5 things I can do today to feel better?

[Saturdayafternoons]

Hi all,

I've had an operation recently and I am really struggling. I have only left the house to see the GP in nearly 3.5 weeks plus for short walks down our country lane.

I've only seen DH and the DC and my parents popped in.

I am in increasingly convinced my operation hasn't worked or I've jeapordised it unintentionally by moving in the wrong way.

I can't exercise other than gentle walking. I've read books, done wordle, tried colouring in.

I spent the full 12hrs between waking and bed crying yesterday and I've cried every day for nearly a month. My face is puffy, I'm exhausted but the moment I open my eyes in the morning I remember and the only thing that stops the worrying is getting into bed and sleeping.

I don't want anti depressants and can't see the Consultant for the next 5 weeks.

Can anyone give me some suggestions to help me stop this awful destructive thought pattern?

I'm so exhausted from the worry and the crying and the post op weakness.

So what five tips can those of you who are wiser and have some perspective give me please?!

Sending you an unMNtty hug

I know how you're feeling.

What works for me is doing three things in a day. Keep it simple. That might be getting dressed, brushing my teeth or getting dressed. Achieving the little things is such a boost.

Then there's the five thing list - five things you can see, four things you can feel... etc. I'm sure you'll have come across that. Or keep your mind busy by going through the alphabet on a certain topic, eg fruit (a - apple, b - banana). Very mind numbing and stops your head whirring about.

Have you got a garden? Could you sit outside for a bit? Even in your PJs. It's a cliche, but fresh air does help.

Trashy magazines help me. Like Chat and Bella and that rubbish. Reading the exaggerated stories and then doing the puzzles is a break from reality.

Audio books are also a godsend. You may not be able to concentrate on them, but it's a comforting voice bumbling away in the background.

You will get through this. Start small, tiny in fact. Don't put too many expectations or demands on yourself.

Not a magic fix but what about

A bubble bath
Listening to your favourite play list/music
Board games with DC or snuggle up and read with them age dependent
Could you do a pedicure?
Plan a holiday?

Sorry you’re feeling so terrible, you won’t feel like this forever I promise you.

Try writing it all down, exactly how you’re feeling. Write and write until it’s all out on the page. Sometimes it’s really helpful to get it out of your head. It won’t make it go away but it lessens it somehow, helps you make sense of it.

Then you can burn it/ rip it up/ save it and carry on adding to it, whatever works best for you.

Its like a free therapy session!

Hi OP.

You sound like you're really struggling. I'm sorry to hear that.

My DM has had a lot of operations in the last 18 months and she always comes home euphoric and then has a massive slump. I think feeling blue after pain relief is a known side effect, and the strong plain killers may mask the pain the operation causes, initially, and then that all wears off at the same time.... I wonder if it might help you to know this feeling you have is common and not anything that you are doing wrong. Hopefully that may take the pressure off a bit?

Treat your mental recovery like you know you have to treat your physical recovery, slowly and with kindness to yourself, and knowing that it will take time. I found this link at BUPA Australia which may be helpful. https://www.bupa.com.au/healthlink/health-fitness/rehabilitation/beware-the-post-op-blues

Hello thank you so much for writing back. I'm currently on the slowest dog walk ever, with my old dog who doesn't pull. Hes off the lead and keeps turning round to see what's keeping me!

I just looked at the bupa attachment @CheshireSplat and basically every single one of those is how I feel exceot for sleep (I'm on HRT and magnesium so sleep like the dead).

My heart keeps thumping too which I think is because I had too much caffeinated coffee last week to try and precipitate my insides getting back to normal. But it's really uncomfortable!

OK so @Binfire I will try writing today. Good idea.

I've had a shower every day and brushed my teeth. I've been putting serum on too whilst I have the time before I'm back at work.

I have no stamina even now, I definitely felt better at 7 days than I do at 24days post op. So maybe that's the post op euphoria (though it hurt like fuck!)

@okydokethen my husband suggested going away at Easter which seems so far away! I haven't had a holiday this year because of GCSEs/my operation so that's another thing to cry over. (I know so many people don't have holidays, I promise I'm not trying to be tone deaf it's more that it's become a think to fixate on, especially when I'm looking at other people's holiday photos on FB).

I just haven't got any get up and go. I started looking at hotels last night and started crying again and gave up.

This is so not me. I'm an early bird - dogs walked, washing done, exercise, cooking etc all by 11am on a saturday. Plan holidays etc.

I need to give myself a proverbial slap I think.

