Please talk to me about depression?

[Bitsyholla]

Hi

I'm trying very hard to understand a loved ones behaviour. We usually have good communication and they are a lovely kind compassionate person but they have periods of shutting me out and completely ignoring me. I completely understand needing time for yourself but what I find hurtful is seeing them go to work, talk to people there, do normal day to day things but isolate someone I know means a lot to them? I know that probably takes up most of their energy, but I find it hard to understand not finding comfort in someone they care about rather than avoiding it?

Any explanations or advice on how to deal with it for myself would be appreciated

Sometimes we can put a mask on to the outside world but our loved ones know us too well. We don't want to drag them into the low moods. We may be embarrassed by the low moods. It must be difficult for you. I suffer with ocd and anxiety so the above is more around those behaviours but just wanted to give my perspective. I think all you can do is offer an ear and try to be positive :)

I'd love to offer an ear... They won't talk at all, to me anyway. I've text a couple of times and they've opened and ignored, it's just upsetting all round

I have a sibling like this. Polar opposite to me. I like to talk about my issues where as they shut themselves out. All I do with my sibling is message or ring every few days until they're ready to talk

That's probably the whole point. They don't want to talk, it's too painful. They are just managing to hold it together to mask in front of people they are not close to.
Disclaimer: for They, read Me.

I'm sorry you experience that x

I don't necessarily mean talk about whatever is wrong, I just mean talk at all, even just mean the odd text here and there but it's radio silence. I don't mean this in a selfish way but my needs for the relationship don't just disappear, I miss them and it makes me very sad. They've been like this nearly 2 months and it's hard when it's not what you are used to

I think that's what makes it worse for me, they don't even want me to do that

@Bitsyholla express this to them...

Hey 'bob' I know you're having a really difficult time atm, I'm not sure how to support you but I miss you and could really do with a chat....

I have in the past and theyre aware still.... I get told supporting them is leaving them alone until they are ready. They are just in shut down mode to me. I don't know if it's because they know how much I love them and feel safe with that but it's not nice on this end

I honestly wouldn't take it personally. They don't think any less of you

I've been doing n this situation.

For me, going to work and engaging in low effort social conversation needed to be done. Also it was low emotional impact.

If someone wanted me to talk about how I was feeling a great emotional depth would open up inside me and I felt like if I talked about it I would just cry and cry and never stop.

A few people did try to get me to talk about it. After an hour or so of me telling them precisely how shit my life was and crying and just letting my emotions out they avoided me like the plague afterwards.

Talking doesn't always make it better.

(I was homeless after dv with a disabled child and was disabled myself).

Thank you for sharing your experience

I don't even want to talk to them about whatever is wrong, I just miss any interaction with them full stop

I know it's not to do with me, but the impact I feel is personal because it's upsetting. For someone who is used to extremely frequent contact, it feels abandoning in its own right. I want them to feel better, but understand that it's not a great way to treat someone you love with zero acknowledgement at all

Isolating yourself is very common when depressed. It’s hard to reach out for help when you need it most.
You could make a specific offer - I’ll be over at 7pm with a cake for a chat, rather than “if you need anything let me know”.
But it’s hard - and can be frustrating. I’ve been terribly depressed at times and you can feel the impatience from others… if you just went out more you’d feel better. I know! But it’s not easy to do when you’re in the middle of it.

No, I have every sympathy for them but it's very hard. If I told them I was coming over or ringing they'd push me away even more as they'd hate that. It's the indefinite part that makes it harder

In that case you just have to be patient

That's definitely the hardest part. Especially when they are carrying on day to day and it hurts that they just don't want to talk to me

I understand that you are hurt that they don't want to talk to you.

One of the major symptoms of depression is not wanting to do anything,

You feeling hurt that they are showing one of the main symptoms of their illness is like being upset that a friend with a broken leg can't come ski-ing with you.

You are allowed to be upset. But you are being unreasonable.

www.7cups.com/qa-depression-3/why-does-depression-get-to-the-point-where-you-want-to-stop-talking-to-others-4748/

I think you have answered your own question op. Them going to work is obligatory so they have no choice. As you say it probably takes almost everything they have atm. It’s very much not personal.

One suggestion would be to meet them for a quick drink after work near their office. Then you meet somewhere neutral, they don’t have to go out of their way, nor do they have to go to the trouble of making their home look respectable for you. ( They may have let standards slip while depressed.). I know when I was depressed I was ashamed of how awful my home looked and the last thing I wanted was friends seeing it in such a bad state.

I'm not being unreasonable as I'm talking about how I feel about it and why I didn't post in aibu lol. I've not said its upsetting me to them, just on here and I'm not upset with them but the situation .

I'm asking more to try and understand how someone can live their day to day life normally but not want to speak, even a line of a text every couple of weeks, to someone they love... Some pp have tried for me, and it's appreciated

Edited - I pressed quote but it seems to have failed

I've tried that too. Hard no. They just don't want to talk at all and it's very frustrating. I started this thread about their health but I guess it's about mine too and how horrible and isolating loving someone who suffers from this and being left in limbo until they decide to speak again. I still have all the time and sympathy in the world for them but it doesn't make it easier feeling so sad

As pp have said, it's probably all your friend can manage to go to work and have to mask all day. That's exhausting. In fact it's amazing that they're able to carry on working tbh. Depression makes communication so difficult. You don't want to speak. You don't want to burden loved ones with your despair. You are empty. You might feel shame and guilt about letting others (friends included) down. Add to that the effort of appearing normal at work and I imagine your friend just wants to rest when they get home.

All their energy may be used up on mandatory stuff like work etc. Sometimes it’s a struggle to get through the day and you just can’t take any more and need to be alone.
Also you may not be a relaxing companion for them at the moment. You’ve said they’re a kind and compassionate person. Do you (or have you in the past) leant on them for support or talk about yourself a lot? It may be they need to focus on themselves now.

As others have said, many people can mask at work etc, but doing it with loved ones either too exhausting or too insincere.

In my personal experience I find I withdraw from any perceived pressure when I am struggling. The more I feel I ought to speak to someone the harder it is.

I think the best you can do is reach out to them but make it clear you don’t expect a reply. A “just to know I am thinking of you” or “I saw this and thought of you”. No questions, no pressure to respond. They may still not respond but it might draw them out.

It’s not personal - sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to speak to when we are depressed.

Your feelings of sadness and rejection are totally understandable OP. There's not much you can do about this other than be patient. Perhaps write your friend a note to say you love them and you are there for them when they are ready.

On the rare times I've been properly depressed, I would withdraw and not want to speak with my friends, when usually they would be my go-to. It's almost like I had nothing to say, couldn't put the whole thing into words and had no motivation to do so, hiding away just seemed easier. I think it's a bit different if they live with you or are your partner, so there's more of an obligation to manage your depression perhaps so as not to detrimentally affect others completely (e.g. by getting treatment, letting them know what's going on). If you don't live with them and your main way of interacting is text and meeting up then it is sad, it is hurtful, but it's not meant against you, it really is all about them.

Agree with @CroccyWoccy about perceived pressure. A friend repeatedly contacting during a depressive episode definitely feels like pressure and increases feelings of shame/guilt/worthlessness/letting people down etc.