*trigger warning* My therapist self-harms

[AnnoyingPopUp]

Very difficult situation and I’d appreciate your thoughts. I will write this post very bluntly - not intending to be insensitive, but this is about me, and also I’m autistic so my focus may be different from yours.

I’m seeing a clinical psychologist (paying privately; she’s recommended by someone I trust, and is fully qualified, experienced, regulated, legit etc).

In our most recent session she had very visible, very recent (definitely within the last few weeks due to the amount - or not - of healing) self-harm scars on her hand, wrist and arm. She was wearing shorter sleeves than normal.

I am absolutely not mistaken. They are identical to the scars one of my children has from their own self-harm. She also has old cigarette-burn marks on the backs of her hand which I hadn’t noticed before.

As a fellow human I feel very sad that she is going through something that causes her to harm herself.

I appreciate that this may make her a better psychologist as she’s experienced stuff herself.

But

As a paying client/patient, I do not want to see visible evidence of her own problems when I am paying her to deal with mine.

I do not want the distraction of worrying if she is OK.

And I don’t want the thought that’s currently popping into my head, which is, what if something I’m telling her is triggering her?

I also feel triggered (I hate that word but it’s accurate here), as one of my DC self-harmed in exactly the same way, and was suicidal, and I still have flashbacks to this. I am their “safe” person, and I had to deal with the literally bloody aftermath of the self-harm and also, on one occasion, physically restrain them for several hours in order to stop them killing themselves. (they were trying to hurl themselves out of a window while suffering from temporary psychosis and I managed to stop them). This is one of the reasons why I am seeing the psychologist in the first place.

I also feel imposed-upon. I don’t want to know about her personal stuff. She’s supposed to be neutral.

I also feel (and obviously this is just my own interpretation) that she deliberately drew my attention to the scars by dressing differently and by the way she was moving her hand/arm, and this makes me feel that she was challenging/ taunting me, which makes me feel that my safe space has now been threatened and I feel vulnerable.

I don’t know what to do. Ask her about the scars? - I think this would be rude, but my partner and child both say that this would be fine (but whatever her answer, I feel that the trust would be gone). Ignore and keep going to the sessions? - I’d always be thinking about the scars and what she must be going through and feeling sorry for her and also resentful that she brought them to my attention. Cancel and find someone else? - nightmare, it was hard enough finding this lady ….

Wwyd?

I’m not sure there is a “right” answer here, but thank you for allowing me to brain dump as that in itself has been helpful in clarifying why I’m feeling the way I do.

But if anyone would like to answer “wwyd?” I’d appreciate it!

Depends how invested you are in this therapist and how much you like her.

It can be hard to find a good therapist.

If you're otherwise happy with what she is doing, and you have a good connection, then you could bring it up in a session and see how she responds.

If it's quite a new therapist and you haven't build much of a rapport yet, I would recommend just finding a different therapist.

If they truly are recent self harm marks, then it is not very professional of her to have them on display, and she shouldn't really be practising at all until she is mentally well.

The option you definitely shouldn't choose is your second option, to ignore it and keep going to the sessions.

Your therapy won't be effective if you are hiding this and trying to push through. It will be a complete waste of time.

You have to either speak to her about it, or find a different therapist.

I think you should report her to someone. Not in a nasty way, but she clearly needs some mental health support and maybe she has patients that are triggering memories, causing her to self harm. If she works with patients who self harm then her self harm marks (that are fresh and not from years ago) will trigger them too.

Definitely the right decision to withdraw OP. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve done a fair bit of the training, and having rock solid boundaries is drilled in to you at every step. Many therapists go in to it because of their own past, so relapses are hardly uncommon, but by letting you see fresh scars she’s essentially announcing it, and that is not acceptable, precisely because of the impact you’ve described it having on you.

I’m not going to report her. I don’t have the bandwidth at the moment. Recognising this is a huge step forward for me.

She works in the NHS as well as privately. Her NHS colleagues can refer/support her.

I would feel absolutely furious with the therapist if this happened to me. It is seriously, severely unprofessional and an appalling violation, especially in the light of your traumatic experiences with your self-harming child.

It is hard to see it as anything other than a demand for attention and sympathy from you. Fine for her to experience those needs, but she should be taking them to her supervisor (or whatever institutional/self-regulatory/whatever structure she operates in) not exposing you.

I have self-harmed myself (decades ago) and I understand some of the baggage that it has, which is potentially very demanding on other people. A therapist who can't regulate herself in this respect should not be anywhere near a client.

Is she younger than you? I know I shouldn't speculate, on the basis of such fragmentary knowledge of the situation, but I wonder whether she identifies (to some extent) with your child and finds you warm, understanding, compassionate, so feels drawn into asking for some of that warmth to be directed at her. Perhaps she finds it hard to give weight to your child's suffering without saying "Me too, I'm unhappy too, care for me." She wants you rather than herself to be the healing presence in the room.

@GoodOldEmmaNess That would make sense, although one of my stated purposes in seeking therapy was to learn to let go of other people’s shit and put myself first sometimes without feeling guilty, so it would be ironic….!

That's a fascinating interpretation and I'm glad you brought it up because it just reinforces that OP is doing the right thing by dropping her as a therapist and not seeing her as her responsibility.

Completely up to you if you explain or not.

I ended with a therapist, I had previously mentioned I found her cold, so it wasn't unsaid, but I ended by sort of saying it was time to end, so didn't really explain. Regardless I felt so empowered that I'd identified a need and asserted it, that was the point. So in respect of your situation end how you feel comfortable and what you feel is appropriate. Expressing is good though.