Very close to ending things

[JamSandle]

Last night I wrote a letter and figured out a plan to no longer be here.

I am suffering massively after a breakup that was my fault. I'm no teenager. I'm mid 30s. I have had my share of grief and this has been the straw that broke the camels back.

I am on antidepressants and in therapy but I just really clearly no longer want to be here.

The only reason I didn't is because my brother came in while I was crying , we talked and he promised me not to do anything.

But I can't promise that.

I've lost so many people I love and I feel mentally and emotionally broken.

I simply do not want to be here and if I could flick a switch and be gone I would.

I wish it was more socially acceptable to let people go. We put so much into fighting to keep people alive but for some being alive is like being in hell. Its excruciating.

I wish I could sign up for euthanasia and just go. I find the world too much and I've had so much loss. I just want to go to sleep and have it be over. They say life is a gift but it just seems to be a process of slowly being chipped away at, slowly losing everything and everyone. My life is so empty now and I have no strength to keep fighting.

If I can't do it myself, I have been praying to be in an accident or get an illness or even be murdered.

I think some people aren't made for this world and I'm one of them. And I so desperately want to go.

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

Do you have an emergency number for your therapist? Would you be open to calling Samaratans and just trying to talk? Perhaps your brother is around today, I'm sure he'd want to be with you.

It's a beautiful day where I am, is it sunny where you are? Go outside, just for a few minutes and feel the sunshine, take a breather, please then reach out for help.

I am so sorry you are in such horrible pain. Grief and loss can be anguishing pain and not everyone may understand the depth of your emotional suffering, but I think I do, a bit anyway. I want to gently and warmly say that as horrendous as you feel today, this feeling is not permanent. You may not be able to hope for that right now, so let me hold that hope for you, and encourage you to keep going. The therapy you are doing will take time and you may need a bit more support. For example, seeing your GP and talking to a helpline. The Samaritans are a good call as per PP. To talk it through out loud. You can ring the local emergency mental health line and you can definitely call your brother. You don't need to have any grand plans but a little something to distract yourself like a walk, a coffee in a cafe, get a pint of milk at the shop, anything to give your mind and break for the situation which is feeling so hard at the moment. Even though it feels so bleak right now, that can and will pass but sometimes we really need help to pull us out of deep pain and despair. That's why these services and treatments exist and you deserve to get help.

Can you remember a time when you were happy and the thought of not being there to experience that happiness would have been unthinkable? I know that at the moment even the possibility of having that again seems impossible but in the same way you feel you will never be happy again there WILL come a time when you look back at this part of your life and realise it was dark and horrible but that it did pass.

When it comes to dealing with loss (bereavement, the end of a relationship, the loss of our job etc.) our mind can conclude that the thing we have lost was so integral to our idea of what happiness is that we can never be happy again.

The weighing scales analogy might help you.

When we want to weigh out ingredients to cook something, we place a bowl on the scales and hit the zero button so that the weight of the bowl does not confuse our calculations. Then we add the ingredients and the numbers go up; were we to remove the bowl, the scales would read a minus number. To continue weighing anything accurately we must hit the button to zero the scales once more, now the bowl isn’t there.

When we have a tragedy in our life we can be plunged into depression because our happiness levels now read a minus. Any attempt to improve our life would result in slightly less of a minus... but a minus all the same.

Depression is when we don’t see any way of getting back to zero. A person’s ability to move on from tragedy depends entirely on their ability to adapt to where they are now and to effectively ‘zero the scales’. If we can accept where we are today (minus that loved one, or that relationship, or that job), we can start to once again build on our happiness levels.

Human beings are, in fact, excellent at resetting the scales and adapting to new circumstances (we do it every time we improve our situation or circumstances but very quickly take that for granted).

Please reach out to the Samaritans on 116 123. Don't wait.

Try to ride it out,

Without going into detail, somthing terrible happened 2 weeks ago and I had made plans not to be here anymore. I wrote letters to my childrens my family, close friends.

I think some people aren't made for this world and I'm one of them. And I so desperately want to go

I feel exactly the same and always have. I have online journals and 7 years ago I wanted to leave. And it's always still been in the back of my mind, I just try really hard to ignore it. But if something awful happens those feelings of not wanting to be here come up to the surface again

Please try and ride it out. Try and do some small things you enjoy, these feelings will pass but you've got to try aswell. Try and help yourself x

If it wasnt for my friend I wouldnt be bere right now, I still dont really want to be, but I feel a lot better than I did 2 weeks ago x

This.

the Samaritans are not what they used to be. Believe me.

your brother seems to want to help, let him.
can you meet up with him?
go for a walk together?
if you don’t reach out people don’t know.
go to your GP

do what’s right for you

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have had experience of dear friends who suffered terribly with the most deep, dark depression for many years. I’m going to one of their weddings later this year. There is light at the end of the tunnel but I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, because the illness does a number on you. Have you read any of Matt Haig’s books? He was depressed for many years. He has one which I think is called ‘Why Not To Give Up.’ I get it, you feel like you’re done. But please believe me when I say that this will pass.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

How are you today OP?

