Is this a blip or am I losing controls again? Anorexia/Depression

[OracleInaCoracle]

Since I was 6 I have been anorexic. I have managed to maintain a healthy weight for quite a while now and have forced myself to put weight on to improve our chances of having another baby, but its not working.

I feel dreadful. I feel fat and dirty and i loathe my "new" body. the only thing that will make me feel better again is losing weight, but i know from experience that i cant just lose a couple of pounds. I feel low all the time, im exhausted, having migraines and have no interest in anything at all, in fact feel like i did when i had PND after ds was born. but ds is nearly 3 and i know that my low mood is more to do with my inability to have another baby than anything else.

I long to get back some control, I know that I am healthier this size , and the BDS that i had showed that years of starving myself has put me at risk from osteoporosis. the only reason Im not listening to the other side is for my ds, i know i wont be able to stop when i start iykwim and im really scared. my EDT was fab and said that if i need an emergancy appt to call, but unfortunately i will always have to live with this. i dont want to. im fed up of having these 2 sides and the bad one being the strongest, it would be so easy to just give up. what should i do? i feel so desperate.

Poor you no advice just lots of hugs - it sounds like you've got a big battle on your hands but it does sound to me that although its very hard you are winnng which is a good sign. If you've been like this since you were so young have you issues from your past that still need resolving? Perhaps if you try to address those - forgive me if you have I'm no therapist - than it might help. I know when I had DS my pND was exacerbated by unresolved childhood issues its almost as if your own motherhood brings these things to the forefront. Anyway big hugs, keep on fighting.

i have talked through my childhood a lot, and know that my anorexia is a defence mechanism that i started as a child, the problem is that it works too well

I don't really know much about disorders but have you tried CBT as that I believe is supposed to help with changing that kind of thing. Sorry you've been at this a lot I'm sure I'm trying to teach you how to suck eggs - I guess you've got to keep fighting and know which side you need to be on however hard it is. If you are doing it for your Ds and another baby perhaps they might provide the strngth you need to keep fighting. Good luck.

not at all, my EDT specialises in CBT, and while it does work in the sense that i recognise the role that my anorexia plays in my life, i still cant stop. i suppose its too ingrained now.

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time lissielou. I too have suffered with eating disorders and depression but thankfully I haven't had an episode for six years. Try to be strong and don't give in. I found cutting out caffeine and eating happy foods with good fats in like salmon and hazelnuts helpful. Also exercise is good for migraines, or would that be opening another can of worms? I know I have to be careful about over exercising too. Lots of love to you and hope you feel better

i dont have anorexic experience but i do have mental health issues as i am bipolar and i echo what nolda says about lifestyle

can you exercise without using it to lose weight? it is good for making you feel better which is how i use it now and to build up strength and maintain weight but not usre if thats harder if you are anorexic in tendency

a gi diet is good and foods which have tryptophan like bananas, turkey, mango, hard cheese etc

and cutting down out caffeine

these are all things i am constantly trying to do to balance moods

maybe youd like to come on the 10/10 fruit and veg thread we all try to eat healthily but dont always succeed and i find it supportive when i am having difficulties with mood swings

i think you are right you have a lifetime ahead of trying to balance yourself but once you truly accepot that i think it does get a bit easier

i try not to see it so much as abttle now to keep control but a challenge to be as fit and healthy as possible and try and enjoy my life more rather than feeling so much like a survivor against the odds

thank you. i dont have caffeine (part of my baby-craving) and i do eat a healthy diet, exercise is a funny one for me, i become addicted very quickly and the only exercise i take now is walking.

thank you for your replies btw

lissie i thought that might be true about the exercise

even i find that a bit so i can see how that happens

part of it is maybe having an obsessive streak like an addicitve personality

well i tend to so anything i do tends to get more extreme so i have to be careful

thats it. i often refer to my anorexia as an addiction because i am addicted to how i feel when im in one of my cycles!

Hugs lissielou, I suffered from bulimia for 9 years and thankfully have been well now for 7 years.

