Very close to ending things

[JamSandle]

Last night I wrote a letter and figured out a plan to no longer be here.

I am suffering massively after a breakup that was my fault. I'm no teenager. I'm mid 30s. I have had my share of grief and this has been the straw that broke the camels back.

I am on antidepressants and in therapy but I just really clearly no longer want to be here.

The only reason I didn't is because my brother came in while I was crying , we talked and he promised me not to do anything.

But I can't promise that.

I've lost so many people I love and I feel mentally and emotionally broken.

I simply do not want to be here and if I could flick a switch and be gone I would.

I wish it was more socially acceptable to let people go. We put so much into fighting to keep people alive but for some being alive is like being in hell. Its excruciating.

I wish I could sign up for euthanasia and just go. I find the world too much and I've had so much loss. I just want to go to sleep and have it be over. They say life is a gift but it just seems to be a process of slowly being chipped away at, slowly losing everything and everyone. My life is so empty now and I have no strength to keep fighting.

If I can't do it myself, I have been praying to be in an accident or get an illness or even be murdered.

I think some people aren't made for this world and I'm one of them. And I so desperately want to go.

@JamSandle no, it will show up you are on antidepressants and no you won't be forced into anything like sectioning etc

I'm glad you are feeling slightly better OP. Some antidepressants can cause suicidal feelings. Definitely see your doctor about it. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Hiya, well done for being here still x I've been there a couple of times myself- and felt that was it, no point being here if i feel like this forever... but it doesn't last. It takes time, but if I have any moments now, I tell myself to wait... it has always passed, however bad.
Antidepressants can take up to 6 weeks to fully kick in, and can make you feel worse for the first 2/3 weeks sometimes, but go back to GP, as they can change them if they aren't suiting you.
Best wishes.

Hey @JamSandle I hope your doing okay ❤️ your not alone hun xx

Think it's best you contact the doctor OP, don't worry about stigma. One thing at a time. Take care

Thank you everyone.

I know this is unhealthy but I feel the only thing that will help is having my ex back. We were happy together. It was me that caused the relationship to break down (self sabotage I think) and i feel so awful about it.

I feel like as I can't change the outcome and I can't accept it, it's very hard to keep going.

Just remember, you had a life before you knew him and I bet there were times you were happy before you knew him. It's very very rare for a relationship to end entirely due to one person so please look into some sort of therapy to try and get a more balanced view of what happened.

When a massively significant relationship in my life ended I thought I could never be happy again and it took a long time to recover, but I did and I've been with my current partner for 15 happy years. You WILL get over this lovie.

Chick you need to double down on self love. Your existence shouldn't hinge on someone else's presence in your life. I feel you may have lost your self in this relationship and your saviour will be rebuilding your relationship and lust for your own life. If you get your self back on top, if the relationship is meant to be, it may well rekindle. You might even be the one to realise you don't want it when you fulfil your own aspirations for life. It doesn't sound like you're in the right headspace to be committing to something outwith your own journey. Trust the process, focus on you and the rest will come. It will be painful for a while but it will gradually get better. You can do this!

Do you have a good support network who live with you or around you - sounds like your brother is around? It can be harder when you live alone.
In terms of the ex, I think sometimes we do sabotage things but it's important to understand what was at the root of this. Therapy can be such a useful tool.
When I have felt very low but had some energy, I tried to put little distractions back into my life - planning a small holiday/trip, crafts or making stuff, books.
Are you working at the moment - if so can the pressure be alleviated there somehow?

I have family, friends and work. But I don't really want to see many people. When I'm home I don't feel great but I can feel even worse when I'm out. I'm considering asking to be signed off for a bit but I don't know if that will make me better or worse. This morning I just feel so depleted. I still don't want to be here. Not with the intensity and desperation as before. But I feel very scared and hurt by life. I put on a big front when I'm out when I can but inside I am very checked out.

It's so hard. I was in such a good place in my life and I've fallen so far back. I know its only me that can make myself strong again but I don't know I'm going to do that. My mind is very negative and I feel really compressed.

Part of what makes me tired is I've had to do this rebuilding a few times in life now. And I just don't want to do it again. I feel like my reserves of resilience are so small and low. I wish I could peacefully go somewhere away from people, life, expectations, disappointments. I feel like a child. Somehow I have to look after me.

I have to turn up to two things today. I'm gearing up to put my fake face on. It takes so much energy. Then I usually get home and completely fall apart. Almost feel like im an alien pretending so noone finds me out.

I saw this wonderful quote this morning and thought of you;

"Did you know that butterflies rest when it rains because it damages their wings?
It's OK to rest during the storms of life.
You'll always fly again once it's over.
Trust the process."