Will this ever get better?

[hk1993x]

Hi all. I am now on day 11 of an increase to 60mg fluoxetine for severe anxiety, panic and OCD. I have 4 beautiful kids, an amazing husband and a good life and I can't stop panicking and having intrusive thoughts. I think depression is starting to kick in as I haven't left the house in 11 days and I don't want to. I just want to curl up into a ball 😔. I can't keep going like this, I am under the crisis team and they have asked me to keep going with the medication (fluoxetine and dizaepam) but after I have a sob, I feel so numb and flat. I can't see a way out of this and I'm thinking everyone is better off without me but then I'm saying I don't want to die I want to be alive and be with my family and happy. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a really hard place and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired 😔

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Must be so incredibly hard. Was there anything in particular that brought this on? Are you seeing a therapist?
I found that talking really helped me feel "normal" and like things will be okay

What's your daily routine like OP? Are you doing things other than medication to try and calm things down? It sounds like your nervous system is stuck in continual heightened state.

I have someone coming out from the team to see me at 11, I feel like I am not even living anymore, I'm just surviving each day barely. The anxiety is just so overwhelming it's plunged me into a pit of depression and despair 😔. Everytime I think about my kids and how much I want to be here to see them everyday and how much I love them it breaks me that much more because they deserve so much more. Both them and my husband shouldn't have to deal with this, it's not fair. I need it to stop 😔 x

Glad to hear the team is coming, and yes, at our lowest it can be living hour to hour, until the meds are right.

It's lovely to hear your children and husband are there, please keep thoughts of them close - it helps pull you through the darkest of times.

I am, but I start sobbing again when I think of them. It's just a constant vicious cycle of anxiety-panic-ocd-depression and I'm scared it's winning now. I am genuinely so tired of trying to win a war with my head and no matter how much I tell my kids I love them or how many hugs they give me. I can't get out of this rut. I'm so stuck and I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to die but I can't live like this for much longer, I'm fighting so hard 😔

That sounds like a horrible cycle to be in, I don't doubt your trying absolutely everything you can to keep afloat.

What do you think could help right now? I can sit with you until the visit if that helps?

I genuinely don't know what is going to help me 😔 I just want put to sleep or something unrealistic. I'm standing at my back door trying to get some fresh air in my face but I am absolutely exhausted. I genuinely feel like I am dying and I can't take it anymore. Its like I'm stuck, I don't want to die but I don't want to live. I wouldn't do anything as I couldn't do it to my husband or my kids but I'm stuck in that place if it makes sense 😔

Could it be you are still levelling on the medication? I found the side effects difficult to manage, but so worth sticking with.

Really, really well done on getting to the back door, and getting that air on your face. Did you see anything out there?

@nogodnomasters I am a uni student and always thrived off my routine, I hated being out of it. I've now took time away from uni and have stayed in the house the last 11 days because of how crippling this is 😔 I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I can't understand why x

Can you go for a run? Whenever I have a bout, I pick up my keys and out the door. Go as fast as I can. Feel so much better afterwards.

Being inside for 11 days isn't going to help.

I am scared to leave incase I take a breakdown in front of people 😔 I just feel like I don't have the physical or mental energy to do anything anymore. I am a shell of who I was x

If I'm totally honest, whenever I've broken down in public, I'm either completely ignored or I've been met with kindness.

Both of which have been better than being inside at the time.

I just feel like my body is present but my head isn't. I want to go out and go back to somewhat normal, I used to drive myself being inside the house for more than 2 days but now it's the total opposite x

Sorry that was meant to read - I used to drive myself crazy if I was stuck in the house for more than 2 days

Keep talking to us. Have you heard of a lady called Bryony Gordon? She’s on Instagram, has a podcast, is a Sunday Times columnist and an author. She suffers OCD, anxiety etc and writes very well about it if you felt up to reading her posts.

How feasible would it be for you to walk up to the top the the street and back again?