I heard a fabulous motivational interview on Jeremy Vine's radio show the other morning, by a lady who is in recovery from anorexia. It was full of hope for people who have suffered for years, had bad experiences of treatment, or been told they won't get better etc. If you click on his home page you may well find a useful link?

The biggest step (as you know) is that you recognise your feelings and are able to do something about them (ie. make an appt with your counsellor). You have clearly worked VERY hard to get where you are and are a survivor - well done!!

thanks captaincaveman. are you seeing an EDT?

it is hard work

i think maybe there are common issues with being bipolar or the results of being bipolar lead to these addictive issues

my issue is liking being manic and i know how to get there sort of but it is bad for me ultimately so i should be aiming not to get there but on the other hand i have a fear of ebing depressed

exactly zippi! when i dont eat i get the usual feelings of lethargy and weakness and hunger, but that goes vv quickly and after a day or two i get a buzz, a proper physical buzz. losing weight is just a pleasant side effect. so when i feel low i dont eat, because it makes me feel better. and if i dont stop eating i focus on my weight and feel even worse about myself so its like everything conspires against me to stop me eating. but i know thats just a cop out. i choose to do it, for selfish reasons

it does sound similar

i am more in control when my life feels more secure

when i am stressed i tend to go for late nights coffee and wine and shopping and things which make me hyper

but they also make me stressed and out of control

and i also post a lot on mn as i have a buzzy brain and need to keep doing stuff

and i do lots of exercise

if i dont exercise i feel dperived

first off, i am so sorry you are having a hard time, you know where i am if you need me

second , do you think that subconcioulsy./ conciously you don;t want to gain weight, because if you do, and you still do not have a baby, then you will feel even worse? do you think that if you stay too thin, you can pin the 'blame' for not having another baby on that, rather than anything else?

i saw that your consultants at LWH don;t seem to be able to do any thing much.. that must be a terrible blow

i would warrant you are depressed , after everything you have been through, i am not a bit surprised

instead of trying to eat a big meal, can you have stuff like soup? which might be less imposing than a meal, but is still nourishing

As usual Lulu beat me to it.

Lissie, I know me saying this probably won't help at all, but when I saw you the other day you looked fabulous. You are slim, beautiful and have a lovely healthy complection. I know from experience that you won't listen to this (I never do) but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway.

You know where I am honey. Call me anytime you need to.

Oh, and in answer to your question - I think it's a blip, because you have come on here and told us how you are feeling, rather than just getting on with starving yourself.

oh yes it is probably true that you recognise the risk

i find i have got a lot better at doing that

the wearing part is the here we go again feeling that experiencing these cycles gives

thank you, i suppose i am frustrated that i have put on all this weight (1.5st in total) to have another baby and its still not working. i have taken myself out of my comfort zone for nothing, and i feel like such a failure.

But you are not Lissie! you really do look good too. I'd love to be able to fit into your jeans

I do understand about comfort zones though. I'm way out of mine atm.

Hi lissie - your friends give great advice!

I no longer see anyone as I'm now well but I wouldn't hesitate to go back if I became unwell again. I felt so bloody miserable when I was bulimic, although I loved being slim, I just felt ill all the time. I've put on about a stone since being well and seem to have settled at that. Interestingly, since having ds (now 3.11) I love my body like I never did before.

oh red, youre so sweet. thank you.

cc, did you struggle after having ds?

i hate being like this

well, still not feeling good. got v paranoid today and snappy. i know it probably is just a blip, but...

lissie - since having ds I've been really well, in fact the best i've been. I still have days when I feel 'fat' - I know I'm not but my body doesn't feel comfortable. Thankfully those days are few and far between and I get over it fairly quickly.
I'm now 22 weeks pg and have been eating rather more than I normally would but I am enjoying it!!
There is hope - you can overcome an ED and even though I consider myself 'recovered', I still know what my triggers are and work hard to avoid them. Life can be good after an ED, I really hope you find that happy medium too x