Please talk to me about depression?

[Bitsyholla]

Hi

I'm trying very hard to understand a loved ones behaviour. We usually have good communication and they are a lovely kind compassionate person but they have periods of shutting me out and completely ignoring me. I completely understand needing time for yourself but what I find hurtful is seeing them go to work, talk to people there, do normal day to day things but isolate someone I know means a lot to them? I know that probably takes up most of their energy, but I find it hard to understand not finding comfort in someone they care about rather than avoiding it?

Any explanations or advice on how to deal with it for myself would be appreciated

Are they a friend or a partner?

No, by that I just meant that they would usually check in and we talk a lot so it's not in line with their normal to just disappear with no regard for how that might make a loved one feel so that's how I know something is up

Can you expand a bit more on that bit, the perceived pressure? That's something they have said in the past, about pressure when what they were describing was a very normal interaction

Just that repeated contact from a friend felt like they were making demands of me, wanting me to fulfil their needs when I simply felt incapable of doing so. Then I felt even worse about letting them down.

Were they actually asking anything or you or was it just conversation and that's how it felt to you at the time?

They were only asking for my attention and for me to communicate, not asking me to do anything specific. They were acting normally, and I felt awful that I was the problem, and that my lack of communication might make them feel much as you have described you're feeling wrt your friend. It's a rotten situation for everyone 😩

Just to clarify I'm talking about friends, not loved ones I live with.

I'm really sorry you felt that way but thank you very much for explaining it like that to me as I think that's the bit I don't understand and that really helped . When I'm going through something, I want comfort generally but they react like you've described when I've asked very normal things without 'asking anything from them' so that confused me all the more. We are very close so it's definitely upsetting and I don't want to add to that in any way, I just need to try and acknowledge how it's making me feel too without feeling bad about that either

Pressed send and won't let me edit
Eg we were supposed to go to an event at their suggestion and I reminded them about us having the tickets as its in a few weeks and I get told I'm pressuring them and that was my first clue something wasn't right with them whereas to me I was just saying something very normal

Your feelings are totally understandable. I imagine your friend feels awful about this and may be pushing you away to avoid the horrible feelings of failure/shame/guilt about not being their normal self with you. Idk about other depressives but I suffer terribly with feeling I'm letting others down when depressed, made worse when confronted directly with a loved one's pain or distress at my mental state. Even a friend saying they missed me felt like awful pressure.

Obvs I should add a disclaimer - your friend might not be feeling how I felt!

The fact you're posting here trying to understand how your friend might be feeling says a lot about how good a friend you are

No wonder you were taken aback then! Totally understandable. It's tough on family and friends and quite hard not to take it personally 😩

I really appreciate that, thank you. I have said I missed them which I saw as a positive but from everything you're saying, it's really helpful to hear it from the other person's pov as what you've said seems to relate to what they've said before. It's extremely confusing as I don't think they are as clear as they think they are with regards to communication eg they called me near the beginning of this episode and after that I was texting them normally and then get told I'm not listening to them saying they needed alone time? So it's the walking on eggshells that doesn't help. Them doing something is fine but me doing the same isnt

When they reacted like that I knew I wasn't going to get a logical response so just left it and the tickets will be wasted but yes, it was a clue that they weren't ok

I think you sound like a lovely friend, and are trying to help, it may be that just you have different needs right now and this is a bit of a difficult patch. If they say they want alone time and not to be pressured, I would back off. There is a danger you then neglect them and there's a danger you feel bad about the friendship, but I don't see what else you can do except listen to what they say they need at this moment in time. It is sad though especially if you are usually close.

We are just about managing to hold it together for the outside world and those not close enough to really see what we are going through. We tend to get very exhausted from doing all that of that. We just go home and crash out. We worry you won't understand or our emotions will get the better of us and whatever silk thread is holding everything together will just snap and everything will fall apart. That's me anyway. My smile and cheerful demeanour at work hides so much and I don't the outside world asking questions and thinking all sorts.

I have now, there's nothing else I can do except back off, it's just a rubbish feeling when you are used to lots of contact and want to know what's going on for them but with zero ability to do anything about it

I just wanted to say thank you for responding. It's really helped me today

I really hope your friend feels better soon. In the meantime take good care of yourself and hang in there. What a lovely friend you are

I’m sorry you are feeling so down op.

In that case I would say it’s probably best to stop trying and write a card or text saying “I will stop trying to contact you for now but I am here for you when you feel able” message.

We are all made differently and introverts do not always draw comfort from being with others, even others who love them. They draw comfort and strength from isolating themselves and having no social expectations placed upon them.

Your op is worded like this person shuts you out quite frequently though so I just wanted to add that although they are not doing it to hurt you,
your feelings matter too, and you have the choice to end the relationship or go low contact if it becomes too hurtful.

This applies in particular to romantic relationships where I think it’s reasonable to expect some form of communication or explanation from them.

Of course if they are in denial about their depression and haven’t properly admitted it to themselves then there isn’t much they or you can do until that happens. They may be someone who has a lot of pride who feels extremely embarrassed at what they perceive to be a huge failing in themselves.

Obviously in a committed relationship, it’s reasonable to expect that your other half is doing everything they reasonably can to overcome depression so that the relationship can resume on equal terms.

No they don't do if often, this current time is what I'm referring to as the 5% vs 95%, which is why it's so hard for me

Thank you for your kind post

Thank you, your perspective is probably the most similar to theirs so it was very helpful to read

It was their birthday yesterday so I sent a brief text... Read and ignored, would that have been the wrong thing to do if they felt how you felt? Even a thank you would have been something so I'd know they were ok in context

I would not keep texting into silence, I'd just back off for now They aren't in a place to respond and don't want to.

I think that is very helpfully put.
It's not you, OP. it's them BUT they are ill & cannot help it.
All you can do is send occasional 'thinking of you' & wait for the storm to pass.
I say this as the long term partner of a man who was BiPolar (& refused meds)
The 'storms' could be devastating for us both (although he would get support when it became severe enough which was not available for family & friends)
Look after yourself x

You haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever - the lack of any reply suggests they really are in a bad place atm. Maybe feeling worse because it’s their birthday. I don’t know this person so can only speculate, but I recognise how tough and hurtful this is for you, not to mention worrying. Is the friend living alone? Do they have other sources of support eg family? You are doing all you can, and all I can suggest is to try not to take this personally (difficult I know) and look after your own wellbeing. I’m concerned about the effect these repeated rejections are having on you, it’s not a good feeling even if you rationally understand the reason.