*trigger warning* My therapist self-harms

[AnnoyingPopUp]

Very difficult situation and I’d appreciate your thoughts. I will write this post very bluntly - not intending to be insensitive, but this is about me, and also I’m autistic so my focus may be different from yours.

I’m seeing a clinical psychologist (paying privately; she’s recommended by someone I trust, and is fully qualified, experienced, regulated, legit etc).

In our most recent session she had very visible, very recent (definitely within the last few weeks due to the amount - or not - of healing) self-harm scars on her hand, wrist and arm. She was wearing shorter sleeves than normal.

I am absolutely not mistaken. They are identical to the scars one of my children has from their own self-harm. She also has old cigarette-burn marks on the backs of her hand which I hadn’t noticed before.

As a fellow human I feel very sad that she is going through something that causes her to harm herself.

I appreciate that this may make her a better psychologist as she’s experienced stuff herself.

But

As a paying client/patient, I do not want to see visible evidence of her own problems when I am paying her to deal with mine.

I do not want the distraction of worrying if she is OK.

And I don’t want the thought that’s currently popping into my head, which is, what if something I’m telling her is triggering her?

I also feel triggered (I hate that word but it’s accurate here), as one of my DC self-harmed in exactly the same way, and was suicidal, and I still have flashbacks to this. I am their “safe” person, and I had to deal with the literally bloody aftermath of the self-harm and also, on one occasion, physically restrain them for several hours in order to stop them killing themselves. (they were trying to hurl themselves out of a window while suffering from temporary psychosis and I managed to stop them). This is one of the reasons why I am seeing the psychologist in the first place.

I also feel imposed-upon. I don’t want to know about her personal stuff. She’s supposed to be neutral.

I also feel (and obviously this is just my own interpretation) that she deliberately drew my attention to the scars by dressing differently and by the way she was moving her hand/arm, and this makes me feel that she was challenging/ taunting me, which makes me feel that my safe space has now been threatened and I feel vulnerable.

I don’t know what to do. Ask her about the scars? - I think this would be rude, but my partner and child both say that this would be fine (but whatever her answer, I feel that the trust would be gone). Ignore and keep going to the sessions? - I’d always be thinking about the scars and what she must be going through and feeling sorry for her and also resentful that she brought them to my attention. Cancel and find someone else? - nightmare, it was hard enough finding this lady ….

Wwyd?

I’m not sure there is a “right” answer here, but thank you for allowing me to brain dump as that in itself has been helpful in clarifying why I’m feeling the way I do.

But if anyone would like to answer “wwyd?” I’d appreciate it!

Change therapist.

Don't ask about the scars. She is there to talk about you, not the other way around.

She's clearly going through something, but it isn't your problem.

If you didn't have any particular feelings about this I'd be suggesting you continue to see her as long as you are finding the sessions helpful. Just because someone isn't managing whatever is going on in their own life in a healthy way doesn't mean they can't be a non-judgemental sounding board and helpful for you.

But you do have feelings, so I think you should find a new therapist as this one is not the right fit for you. Even if it is a pain you should make a change.

I would change therapist. As you say, the point of this is about you and your needs and you no longer feel she can meet them. I know it’s difficult finding someone but it will be better than continuing this.

Yes change therapist.
Disclosure - retired therapist. By no means squeaky clean while I was working but this is shocking and cannot be helpful to you. And it's you that matters in this decision.
Best of luck OP.

She isn't the right person for you to be seeing. I feel like the majority of people who go into this line of work do so due to personal experiences but it doesn't feel appropriate for someone whose issues are so 'live' to be helping you with related issues in your family.

I think you need to change therapist. I think it's really poor that she didn't cover the marks during sessions, for all the reasons you've set out about how it made you feel. Poor boundaries.

I think you should change therapist too. Whatever her situation, the fact is that she has done something which has disturbed your relationship with her and thus she becomes ineffective for you. You need an effective therapist.

I don’t think it’s appropriate for a therapist who will be seeing vulnerable patients. I would change therapists.

I think that is very unprofessional of you therapist.

change therapist. Therapy is so good when you have a therapist you trust

Your therapist!

If they were very obviously old scars then I think it would be fine to ask about them but recent? No. Change therapist.

I would make a report to whichever organisation she belongs to do she can be helped and change therapist.

Gosh, I was expecting to be told very robustly to stop being selfish!

Thank you very much everyone.

If I do decide not to go back, would it be appropriate for me to tell her why (given that she’s clearly in the middle of some heavy shit and I don’t want to upset her or cause her to feel that she needs to harm herself again) or just give a bland “it’s not working out for me” reason?

Change therapist

I’d find it distracting too

You can write her an email, or her and her professional body an email explaining why you think she may want to manage this differently

Definitely change therapists. That’s completely unprofessional. It would be like running an AA meeting reeking of booze.

Change therapist. That's not acceptable. I work in mental health and self harm marks can be very triggering for those that have experienced it.
I wouldn't tell her why, I would just say it's not working out.

I would agree that you should change therapists. For some this would be ok but I absolutely understand for most it wouldn't be.

I think the fact that you are worrying about her and the impact of sessions on her alone is reason to change. Therapy needs to be about you and you won't be able to be freely open with this worry holding you back.

Whether you tell her the truth is up to you but I think you should if you can. She needs to know the impact she might be having on clients if she doesn't already.

If she was deliberately wearing clothes that showed her self harm wounds then she's trying to communicate something but that should be for her own therapy and supervision.

The latter - no need to be specific. If she has any insight at all, she will know why things have changed. Very poor on her part.

I’m not totally clear, are the scars recent? If so it’s hard to know what to do for the best. Either way her issues are not your responsibility.

Id imagine that self harm among helping professionals could be more common than most would think but they have a responsibility for that not to come into their work.

Change therapist, then report to HCPC or BACP (whichever she’s accredited to) for her unprofessional standards.

Change therapists - you are focussing on her issues rather than healing yourself.

as an ex therapist - quite a few are have come to the job because they have had some trauma in their lives. Of course people do relapse but should never show /discuss this with patients.

I agree

I think you can give this feedback politely and sensitively just like you've written it out here

You don’t need to give a reason - just as a therapist has every right to say ‘it’s not working - I can give you the name of a colleague who I think can help you’

Are you absolutely certain that they are recent self harm marks? By highlighting that you have noticed marks there's a chance of rectifying situation if there is any confusion. And then explore your feelings of responsibility, which is a pattern. But if they are self harm, your first priority is to getting yourself support and having a safe space for you.