*TW* Not suicidal but fantasising about being dead

[ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop]

I know that sounds awful and I hope it isn't triggering for anyone, but it is how I feel at the moment. I also know it doesn't make any sense - if I was dead, I wouldn't know anything about it so how can I fantasise about being in a state that I would be unaware of? Despite that, I wish all the time that I could just quietly die. I'm so tired of getting up every day, making an effort to go about my business and appear normal, feeding myself, going back to bed, and repeating the whole thing over and over again. I have no actual suicidal ideation or any plans or anything like that. I just think about illnesses and accidents and having it sort of happen without any input from me. Is this something other people can identify with?

Depression? It can sneak up on you.

I get it. I do this. I mostly wish I could be in a coma for a few months, but I've often wished to just not wake up.

Yeah I can feel like this but it's not very comforting anymore as I have a child now and I couldn't bear to leave them with no mum. Depression sucks ass

Yes, briefly as teenager with a vampire /horror obsession.

“I'm so tired of getting up every day, making an effort to go about my business and appear normal, feeding myself, going back to bed, and repeating the whole thing over and over again”.

^ This isn’t normal.
How old are you OP? Friends, family, job? Children, pets? Hobbies? Do you feel sad, depressed, numb? What’s happening in your life.

I feel like this I think I'm just trying to get through life, when it's my birthday I think of it as another year done and try and kill time as much as possible.
I sleep a lot too because that's good for getting rid of time.
I had a blood transfusion a year ago and could have died I often think about that and think I shouldn't have to be doing this now because I had a way out but it was a missed opportunity. I think the worst part is not knowing how long you've got so you can't count down.

I don't have family other than elderly parents. No partner because I've never been in the right place mentally to deal with all that. No kids by choice. Pets - yes, and not wanting to leave them behind is my main motivation for plodding on really. I work full-time in a fairly "good" job, because I have no choice but to work. I try not to take time off tbh, because if I have too much time to myself, my brain goes off in unhelpful directions like it has done now - in fact, I've been off this week because I had to take some leave that I'd carried over, which is probably why I made this thread.

I have been depressed for most of my adult life so feel flat and numb most of the time. Sometimes I have periods of feeling sick and anxious, like when I have something difficult to do at work or a social event I'm not in the right frame of mind for.

Sorry, I didn't answer the age question. I'm actually 45 this month. Birthdays often set me off thinking like this because it's another year of nothing achieved and the same old shit.

Currently lying here feeling the same. I think the numb feeling, no obligations and no constant traumas and issues.

It'd be nice

Everyone would NOT be happy I promise you x

@LeaveTheClocksAlone how can you know that? I've gone over and over this in my head and it really is true. My existence makes no logical sense at this point in time.

Can identify with this completely, exactly how I feel. I have no real purpose in this world, everyone would get along just fine without me now and my dh could do so much with my life insurance.
I feel so guilty when I hear about the tragic deaths of people who were so young and had so much to live for when I’m here just taking up space.

I sat down and thought, who can I talk to about how bad I feel. And I realised there is literally no one. DH shouts at me if I try and it's not acceptable to burden your children with that. Besides, they only see me out of guilt these days. Tried reaching out to people I thought were my friends but not one even wants to meet me. So I don't think any one of them can expect me to stay for them. It's time to just get this done.

I’m a year older than you. When did these feelings come over you?
Most of your life decisions, seem like you chose them. No partner and no children?
Do you regret those decisions?

You say you’ve felt a bit depressed / anxious most of your life. Do you take any meds /have counselling? May you have started peri which has stepped up these feelings. I would see your GP, if you haven’t. Take up some exercise, look at your diet, alcohol etc.

This thread has me thinking two complete opposite things. So glad that I’m not the only one that feels like this but also so sad that other people feel like this.

I constantly think that the world, in particular my son and husband would be better off without me. And to just not be here would be perfect. But then I feel so guilty and horrible for thinking that and the few times my little one would actually miss me he wouldn’t understand where I had gone.

