I apologise in advance as I know this will be lengthy…3 years ago I was in a marriage of 20 years and had 4 children with him. I loved him so much but he was abusive physically and mentally to me and my children. When I think about it, I felt so guilty for staying when seeing the effects on my children but I stayed because I loved him. Then during covid things got much worse with his obsession towards me and then he got us into £50,000 worth of debt and of course blamed me. This wasn’t the first time he had incurred debt. I then found myself having to go out to work to help pay for this debt leaving my children and my baby of only 1 years at home with him. I worked night shifts and it killed me having to come home and do school runs in the morning. Anyway during this time completely unexpected by me, I would never of imagined this to happen in a hundred years, I met someone and quickly fell in love. For the first year he kept pushing me away and then pulling me back in…in the end I felt like I was going crazy, I couldn’t get this man out of my head and I didn’t know what to do, I really wanted to get him out of my head and get on with my life and concentrate on my babies. I literally felt like I was having a breakdown, I would be on the floor screaming and crying with no sound. Like someone had died. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I decided then and there that I would quit my job and block him everywhere and move on with my life. Fast forward 2 months and he managed to contact me telling me how much he loves me and wants to marry me but he’s Muslim and he wants a Muslim wife…I was so in love and perhaps stupid, I quickly said yes! Then within a blink of an eye, I became Muslim, left my husband, moved an hour away from my home to be with him, took 3 of my children, one was already living with his dad. Then the messiness started when my children’s dad turned up at my sons school after turning up at my home on numerous occasions shouting and hollaring and police having to be involved. He took my son that day. I wanted to take my own life that day but I didn’t…I still had my other son to look after who is disabled and then shortly after I found out I was also pregnant. My husband now has been very supportive but at the same time he’s expecting lots from me, he wants me to cover up, pray 5x a day, I can’t speak to the opposite sex, I have to avoid eye contact. The list kind of goes on. I don’t have the life I used to. My father and all of my family have abandoned me since finding out I am with a Muslim man and they say I should of stayed with my ex despite him being abusive. I have also lost friends along the way. I feel very alone and depressed, I wanted to go to the gp and get some pills but my husband said no and that I don’t need them and that I should trust in god. I have nightmares every night, suffer from insomnia, cry and shout and make scary noises in my sleep almost every night. It’s taken me a long time to realise but I think I’m suffering from some kind of mental illness but I don’t know what. Every night I pray that I just won’t wake up. I think of ways that I can make sure my children are safe before I go off to kill myself. I feel like I have a deep sadness in me. I do miss my ex, we grew up together and I feel like he was my soul mate, we did have a happy life together because we both enjoyed the same things but the abuse got in the way and we drifted apart! And now I do love my husband but I’m not happy in my life now because I am so alone and I’m growing to realise that me and my husband don’t enjoy the same things and we really are different people. But I now have a baby and I really don’t want to destroy another family and leave him on his own. I do love him so I’m just sitting tight and praying for a miracle. Bottom of the line is that I’m not happy, to the point that I don’t know what to do and I just want things to end. And yes I know, I’ve made my bed and I should just lie in it now.