Please talk to me about depression?

[Bitsyholla]

Hi

I'm trying very hard to understand a loved ones behaviour. We usually have good communication and they are a lovely kind compassionate person but they have periods of shutting me out and completely ignoring me. I completely understand needing time for yourself but what I find hurtful is seeing them go to work, talk to people there, do normal day to day things but isolate someone I know means a lot to them? I know that probably takes up most of their energy, but I find it hard to understand not finding comfort in someone they care about rather than avoiding it?

Any explanations or advice on how to deal with it for myself would be appreciated

Thank you for your kindness in your response and acknowledgement of nailing exactly how I'm feeling in the last bit. Knowing there's a reason logically doesn't make it easier, you're right... Is it that obvious?

They live with a partner and young children but that contributes to their poor mental health (partner, not children) so no safe support network that's not tied to their main triggers and they wouldn't talk to anyone about how they are feeling family wise

Yeah I get that but it doesn't mean it's not effecting me or very strange behaviour

Thank you

They live with a partner and young children but that contributes to their poor mental health (partner, not children) so no safe support network that's not tied to their main triggers and they wouldn't talk to anyone about how they are feeling family wise

This is really concerning - is she in a domestic abuse situation as you seem to imply here? Obviously I realise you don't want to breach your friend's privacy by posting about her situation on mn, so I'm not asking you give more info.

If it's DA then could her partner be isolating her from her sources of support? If this is the case then no wonder you're worried and trying so hard to offer her support (if you knew she was in a supportive/safe home environment it would be easier for you to step back, although still sad and difficult for you).

Not physical, no, more emotional blackmail to 'do what's best for the family'. It's hard to explain without breaching their privacy, as you say, so I can't say more. It's a situation where they are talked into things that they don't actually want to do and inevitably leads to depression and exhaustion but they don't think it's that bad as there's no violence etc and won't talk about it.

Yes, if I felt they were in a happy safe environment, I'd still be upset but less concerned. They aren't in any danger in the conventional sense

Sounds like emotional abuse/gaslighting/coercive control is happening at some level then. Possibly the partner is the real reason behind your friend's withdrawal rather than her depression, or it could be a combination of those factors. He could be checking her phone, badmouthing you, or haranguing her about giving attention to friends instead of him and the DCs etc etc, and she's possibly giving in to appease him.

You're in a horrible situation, feeling like you're losing your friend and being powerless to help. In your shoes I would keep the line of communication open even if she doesn't respond - which is what you have been doing. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of the situation but it does sound really concerning and it may be worth looking up some advice from a specialist organisation about how best to support someone who may be experiencing DA. It's quite hard to know how to support when she's not communicating though.

I know they aren't in any danger and the situation is partly of their own doing, as I've warned before and they know they aren't happy in the situation they are in and know I'm here for them but whatever change needs to come from them. Which is sad. I don't think it's the level of phone checking or anything like that, but things like them taking a different job with more pressure about a year ago because they were talked into it by their partner as it was more money without considering their health and now they are burnout. That kind of thing

I think the worse part is not even having the ability to exchange one liner texts or regular chit chat. Just silence even though they have read my messages

Yeah, knowing your messages have been read but not even a polite one liner (or one word, or even one letter!) reply is hard to take. You obviously really care about this person and miss them, and to be pushed away like this is hurtful. I'm glad my imagined DA scenarios aren't the case here, but it does make their behaviour hard to understand doesn't it. I don't know if my experiences as a depressed person pushing friends away is even relevant as people experience these things so differently. All I'll say is that I only went completely incommunicado when I was at my absolute lowest. It didn't last all that long, and I later apologised to those who I had pushed away and tried to explain the reasons. Hopefully in your friend's case this will happen too as they start to feel better x

I tried a different tact and asked for their help with something for me. Only a light answering a question type ask as I didn't want it to feel like more pressure but it worked and they replied last night. Only answering my question but still, I'll take that for now. I then asked a general how you doing and that got read and ignored so it seems if I ask anything them related, that's the shutdown