I didn't exactly choose to have no partner but I've never had the confidence to approach any guy I've liked, and I've never been approached, so that's that really. I was never anything special to look at and I've certainly not got better with age, so I can't see it happening now, and I'm not sure I would even want it to. I've been on my own for so long that I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship now. No regrets about not having kids, though - I don't have a maternal bone in my body and I never have!

I don't drink alcohol and I don't eat badly. Yes, I am peri and it's definitely contributed. But my GP did blood tests and told me I wasn't, so no help there.

I know it's not exactly the same, but you can talk to us on here. You sound further down the thought chain than I am and I feel concerned about you, if that's not too weird of me to say. Please don't base your opinions about your worth on a husband who shouts at you when you try to open up to him - that's not an OK way for you to be treated.

Hello to those on here who are struggling - we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Best wishes from MNHQ

Yes this is me. I’ve got a brain tumour grade 2, so not going to kill me quickly, but I’d prefer it if it was worse and I would die without guilt.

@ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop please don't worry about me, I'm sorry to hijack your thread. I just need to think through the details and everything will be OK.

I have been exactly where you are, mentally OP. Had one too many losses in my life and PTSD. Cried every day for over a year. I know I'm depressed when I feel like this as it's happened more than once in my lifetime (3/4 times in 4 decades). I have always tried to come 'off' antidepressants once they start working. I now realise I need to be on them for life.
When I'm feeling really bad, I can't even get myself to leave the house, much less so to see my GP. It's a battle to lift the phone and ring and ask for help, and usually by this point I'm crying hysterically down the phone. I'm so glad I did make that call last time. I'm now on Sertraline and it's been life changing for me. I've tried several other SSRI's and SRNI's but this one (although it made me worse to begin with) has been a game changer. I'm not 'happy' per se, - hats never a state I look to be in as it's unrealistic on a regular basis, but just to be more in control of my emotions is such a relief.
The other thing that has kept me on this planet are my children and my beloved pets. Animals give me a reason to live when I'm down. I'm not disrespecting my kids here, but they are adults now and are well on their way to stable lives. I've had to share' them with my exH who was a cruel bully and an abuser, and put on a front for years and years, to ensure they were never affected. It took its toll, but I am now thriving.
Please try and give yourself some inner peace. Some calm, some time to think what you need in life to just be content and secure. Learn yoga, or Pilates, hide away and read a book, buy yourself a heated blanket (I kid you not it's like being permanently hugged @ 5p p/h !)

I get it is horrendously hard to drag your brain off the floor and motivate yourself, but you count in this world. You matter. And remember you never hurt yourself if you were to leave this world prematurely, but you hurt and wound others, for ever. You can do this. ❤️

These are intrusive thoughts. I have OCD and get this regularly. Please go speak to your gp 🩷

What's the deletion for? Apparently you can't be honest about your feelings on Mumsnet. Thanks for nothing.

I have intrusive thoughts if I hear about a car crash or a parent with cancer feeling it should be me. Maybe a few people would miss me but the people in the car most likely want to live a full life and I’m ambivalent. I have no children and just my parents why don’t I have the cancer?

But I come round they are just thoughts and I’m not suicidal. I wish I had kept up with meditation I did but let lapse. I’m religious and prayer helps. The meditation is completely secular though.

I wish I could point to more reasons I should be alive

I had these in the past and to me they feel like a formal of passive suicidal ideation. It wasn't until I thought through the actual brutal reality of dying, impact on others (there is impact no matter what someone who is telling themselves there won't be), and then experiencing a close family member dying I realised that I was not going to passively mess around with these thoughts anymore. I think they are a form of coping and they should be talked about with a therapist or someone who can hold space for whatever is causing you to feel like life is too much. Please talk about them somewhere. Life is so precious and these thoughts suck away all the joy and life force.