*trigger warning* My therapist self-harms

[AnnoyingPopUp]

Very difficult situation and I’d appreciate your thoughts. I will write this post very bluntly - not intending to be insensitive, but this is about me, and also I’m autistic so my focus may be different from yours.

I’m seeing a clinical psychologist (paying privately; she’s recommended by someone I trust, and is fully qualified, experienced, regulated, legit etc).

In our most recent session she had very visible, very recent (definitely within the last few weeks due to the amount - or not - of healing) self-harm scars on her hand, wrist and arm. She was wearing shorter sleeves than normal.

I am absolutely not mistaken. They are identical to the scars one of my children has from their own self-harm. She also has old cigarette-burn marks on the backs of her hand which I hadn’t noticed before.

As a fellow human I feel very sad that she is going through something that causes her to harm herself.

I appreciate that this may make her a better psychologist as she’s experienced stuff herself.

But

As a paying client/patient, I do not want to see visible evidence of her own problems when I am paying her to deal with mine.

I do not want the distraction of worrying if she is OK.

And I don’t want the thought that’s currently popping into my head, which is, what if something I’m telling her is triggering her?

I also feel triggered (I hate that word but it’s accurate here), as one of my DC self-harmed in exactly the same way, and was suicidal, and I still have flashbacks to this. I am their “safe” person, and I had to deal with the literally bloody aftermath of the self-harm and also, on one occasion, physically restrain them for several hours in order to stop them killing themselves. (they were trying to hurl themselves out of a window while suffering from temporary psychosis and I managed to stop them). This is one of the reasons why I am seeing the psychologist in the first place.

I also feel imposed-upon. I don’t want to know about her personal stuff. She’s supposed to be neutral.

I also feel (and obviously this is just my own interpretation) that she deliberately drew my attention to the scars by dressing differently and by the way she was moving her hand/arm, and this makes me feel that she was challenging/ taunting me, which makes me feel that my safe space has now been threatened and I feel vulnerable.

I don’t know what to do. Ask her about the scars? - I think this would be rude, but my partner and child both say that this would be fine (but whatever her answer, I feel that the trust would be gone). Ignore and keep going to the sessions? - I’d always be thinking about the scars and what she must be going through and feeling sorry for her and also resentful that she brought them to my attention. Cancel and find someone else? - nightmare, it was hard enough finding this lady ….

Wwyd?

I’m not sure there is a “right” answer here, but thank you for allowing me to brain dump as that in itself has been helpful in clarifying why I’m feeling the way I do.

But if anyone would like to answer “wwyd?” I’d appreciate it!

I don't think there's anything wrong per se with a therapist having self harm scars but it also isn't wrong for you to find them to be something that you feel triggered by or it stops you from benefiting from the sessions. I changed therapists because my old therapist's wife was going through IVF, I was struggling with unexplained infertility and his mind was clearly elsewhere (cancelling sessions for scan etc). My psychiatrist does tend to share things about himself too but always in a way that makes sense in a therapeutic way. There have been a few occasions when he's had to cancel sessions because of personal stuff (deaths in the family, a friend in a serious car accident) but it's never really impacted the therapeutic relationship but it would have been fine if it had.

Tell her why. Report to HCPC. If you are correct, she needs support. I would tell her just in case you are wrong and so she is aware of impact on clients and might help her take the time off she needs.

I’m a training therapist after many years of being a Social Worker and I find this shocking. I think you’re right to find a new therapist and if I were you I think I would give feedback if it feels comfortable - could be in writing. She’s practicing privately and it doesn’t sound like she is part of a team with a practice manager and colleagues who would pick up on any unethical practice. In that context client feedback and your own reflections are all you have. I think your feedback is important and she would have a duty to bring that to her clinical supervision.

I would also change therapists.
I would not tell her why unless she pressed me for that information. I'd try to get away with waffly vague shit like not really working for me, want to try something different first.

There is no reason for you to tell her why. You are buying a service; it is as simple as that.

If it's not working for you, then that's fine and tell her that. I think the people saying report her to her regulator are cruel though. Dragging someone through an investigation and all that entails is really unkind. She might be struggling but I've not heard that it's impacted on her practice just that you feel upset by it which is absolutely fine and it's good that you recognise this and therefore are going to find someone who is a better fit. Is there someone who she reports to? Someone must supervise her, as in provide her with supervision

Change therapist.

I had a therapist who started talking to me about his drug use during one session. I felt like I was being his therapist and paying for the privilege.

I emailed him the next day, told him that I would not be coming back and that I felt his disclosure was inappropriate and unprofessional.

Blimey, that's inappropriate. What type of 'therapist' is he?

It’s not unkind to truthfully report poor practice. Stop victim blaming.