@OldTinHat sorry didn't mean to miss you out then. Thank you for the unmumsnetty hug ❤️

I'm normally really into my political podcasts but I just feel ambivalent to it all. Maybe I'll find an old fave children's book and read that.

I've just finished demon copperhead so I'll search for a new book.

This sounds really hard but try not to fight against your situation.
Try to make your recovery an active thing. So try to frame rest as a positive activity, for example a mindful thought "I'm sitting in the garden and the sun and fresh air are helping my body to heal". Or "I'm walking slowly and enjoying this movement and then I'm going to rest".
Melissa Peer has loads of great meditations and hypnosis videos on YouTube which can really help with mindset.

@letstrythis I will go and have a look at her now. Thank you x

Make something. Whatever it is, however small.

Having something tangible really, really helps in my experience. Here are a few examples

• A small bunch of flowers from the garden for the kitchen table
• Muffins (I can send you a very quick recipe involving no mixing)
• crochet a granny square in nice colours, sew a rice bag for a heating pad, cast on for a scarf, anything like that
• write a few paragraphs about anything at all
• Sketch your dog
• Do one of those mindful colouring book pages
• make a proper pot of tea and use the nice cups

I send you lots of sympathy - a slump is so understandable, please don’t beat yourself up.

I am sending u my best wishes OP. Definitely have a shower. Have some sort of routine. Avoid caffeine too. Eat well. Little things like make the effort to chop ur fruit to make a fruit salad instead of eating it whole. Sit at table and savour it. On BBC sounds there is a programme your place or mine- might give u some ideas about holidays- I listen sometimes. If u fancy something sillier then Alan Carr on Global.plwyer is funny. Don't put yourself under too much pressure OP.

Do a bit of YouTube karaoke. Or at least watch some naff old videos. 80s cheeze is best.

Do square breathing to help calm yourself. If your breath is calm, it sends a message to your body to calm. You can find tons of guided meditations online. A body scan one (where you squeeze muscles/check in with each body part in turn) might help.

Do a little home beauty salon - cucumber on eyes, feet in warm water, do your nails etc

The thing I'm most upset about is that I've messed up the operation by moving in the wrong way. I've been running through ever twinge I've had from moving in a way that is anything outside of 'extra cautious'.

I feel sick at the idea that I've ruined it. It isn't feeling the way I was promised it was. And I can't cope with the idea that I'll have to live with/like this forever and it's my own fault.

On the plus side I'm trying not to put on weight to help with recovery so feeling sick so much has a really big impact on my appetite.

Will see if I can look at those meditations. Can't reach my toes to do a pedicure at the moment (normally I can do pretty hardcore yoga so my movement is severely limited).

@Turophilic I'm going to get some flowers now. Sadly I'm the least creative person ever and I don't own any crafting stuff, but I did buy coloured pencils last week so I'll draw the dog!

@Haroldwilson that made me laugh! My teens will be appalled!!

@BCBird im going back to decaf today. I can't actually sit due to stitches but I will take my fruit outside and lie on my side.

Thank you all SO much. I was determined not to fall to pieces again today and you have made me feel a little bit better. Thank god for mumsnet 😍

Op, can I ask why you don't want anti depressants?

I was reluctant for a long time, but kind of needed to show my GP I was trying all different ways to lift my depression.

I won't lie, I hated being on them, had to try different ones (which means the whole coming off, coming on hoo ha), they did make me feel flat, BUT for a period of time they enabled me to get on with my life, to look after myself and the people I have responsibility for, to just feel more stable.

You poor soul, your movement sounds incredibly limited, and the anxiety is really stark in your posts.

I know you don't have a consultant appt for a while, but do you have anyone you can chat to about your fears re moving wrong and causing trauma to your wound site? Seems to me that this is your high anxiety point, so I'd be looking at having a chat with someone who can hopefully allay your fears here. Call your clinic and ask for help. Your mind won't let it rest, and everything is spiralling from this. You feel hopeless but you don't know for sure that there's anything damaged, so see if you can find out and that involves asking for help.

It's deeply disturbing, losing trust in your own body. Your feelings, to me, are totally understandable.

@tribalmango@tribalmango I just know they are not the right answer for me. X

@tribalmango@tribalmango@CocoapuffPuff

Thank you, your reply is lovely. I did try calling the ward (private hospital) and spoke to a nurse about one of the things I thought I'd done wrong and she was so dismissive and airily said 'don't worry, the stitches are done in layers' and that was that. I saw my GP a week ago who couldn't take a proper look due to where all the stitches are and wasn't sure if it was healing scar tissue or a bulge. She did a swab and suggested a different type of laxative.