Hello @hk1993x , I am sorry you are feeling so anxious and low. I get this too so I really understand. Do know that you are not alone and you will get over this.
Have you tried closing your eyes and taking some long, slow deep breathes? This helps when feeling panicked. Also try to be kind to yourself and instead of fighting the feelings, accept that they are happening. Try to pinpoint where they are occurring in your body while continuing your slow deep breathing. Are the coming from your chest, stomach or maybe throat? Notice them, feel the feelings, continue breathing slowly and then they will calm down and go away.

Your ADs will start working soon but sometimes it can take a few weeks.
Try to go outside and get some sunlight and maybe take a few steps or short walk. This really helps to feel a bit better right away.

Take care.

Thank you for all your messages. I guess I feel like I have given up 😔 I'm just absolutely exhausted with fighting. I want to live, but I can't live like this any longer x

The anti depressants can make us feel lower at first. My anxiety was so bad I could barely walk across the room. After 6 weeks they kicked in. Over two years on them now and I’m like a different person. Just push through. You’ll be ok x

Ah lovely, I have been where you are. If yoj can't go out - out pop out to sit in the garden for a little while if you have one. Starting out on meds sucks balls. Hopefully this is the start of your feeling better journey.

@hk1993x what u have described is EXACTLY where I am now so believe me when I say I know what you’re going through 😢 I was put under the care of the mental health home treatment team on Friday after my partner called the crisis line. I’ve been diagnosed with PND but it manifests as extreme anxiety. I am also on day 10 of a new antidepressant. I have two young children who I just need to get better for but I just feel hopeless and lost at the moment like I’ll never feel ‘normal’ again. I know this won’t help u but I just wanted to say I get it and you are not alone! Keep talking to the crisis team and taking the meds and it will get better, it just has to ❤️

Hi everyone, a lovely nurse called Paul came out and he told me he has a background in psychosocial skills and specialises in anxiety and he has seen people exactly where I am now. He put his phone down and said I will bet my mobile phone that it's the increase of fluoxetine that is causing you to be this unwell. He is hoping it levels out in the next week and he wants me to try not dwell on my mood and try keep my mind busy, even if it is sitting watching a movie with the little ones. My diazapam has been up to 4x a day now until I start seeing some improvement, I'm still sitting in my jammies but had a cup of tea and some biscuits and now I'm going to go for a hot shower and try push myself to go a walk round to the school to pick up the kids.

Argh why is this so hard. I just hope he is right and it's the medication. He told me that hospital wouldn't be the right place for me as its very loud, and busy and they believe I wouldn't progress positively in there.

He is coming back to see me tomorrow and I just need to keep pushing through day by day, hour by hour.

@Whycantgiraffesdance aw hun. I was there 7 years ago when I had my youngest I had severe PND and anxiety. How old is your little ones? It's so hard isn't it? Are you seeing your perinatal mental health team? And are you getting visits from the home treatment team? I'm not religious by any means but I pray for us both to get well very soon to allow us to be the best versions of ourselves and to give ourselves a break 🩷🩷🩷

I have a 5 year old and an 18 month old, luckily the 5 yr old is at school but it’s a constant struggle to manage with the little one, I just feel I can’t cope with looking after them properly 😢 I haven’t done the school run all week as I just can’t face anyone right now. I should be being referred to the perinatal team, the mental health team have been really good though coming out everyday.

thank you @hk1993x I know it will take time and there’s no quick fix but it’s so hard in the meantime!

@Whycantgiraffesdance Aw I remember those days well when you were constantly on the go with a wee one that age! It's a lot of work hun, I hope your getting the much needed rest you need 🩷 I have 4 kids - 13,10, 8, and 7 but the worst of them being this age is that they can see me being upset 😔. What medication did you get started on? I used to be on 60mg fluoxetine and done well but always felt I was medicated then that was it. I didn't get offered any therapy, cbt etc so I'm hoping I do get that this time. Do you have a supportive partner, family etc?

I managed to walk round to the school to collect the kids today, first time being out in 11 days! Little steps xx