5 things I can do today to feel better?

[Saturdayafternoons]

Hi all,

I've had an operation recently and I am really struggling. I have only left the house to see the GP in nearly 3.5 weeks plus for short walks down our country lane.

I've only seen DH and the DC and my parents popped in.

I am in increasingly convinced my operation hasn't worked or I've jeapordised it unintentionally by moving in the wrong way.

I can't exercise other than gentle walking. I've read books, done wordle, tried colouring in.

I spent the full 12hrs between waking and bed crying yesterday and I've cried every day for nearly a month. My face is puffy, I'm exhausted but the moment I open my eyes in the morning I remember and the only thing that stops the worrying is getting into bed and sleeping.

I don't want anti depressants and can't see the Consultant for the next 5 weeks.

Can anyone give me some suggestions to help me stop this awful destructive thought pattern?

I'm so exhausted from the worry and the crying and the post op weakness.

So what five tips can those of you who are wiser and have some perspective give me please?!

Can you share what operation you had? There's bound to be someone on here who's had the same or similar and will be able to give advice. Did you have a general anaesthetic? It's not unusual to feel weird for a good few weeks after one of those.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/two-takes-on-depression/202210/what-everyone-should-know-about-post-surgical-depression

It's easy to spiral into health anxiety after a medical procedure or issue. It sounds like you've got stuck on the idea that normal movements will jeopardise your recovery. I ended up with pretty severe health anxiety (having never been an anxious person before) after getting dangerously high bp post-birth. I had a phobia of having my bp taken and convinced myself that every little thing I ate, drank or did might be spiking my bp. It can be a vicious circle!

I read a book called 'The Compassionate Mind' by Paul Gilbert, which really helped me to stop feeling anxious about feeling anxious iyswim! It's important to recognise, accept and 'sit with' your anxious feelings rather than being scared by them and trying to push them away or always distract yourself from them.

Exercise of any kind really helps. Lots of people really recommend cold showers too, if you can bear it. Just turn the shower to cold for the last couple of minutes.

Hi @Saturdayafternoons it sounds really hard.
To go from being really fit and mobile to almost incapacitated is going to take its toll on you. No wonder you feel so down. I would too. With the isolation on top of that you are going to take a mental health hit.

You've had some really good practical advice and I’ll add a suggestion to have some online counselling. It sounds like you’ve got a lot to come to terms with and no-one really to talk to? Just a few sessions with a good therapist could really help you 💐

@TheOccupier I'd best not, my colleague reads mumsnet and I wouldn't want her to know what sort of state I'm in! I did have a general. The operation took about 2hrs so I wasn't surprised to be feeling rough for the first week. It's gyane though.

I have a 'recovery guide' and it says 'weeks 3-4, you should be pain free and walking your usual distances and doing more around the house'.

But if anything I'm walking slower and shorter distances and definitely still need paracetemol. My stitches hurt me more now than a week ago it seems. GP did an infection swab on Monday but I'm assuming I'd have heard by now if I had an infection, there's nothing on my app.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft maybe I'll have another go at a cold shower. Sadly can't exercise at all other than slow walking. I can't even do a childs pose or cat cow to stretch my aching back! Will take a look at that book.

@Bisgedi thank you so much for all of that, I'll take a look at the other thread, sorry I should have looked there first. All good tips.

@howchildrenreallylearn thank you. I did have 5 months therapy leading up to my operation which didn't really help me get my head around it if I'm honest. The therapist is lovely and I found her very easy to talk to, but I presume the resilience to deal with this kind of thing can only come from within. It also seemed very abstract talking about it before it happened, more dealing with my feelings about 'why' rather than how to cope with 'when' .

OK so I'm going to go and have a nap and maybe read a book for a while and digest all of your lovely words. And maybe draw my dogs. ☺️

Thought I'd do a little update.

Positives: didn't cry all day.

Went for a second (verrrry slow) walk.

Had a glass of cava and some crisps in the garden and downloaded a new book.

Drew the dog just now. He's heavy breathing next to me on the sofa.

Downloaded Paul Mckenna and lasted 2 mins before I wanted to shout at his annoying tone so ordered a refund 😬sorr😬sorry I'm sure lots of people like him.

Tried to write things I'm grateful for. Couldn't think of any that weren't totally generic. Obvs my family and the dogs. I need to work on that.

Laid on the sofa guilt free. I'm used to it now really, I've stopped wishing I could be out doing things and I've accepted the limitations.

I'll keep coming back to the ideas mentioned, thank you all so, so much. In a way just talking about it really distracted me from starting another day in panic/frozen/crying mode.

You are wonderful ❤️ here's my dog.

Well done!

Your dog picture is brilliant!

Just to pick up on something you said earlier, no proverbial slapping. I think you'll do better with being kind to yourself.

I think that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever had. ❤️🐕

@CheshireSplat thats where the worry comes from..