You HAVE heard that it’s impacted on her practice. It’s affecting the OP!

A therapist who works with uncovered self-harm scars is showing questionable judgement at best.

I couldn't see if they were recent scars? If they're old I would see it differently. But your instincts on it need to be listened to. You didn't like the way she was behaving and it made you uncomfortable so to me that is more than enough reason to find a new one.

I don't know if it's worth going in to all the reasons or reporting. As selfish as it may sound, it's best you just get out of it without feeling uncomfortable and just get on with finding a new one. I would make something up and move forward.

OP this is your space to heal, to which you are devoting precious resources of time and money. Your needs are paramount here: your therapy simply can't work if you are worrying too much about your therapist's needs to express your own. And no therapist worth their salt would want you to stay in such a relationship. Do whatever feels easiest for you : leave, without discussion, or raise your unease with your therapist and see if she allays it. It is absolutely not your role here to protect her.

From the OP: “In our most recent session she had very visible, very recent (definitely within the last few weeks due to the amount - or not - of healing) self-harm scars”

@jellybeeanie ah thankyou.

Definitely need a new therapist.
Although the lady has my sympathy for the situation she herself is in.

I would email her explaining just as fully as you have here. Therapists are often working without much feedback and should always welcome it when it comes, positive or negative. You're not obliged of course, but it would be respectful to the relationship you have established if you can offer her that. It's possible she shouldn't be in practice right now, but hasn't quite realised it herself yet. Feedback might help her to be more aware. Wish her well if you decide to end.

Person centred, BACP
registered

Change. She can’t help you because of everything you’ve outlined above and more.

Find another therapist. You are distressed by her.behaviour and that's all the reason you need to part company with her.
She is being very unprofessional in drawing attention to her self harmi by wearing short sleeves and publicly flashing scars in front of you. Perhaps.she is going through another crisis and trying to.draw attention to her psychological.distress but she has no business trying to involve you in it. You are the patient not her.therapist. you need someone clear headed and calm to assist you with your difficulties, not.someone who is completely wrapped up in her own difficulties.

I think it’s ok to tell her why in an objective way. This isn’t a value judgement. It’s an alignment question. Therapy is very personal and eg if you were seeking therapy for sexual assault you might require a woman - you aren’t judging any therapists for being men, good for them, but they aren’t the therapist for you. You are seekinng support for, among other things, trauma from dealing with your child’s self harm. Your therapist isn’t the right one to help you through these.

Therapist here. I agree with everyone else that you should change therapists at once. I am agnostic on how you withdraw from the therapy. I think the important thing is that you need to protect yourself and don’t waste any time worrying about her feelings. Your interests as patient are primary. You don’t owe her anything. Its just not a good fit.

Just email her withdrawing from her care. You are not obligated to give her any reason.

Process it with the next therapist if that feels useful. But you went into therapy for your own issues. So try to stay focused on those and find a better thrspist ASAP.

So unprofessional change and never look back.

I'd change therapists, immediately. You've said that she previously wore Lo her sleeves and now the short sleeves, whilst probably (maybe) not linked, have made you uncomfortable to speak because of your own history in your family, and also you no longer feeling comfort being open as you are concerned you could add to her distress. I would t want to work with someone in that situation either. Your therapy should be about you, and it no longer is for you. Would you be comfortable asking for recommendations from them for someone else, or juts find someone yourself?

Fire her and find a new therapist. You're not responsible for her and I find it very disturbing she'd allow you to see the cuts considering what she knows about your DC.

You need a mentally healthy therapist. Not one who is compromised.

I'm so sorry what you're going through with your DC. Be cautious with your child's therapist as well. Sadly, some people who go into the profession seem to have not been healed by it. Not sure if I agree with them being active therapists if they are so unwell.

I'm a therapist and this has really shocked me op. How awful for you to be in that position. Therapy should be a trusting and stable (no shocks and surprises etc) relationship. This is very strange behaviour for a therapist, not because therapists shouldn't have problems, we're human obviously we do at times, but as a therapist she should be aware of the need to at least hide them from her possibly vulnerable clients. It also brings up the question of her current ability to practice in a safe manor. Personally I feel she shouldn't be practicing if she is visibly showing scars, that's the worrying bit for me. It's almost like she wants the support from her clients and that is not what should be played out in a therapeutic relationship. Personally I'd advise you to find someone new you can feel comfortable around again

Change therapist. Not good …

Thank you so much everyone.

I am emailing her today to withdraw. Very neutral email, having thought hard about what to say and decided that her issues just aren’t my business or my problem.

(Her “day job” is running an NHS self-harm clinic so she will have colleagues there who surely must notice & be able to offer support).

Really appreciate everyone’s responses, you’ve all been so helpful.