Hey op how are you? I'm up most of the night if you want to talk

I know it sounds foolish but I find poetry incredibly helpful when life feels unbearable:

For the Sake of Strangers
BY DORIANNE LAUXX_
No matter what the grief, its weight,
we are obliged to carry it.
We rise and gather momentum, the dull strength
that pushes us through crowds.
And then the young boy gives me directions
so avidly. A woman holds the glass door open,
waiting patiently for my empty body to pass through.
All day it continues, each kindness
reaching toward another—a stranger
singing to no one as I pass on the path, trees
offering their blossoms, a child
who lifts his almond eyes and smiles.
Somehow they always find me, seem even
to be waiting, determined to keep me
from myself, from the thing that calls to me
as it must have once called to them—
this temptation to step off the edge
and fall weightless, away from the world.

The Thing Is
BY ELLEN BASSS_
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you down like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again

Hello everyone

I'm still here.

I stayed in bed all day and my brother stayed with me and kept me safe. I didnt hurt myself. I have literally been crying, panicking and being sick all day like some kind of exorcism.

But I didn't hurt myself x

Well done for getting through today. When I feel really low I listen to, The streets, on the edge of a cliff xx

You made it through the day. Well done. Things can get better.

It's a positive song x I'm sorry you are feeling how you are also, just wanted to share something that helps me through difficulties x

Well done. I’ve been where you are, and I know how hard and exhausting it is. You just need to take it one hour at a time. Right now, you’re safe and warm. Let yourself relax. Let yourself sleep.

One hour at a time. Keep talking to your brother. We’re listening if you want to talk.

Thinking of you OP. Your brother sounds lovely .

I’ve been there. It was after a breakup and I was so alone and depressed. I wished I was dead.

Now I wish I could go back to that time, because all I had was emotional pain. I didn’t realise how lucky I was to be healthy and not have physical pain. I’m suffering way more now from physical pain and fear of death than I ever did from emotional pain. My previous agony pales in comparison and I wonder how I could ever have been so stupid as to think I had a problem.

I've been here a few times myself, in fact I did attempt one time. Let me tell you ten years later and I am so bloody glad I never did it/didn't work. Life will get better I promise you that. I know it's easier saying it than being in it but it will. Please talk to anyone, change your anti depressants - for me they made things worse so I came off them and I was much happier.

OP I went through a horrible break up last year, absolute love of my life, I thought. I cried, puked, faked my way through the days at work, talked relentlessly about him to anyone that would listen. I thought I'd never feel better and never be able to look at another man.

It's a year later and I look back at him and think Jesus, what was I on? I have liked someone else since, which 100% surprised me and my indifference to this man would have been unthinkable at the stage you're at. I know it feels relentless now but if you ride this out, you will come out the other side and feel different one day. Better. It's normal to feel the way you do when you lose someone you love, but it does get better. Keep your brother and other loved ones close, talk lots, get it all out. Keep safe. Xx

I have felt this way myself. It's utterly despairing, dreadful misery. I really really feel for you.
You are not the only person to feel like this. It's not something one chooses it's not a matter of 'pulling yourself together' and being told that there are people worse off than you - yes, I've had all that and it's not helpful, quite the opposite.
I sincerely hope you feel more positive soon. Don't blame yourself for anything, it's not your fault. You do have the capacity to feel better. You really do, although you may not feel like you do right now.
You are getting through this dark time, one step at a time, back towards the time when it won't be so bad.
It might be helpful to speak to a doctor or Practice nurse. Or contact Mind, a very caring charity.

I found that knowing others were going through the same as me was a relief. Not a magic cure, but a little comfort to know I was understood and not judged.
I wish you all the very best & I wish I could help you through this awful time in your life.

Thank you so much. The kindness of everyone on here means so much especially right now. I cant believe after yesterday that I am still here. It almost feels like a dream. I was so close. I feel calm now, probably from all the crying. I am considering whether to contact my doctor and tell her what happened because I don't want to be in that state again.

I just looked at a photo of me as a baby and apologised to her. I cant believe I nearly hurt her.

Please do contact your doctor, as I said I realised my anti depressants made me worse. I also work in healthcare and I know some anti depressants just don't agree with people, also if you e been on a certain one too long they can affect badly too. There's so many more varieties please try. I really feel for you, you're not alone. Please don't give up xx

Is there a possibility that it will go on my record and I may be forced into anything? Sorry if that sounds paranoid. I want to be honest but also conscious that it doesn't stigmatise me going forward.

Good idea to contact your doctor. Be really open with them.