So I've moved in the wrong way on day 8 post op <slap>

I had a bowel movement that hurt my stitches <totally my own fault, I knew to avoid this, even though I felt sick, was barely eating and couldn't take the prescribed medicine Slap slap slap>

I walked too much even though the recovery guidelines said to walk <slap>

I looked at my stitches and they have obviously pulled too much <god I'm and idiot, you need a giant slap>.

So yes I will try to stop with the slapping! I'm definitely worse at the weekend. I hate weekends with all that yawning time. I like the weeks when the noises outside are normal and people are busy and life is happening. The weekend definitely makes me more panicky.

I did download the meditation app last night and was very pleased with the voices. I left headspace when Andy Babbicombe left as its his voice I liked. I did a quick 5 mins. I know these things take time to bed in though. The meditation asked me to label each thought as it passed. And all of mine were labelled 'horror' and 'worry'.

Xx

Do something creative

Draw something you can see – a vase or flowers, a plant, your foot, a self-portrait. A biro and pad of paper will do for materials.

Every morning write for 3 pages in a notebook. Don’t worry about what you write – it can be any old nonsense. Just write whatever comes to mind. It doesn't have to be interesting, profound, funny, deep, anything in particular – just keep going till 3 pages are up.

Have you got a laptop? Create a free website using a site like Wix. Make it about whatever you fancy.

Could you volunteer to chat to someone on the phone? There are charities looking for those who can spare a few minutes a week to have a chat with someone.

Wishing you the best for your recovery OP

@eotchs thank you so much!

I've just run out of words at the end of page two! Needs practice.

Will draw something else today. Quite enjoyed drawing the dog. I don't think I've drawn anything since my children were little!

I loved your picture of your dog! I think you are underestimating how hard recovery from a major surgery is. I'm not a medical person but omg have I read a lot of fiction over the years and one thing I have picked up from older books from the first part of the 20th century was that people used to recuperate for ages. Richer people that is.
In Agatha Christie some of the stories are about people not doing much because they are recovering. And in Sherlock Holmes Watson is basically hanging around London recovering from war wounds plus getting over a tropical disease. And he takes ages, not helped by how much alcohol he knocks back in my opinion!
My tip to add to all the sensible stuff so far is, switch reading material to something lighter, have you read Rivers of London? Also the audio book of Woman in White read by Ian Holm is excellent.
Also as the late great Paul O'Grady said "laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diabetes then its insulin. ". I recommend the American TV shows Community, and Parks and Recreation and Abbott Elementary. And films Hot Fuzz, both Zombieland movies. I am also finding a twitter account called angry people in local newspapers very funny.
And I saved this until last, if you havnt seen it Death in Paradise all 13 seasons on the BBC is hilarious and lovely to watch.
And please stop slapping yourself, I'm sure you havnt messed up your stitches if you have by doing totally normal things as you described then stitches would never work would they!

Remember OP time is the best healer. My lovely wise MIL used to remind me of this when I was recovering from my 3 caesarean sections. Also that the body doesn't like to be messed about with whether it's the ga itself of the actual procedure.

I had my ovaries out a couple of years ago and found the recovery difficult.

You will get back to normal but you need to give your mind and body time to heal.
All the best!

I didn’t see the dog before – love it! ❤️ :)

So sorry to hear this OP.

If you have a garden, sit in the garden and listen to the birds. If it's quiet, try the Merlin app which helps you identify what type of birds are nearby.

Make a playlist on your phone of music that cheers you, or calms you down.

If you don't want antidepressants, maybe try St John's Wort which has natural anti-depressant properties and is good for lifting the mood.

Try and keep up with personal grooming - it's easy to let it slide when you feel rubbish but, psychologically, having clean hair, freshly brushed teeth, nice nails, freshly ironed clothes etc is important for helping you feel more like yourself and less like an invalid.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit thank you. I'm not working so free to recuperate like a Victorian! (sadly without the servants bringing me tea!) my lovely teenage son keeps recommending Family Guy but whilst I don't mind the odd clip he makes me watch, a whole episode is far too much! I did like that hugh grant/Nicole kidman thing on Netflix last week but I def see your point that I should go for something more lighthearted. Perhaps I'll steer clear of the final season of Ozark!!

In terms of messing my stitches I've sneezed hard several times unexpectedly and the pain that went through my stitches was next level 😫and so many other small micro things I've done wrong. But I am trying hard to stop going over it in my mind it doesn't serve any purpose and I won't know until I've seen the consultant.

@nowtygaffer thank you. It's the guilt you feel for not being able to do anything around the house and I've think I'm pushing my family to the limit asking them to do all the housework I normally do.

@TeamPolin i do shower etc everyday, that's never been an issue. Even when I was in the depths of despair on HRT at the beginning I would still get clean and dressed and even exercise.

I'm off for a walk now. I had a shower where I Spiralled thinking about all the normal ruminating stuff, tried turning the temp down managed about 4 seconds!

