Struggling with friendship

[FairyPoppins]

.... I have a male friend who was widowed 10yrs ago. He is an only child, with no children of his own, in his 70s.
I have no experience of being widowed, although I did have some very personal trauma approx 20yrs ago.
He is honest enough to say he still feels as angry and bitter about his wife's death as he did the day she died.
He is thoroughly miserable. There's no spark or enjoyment in him. He has recently been prescribed ADs, Citalopram I think, after not getting on with Sertraline.
He sits in his house, with 2 dogs all day, just sitting - his house is full of 'stuff' almost like hoarding, but tidy, just piled up everywhere, and has no motivation to do anything.
I went on holiday in July, he was waiting for a hospital appt about something in a blood test. The appt came through while I was away, and then I was getting lots of calls everyday saying how worried he was - it wasn't anything life threatening, but he does seem to catastrophise around Health issues.
I go over and have a few hours with the dogs when he goes to golf, but usually leave before he comes home as I just feel drained by all his negativity. Although I live alone, I do work part time, and care for my mum who's in her 80s.
I know I can't "fix" him, but he is just living a half life, not wanting to do anything, and always bring very down.
He saw a bereavement counsellor some years ago and also went to bereavement groups, saying they weren't for him....
Yesterday unfortunately I snapped, and said I was struggling to deal with the constant negativity - and now I feel guilty because he literally has no one in his life apart from me.

so he was galvanised enough to join a befriending service!!

and then once he got his “friend” ie you, he kicked back and enjoyed the fruits of you pandering to him

Don’t

i reckon that you are unintentionally stopping him

6 years ago, in his late sixties, he joined a befriending service. That shows a lot of bravery and motivation that has since whittled away

@safariled I think you're probably right... he's not short on confidence, joined the befriending service, did group and individual bereavement counselling, and then seems to have fallen into this pit of doom - I spent time trying to find groups, hobbies, U3A events, non of which he bothered with, so I've stopped trying.
I also wondered if the house was causing some of the feelings.. it was bought for them to have a happy retirement, and was the house his wife died in...but its way too big for one bloke to rattle round in, hence the hoarding / clutter

When you say a befriending service do you mean something set up commercially or something you volunteer for or is it something different?

It was set up through one of the community hospitals.. we live quite rurally... not sure it exists now.. I joined as I was new to the area, so thought it was a good way to meet people

Generally with those types of befriending services there’s someone in charge of running it - hospitals wouldn’t usually pair up strangers without some kind of process in place

reason I’m asking is that it feels that you are volunteering your time to support this man and as such there should be some kind of structure to support you especially when you were introduced through a scheme at the hospital

Good question @Theeyeballsinthesky I don't think there was any sort of support, I don't think it exists now, but thinking about it - that would've been a good idea!
I already had DBS clearance paperwork and I remember sending that off to someone... but don't think there was any support as such - this would be about 6yrs ago

@anyoneforcustard ... ive never had a massive social circle - i have plenty of contact with friends locally, and further afield, and my mum lives 2 doors away.
I had a 30+ years career in a uniform service and am still connected to social events through that.
I travel on my own through choice and feel I have a good balance. Unfortunately that isn't the same for my friend.

@anyoneforcustard I guess not when you put it so bluntly :)
I'd miss the dogs more probably - for a long time I did think I could help get him out of the house, see / do new things, but its a 2 way street, and the other person has to at least show some interest

@anyoneforcustard I think a slow fade is on the cards definitely... I go away on holiday in 2 weeks, and have decided I won't be so readily available - if at all

You realise you don't have to be friends with him if you don't want to, right? If it's a one-way street you could choose to cut him loose.

@anyoneforcustard lol...
I have said today by text that I thought him very selfish last time I was away, especially as the news about the hospital appt was just that, and not a life threatening situation...
"Noted" was the reply, so hopefully it is!

@anyoneforcustard
lol... nope, just "noted"

I have utmost empathy for people who have been through such a life changing bereavement.

However, there comes a point where we all have to take responsibility for our grief/feelings and how it manifests towards others and that applies to all of us, not just him. If he isnt coping then he needs to engage with the help/counselling he has been offered, otherwise absolutely nothing will change.

You simply cannot expect everyone you come into contact with to be your grief sponge or to offload on them constantly and expect them to be some kind of pseudo therapist. It's a completely unreasonable burden to place on someone else and no matter how understanding or empathic a person is, they will eventually get exhausted and drained by it if its unrelentingly negativity all the time and thats exactly why people are distancing themselves from him.

Ringing you on holiday and expecting you to drop everything is utterly unreasonable and it shows a complete lack of respect for your boundaries.

I think you need to take a step back and consider what this friendship really is to you because it sounds extremely one sided and disrespectful on his part and that is a completely separate issue to what he has been through in his personal life.

I would fade him but also I would make it crystal clear that you will NOT be picking up texts or calls whilst on holiday and if he still does it then I'm afraid I would block him. He isnt listening to you. You can't sustain a friendship on those terms no matter how well meaning you are as a person. It just wont work.

@lacefan i think you just about described the last 6yrs :)...
@AmandaHoldensLips .. you're right - I just feel a bit guilty that he will have no one if I cut him loose.. although it might actually get him to pull his finger out and get some help and find his own way if living

I do agree. You don't have to be his prop if you're not getting anything out of the relationship.

If you're not willing to cut him lose completely just yet could you cut him down to lunch once a month and try and change the subject when he gets maudlin.

Don't feel guilty. It's not your responsibility to deliver emotional support services to a man who clearly thinks your role is to suck up his misery.

Talking of which... bear in mind the old saying, "misery loves company".

@anyoneforcustard .
lol.. Good question! I think in the beginning I'd just moved here for work, then it was covid, my mum then moved to the place next door but one and I started socialising with work friends and doing stuff in the village, so whereas hus life hasn't moved forward, my life has.
My mum is 88, and was widowed 16 yrs ago. She only knew me when she moved here, but does some of the activities in the village and has just booked herself on a Saga River Cruise - its like two opposite ends of the same scale! I am so proud of her, and how she's adapted. She shakes her head at how things are with my friend