But honestly I think the only person who will be able to reassure me is the consultant and he isn't available until mid/late September.

I considered paying to see a different consultant but my GP said that they won't look at it until 6 weeks anyway and I might as well wait to see my own at 8 weeks.

I just feel so exhausted. I spent months working myself up to having this done and now I don't feel like I'm getting the promised benefit.

No one to dicuss with in real life unfortunately. DH doesn't understand the anxiety at all.

Also, I don't want people to label me as anxious because normally, I'm not!

@tribalmango I've no idea why I tagged you there. Sorry about that!

Huge hugs OP- I know what it's like recovering from an operation.

Some suggestions:

1. Your mind is looking for negative things, thats completely normal and it causes more neural networks to develop in your brain which looks for more so its a self perpetuating cycle. So, you kind of have to brainwash yourself into positivity. Get some inspiring audio books to listen to and really take them in. Some great ones on anxiety are Paul Mckenna's new one on anxiety, Dale carnigie- how to stop worrying and start living.
2. Write out a list of daily goals- no matter how small they are and tick them off. Write some long term and short ones too- you can absolutely plan for things you want to achieve in the future when you get well and research has shown that people who write their goals down are more likely to achieve them.
3. Gratitude list. I know this feels like the last thing you want to do but trust, it works. Gratitude for small things every day is hugely powerful when we can only focus on what we dont have
4. Be kind to yourself. Reframe this period not as a restriction but as recovery- your body is doing an amazing thing by healing itself so allow it to do that- and support it mentally.
5. Check out relaxation apps like insight timer and calm- there are loads of free relaxation/meditation sessions on there you could use.
6. Check out Joe Dispenza (podcasts/books etc)- he is incredible for explaining the mind/body connection and how our thoughts contribute to our physical healing. His meditations have changed my life.

@velvetcoat I've downloaded the Paul Mckenna on anxiety as I had a couple of audible credits, so it's even 'free'.

Will find a notebook and write down what I'm grateful for. Presume that takes a while to start working.

I'm a massive fan of Rangan Chatterjee and I listen to his pods a lot. He talks about gratitude and journalling etc but I always felt it was just another thing for my to do list. But now I actually have time!

Are you normally really sociable? The isolation won't be helping if so.

Could you order an afternoon tea to be delivered and get your pals round for an afternoon? Sometimes a wee bit of company is just the ticket.

@CocoapuffPuff I am sociable in so far as I chat to anyone everywhere. But I don't really have friendships, I've a friend at the other end of the country who I saw before the op, but she's a long way from here.

I've no one who would ever come to the house or I would go out with really. We moved here when the children were school age so whilst I had lots of 'mum friends' there's no one I'd go for a glass of wine with etc.

So yes I do feel pretty isolated and lonely really. It's my own fault though for not being better at that sort of thing!

The thing is I've never needed to be sociable really. I chat to people at work and I prefer to exercise on my own at home/walking/swimming. I was really fit before the op.

This sounds so, so tough.

There are a few of us on another thread who are trying out ways of managing our mental health without pharmaceutical medication.

You asked for 5 tips, and there are loads of good ones already on this thread. I’d add these:

1. For ‘emergency’ help when I’m distressed and my thinking is spiralling, I find that holding ice packs/packets of frozen peas over my eyes/cheekbones really helps (also the breathing exercises others have mentioned).
2. Kristin Neff’s short self-compassion meditations. I totally understand the desire to give yourself a slap, as you put it, but the evidence is that being kind is actually more effective! Easier said than done, so she can guide you through it.
3. A 10 minute version of Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation. It was through her that I first heard the phrase, ‘Thoughts are not facts. They’re real, but not true.’
4. Stand barefoot on the grass. Lie down on a mat outside, if you’re up to it. If it’s too hard to be with your thoughts, try using the Merlin Bird app or something to identify what birds are nearby.
5. Listen to podcasts that remind you that you’re not alone in facing these challenges and that give you practical things to try. (I’ve found lots of helpful stuff on Rangan Chatterjee’s podcast, Feel Better, Live More.)

It sounds as if you’re already doing loads of great stuff to help yourself. I’m having a rough time myself, and I’ve found it really helpful to think through what helps me, and to read everyone else’s suggestions. So you’ve helped a stranger today. Thank you! 🙏🏻

You’ll get through this!

Sorry, I see that you’ve already mentioned Rangan Chatterjee!