It's a bit like waiting for exam results when you are sure you've totally failed!

I got my son to give me a drawing lesson earlier. He's brilliant at drawing. We both drew a piece of fruit. His looks like fruit 😂

@nowtygaffer i hope you are fully recovered now (and on HRT?!)

It's good you have recognised this. I've had therapy and my therapist has been very keen on me working out where my internal critic has come from. I didn't even realise I had one, I thought I was completely normal lol.

I also prefer the week to the weekend. I'm happier working on pointless tasks than not having a focus. Which is a bit sad and seems to be a waste of my life. Oh hello critic!

Post your fruit picture? Your DS sounds lovely.

Gratitude journal every night is scientifically proven to uplift your mood.

Same for weight lifting. Even hand weights while seated, and it reportedly works quickly, too.

Helping others is also a scientifically tested method of boosting mood. Is there anything you can do for others? Cook something? Lend an ear?

Was it spinal surgery?

You couldn't think of anything you are grateful for?

@BettyBardMacDonald no! I have tried doing gratitude things a few times. I always just sit and think about really generic stuff and I feel a bit numb doing it.

I did try it yesterday morning and came up with more stuff though. Yesterday I was grateful for the first autumn mist and the smells in the air. And I did try several pages of writing too. And meditation.

I honestly find it very hard to do when I'm feeling so low. Maybe that's just me.

Not spinal surgery. Absolutely no weights can be lifted. Which is most frustrating as I'm one of those people who tells people how good lifting weights is and recommends caroline girvan! I have a set of dumbells and kettle bells and I can't imagine a day I'll get to use them again.

@CheshireSplat yes! I spend every weekend thinking I've wasted my 40s hating the weekends! Other people do things, we do nothing. And yet I'm not sure I want to do anything as I love early nights!

I did go for two walks yesterday and did a walking meditation for one of them. And I am doing a set of evening meditations for fead/anxiety. Plus the physio I need to do.

I also did some drawing, filed my nails, made an insanely delicious and healthy broth/soup with edemame beans, chopped fresh chive, cavolo, chopped courgette, chopped chicken, and really good frozen chicken stock (M&S frozen chicken stock - so expensive but a big treat), plus a runny egg on top. Very health giving.

And every time I started to spiral with panic I tried to do something else.

My danger point is walking. I've always used dog walking time for ruminating if I'm feeling low. When I'm OK i listen to podcasts and concentrate or audio books but when I'm down every step makes me sad. Even though I love walking. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also it's when I first wake up. I have to be careful getting out of bed/rolling over and I remember and then my heart sinks because it all comes flooding back to me.

Anyway. I'm not working still so I'm having a lazy lie in and then I'm off for my walk and I'll do the gratitude and writing stuff.

And here is the lemon drawing. The light was different when we did the drawing so the shading is from earlier in the day.

You sound extremely depressed but if you've ruled out medication there's not much anyone here can suggest that will overcome a brain chemistry imbalance.

Are you in therapy?

@BettyBardMacDonald do I? I wouldn't even have described myself as anxious until I had to face this situation!

I did see a therapist for a few months. But I didn't really get much from it. The odd moment of 'ah, so that's why I react like I do'. But I get the impression you need to keep at it for a long time to see results and it's expensive!

I'm doing OK today. I've cried once, but hauled myself back from giving in to it for the day. And done a walk and physio and eaten breakfast. So all good really.

Can you play a musical instrument? Maybe start, with online lessons via YouTube?

Being unable to move when you've clearly been very active is difficult, but maybe choose to use this time to reset and learn things you've never had time for.

Languages, creative writing, history, natural world, science, etc. Evening classes will start soon, could there be something in your local area that you fancy trying? Chess, online scrabble, other games. Online book club like Reece Witherspoon's one, or in person, close to home. Art clubs, which are totally unjudgemental I find. Cookery classes.

Some of these may be a bit more physical than you're fit for right now, but you get the gist.

My advice would be to get out of your own head and do something structured. Set yourself a wee routine. It sounds like you're flying by the seat of your pants right now, and it doesn't work for you.

Activity stops my anxiety in its tracks, and whilst your activity is curtailed by your current physical limitations, that doesn't rule out everything. The trick will be finding your magic moments.

Another lovely drawing. I'm very impressed by your lemon. Much better than I could do. Can you treat yourself to some nice pencils?

It sounds like you are doing so many helpful things. Keep it up for a couple of weeks and see how you feel. Don't give up, because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I've come to realise I am very task driven so do best at weekends by writing to do lists which I can cross out. It seems wrong to have to live that way but if it helps, I'll stick with it in the medium term.

Completely off topic but we seem to have a few traits in common. Do you ever think that your life hasn't started yet, that you're just waiting for something to be done and then you'll start living properly? DH has no idea what I'm talking about but when I first read about this idea, it was one of those, oh yes, I've always felt like that but never realised it was a thing. www.oliverburkeman.com/never