I just feel drained by all his negativity. Although I live alone, I do work part time, and care for my mum who's in her 80s.
I know I can't "fix" him, but he is just living a half life, not wanting to do anything, and always bring very down.
He saw a bereavement counsellor some years ago and also went to bereavement groups, saying they weren't for him....
Yesterday unfortunately I snapped, and said I was struggling to deal with the constant negativity - and now I feel guilty because he literally has no one in his life apart from me.

Has he ever enjoyed life? did you know him when married?

It's very hard to see someone you care for being this miserable but I think sometimes you do have to accept that this is his choice. It's very unfortunate that his wife died but people do usually heal a little after 19 years and have managed to find some joy in life, even if it's not every day.

I wonder how happy he was when he was married?

he plays golf
presumably walks his dogs daily?

What exactly does your “friendship” consist of, other than you doing him favours and listening to his moaning?

The appt came through while I was away, and then I was getting lots of calls everyday saying how worried he was - it wasn't anything life threatening, but he does seem to catastrophise around Health issues.

bloody selfish of him

Thank you - he does walk his dogs, says "they are his life", and plays golf - unfortunately fellow golfers ask about his life, which usually results in him saying his wife died, then bursting into tears, and I think some are giving him a wide berth because of this. He changed clubs after covid, and I did say new people may ask about his circumstances...
I didn't know him when he was married, we met through a befriending service in the area.
He says he was very different before he was widowed - outgoing, lots of friends... they moved away from where they both worked when they retired, and after only 6mths his wife became ill so they didn't really have time to get to know people socially.
@safariled ... I did think this was selfish - but then I thought I was being selfish thinking like that lol!... I'm away next month and have said I would like this holiday not to be spoiled - he said he didn't think about it like that when I was away before.
@SauviGone .. right know I don't think I get very much from being friends. I just wish he could enjoy life a little more, whereas right now it's almost like he's just waiting to die.. I think the penny has finally dropped for me, and i need not to have this big dark cloud over my head all the time

Don’t feel guilty. You need to protect your own mental health. Perhaps you snapping might make him sit up and think how lucky he is to have you as a friend. I would use this as an opportunity to have an honest conversation. What are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds as if there’s no give and take. How is he a good friend to you?

You can’t fix him - he needs to do that himself. And you are just a friend - you don’t have to take on all his baggage. Step back and put some limits in place so that he doesn’t drag you down with him. It’s his life. It’s not of your making that he has no other friends.

He’s retired
He plays golfs
he has dogs for company and had to get out every day to walk

and… he has a friend ie you who is FAR too good him and he completely leverages that

I'm not seeing anything that he's bringing to the friendship for you? Did he understand when you snapped? Maybe it's for the best as he needs some kind of jolt to move on. If not, then you've still done the right thing as it's unsustainable and not your responsibility.

We have had honest conversations - perhaps a bit too honest :)
He says he does want to change and move on, but it never really lasts long. I had the 2 dogs, with my 1 for 2 weeks so he could try going on holiday, so the dogs didn't need to go in kennels.. he was ringing every night saying how lonely he was.

I don't have a massive amount of friends, as I'm not from here either, but have made friends through work, and have other friends, and my son, who all live about an hour in various directions from me - plus after a couple of disastrous relationships, I actually enjoy my single life :)
We tend to go out to eat when I do see him - but the conversation is all about how bad his life is... and I think I just feel a bit jaded by all the self pity

does he at least pay when you go out to eat?!

@safariled lol.... he probably pays for 2 out of 3 lunches...
Although I do remember one time when he paid, left a tip on the table, but then asked me for half the tip when we left 🙄

It is never to late to change, if he really wants to. I have a couple of male colleagues (Hertfordshire and Kent in person or via Zoom) who'd be happy to talk to him if he is serious about changing his mindset.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you - are they counsellors?

I think you need to decide exactly how much, if any, time you want to spend with this person. Just because you met him through a befriending service doesn't mean you have to befriend him for ever, ideally he would be reaching out to others, making new friends, but instead you are his substitute wife, Calling you daily on his holiday to say he's lonely and calling you daily on your holiday- it's completely intrusive and not appropriate for a friend to put on another friend like this.

I would withdraw almost completely, see him for lunch once every two weeks and tell him you aren't able to answer the phone any more in the evenings, make up an excuse if easier.

You aren't his wife and who knows how happy she was, because he certainly seems to be sapping the life out of you.

@Faldodiddledee ... I do wonder if he might have made more effort to build a life for himself if I wasn't around..
He has text this morning to tell me what the weather is like - I'm 10 miles away, so hardly another hemisphere...
I've not answered the text, and was reading a similar thread on here earlier about not always replying to texts or answering the phone.
I have no plans to see him until Friday, when I will be spending time with the dogs, so probably won't even see him on that day. I have free time, and he knows that, but I think I will skip any offers of lunch this week.

I have agoraphobia and just left a 30yr marriage due to domestic violence and abuse. I too am struggling but I'm so greatful for her help and support of my only friend but I respect her space and life. I also enjoy having a laugh once a week. I know its hard but he's got to be able to treat you with the same love and respect you have shown him. Please be kind to yourself he's a very lucky Man to have a friend like you. Wishing you all the best to you both

Remedial hypnotists, so a talking therapy (no trance involved) to change the thought patterns so that he can move on from his grief without guilt.

@Eyesopenwideawake .. would you mind PM-ing me their details? I will try and have a conversation :)
@LipsyL ... I am glad you have some support, and that you realise your friend also has a life, you sound like you have the right balance...

Will do!

how did you become friends in the first place?

* - unfortunately fellow golfers ask about his life, which usually results in him saying his wife died, then bursting into tears, *

he told you this presumably rather than you actually witnessing

when he last work? financially comfortable?

Absolutely this. The reason he has no one in his life apart from you is because he is appalling to be around, isn’t managing his own trauma/bereavement sadness and anger, and seems to see you as an emotional dumping ground.

Bluntly, you need to concentrate on your own life, doing things you enjoy, and being around people who energise and interest you, and he needs to sort out his own shit, via therapy, specialist bereavement counselling, support groups etc. Then maybe you can have something like a friendship.

@safariled ... we met through a befriending service around 6yrs ago. He's retired, good works pension, very financially secure - they moved north out of London, and bought the house cash.... The golf? He is a good golfer, played internationally many yrs ago (similar to international forces teams).... I have witnessed his upset when someone asks about his family circumstances, though not with fellow golfers.
@Rerrin ... thank you! I think you are right