Always saying the wrong thing

[Suchatwat24]

Does this happen to anyone else??

My mouth always seems to run away from me. It's like my brain's screaming no, but I still just say it- almost in a panic. I've always said the wrong thing, or just gone too far. I always have to tell the truth- I have to put it out there, especially if it's an injustice I have noticed.

I think I say the thing that maybe others think but know not to say, but I think it's OK to say.

I'm a really kind, sensitive person and would go a million miles to make someone feels good about themselves, but I find myself in situations where I've got it wrong and upset someone. I then just absolutely hate myself, because who would do that?? Who would say the wrong thing?? I've hurt dh tonight and I feel bad for him and bad for me- cos here we are again. It's like I have no control, like I'm drunk. I don't drink. He's sick of me and I'm sick of me. How do I stop it?

With the dh/dc situation my parents were very old fashioned and we could never discuss periods, sex, bodies etc. I've 100% wanted to be the opposite with my dc and dh hates it. The dc are great though and we have a very open and trusting relationship where they ask me anything. I consider this healthy. Dh thinks I'm a liberal wanker. Not just that, but I talk to them about war, politics, feminism, religion. I think dh feels its all unnecessary and I'm a gobshite.

Does this happen to you with other people or just with DH? It sounds like this is a thing he criticises in you a lot and he punishes you afterwards (“I'm hoping I'm not in for another shit day with dh.”) You revealed personal information to your children and he’s so angry about it - was it information that reflects negatively on him?

@PurpleChrayne to be clear I will go to the ends of the earth to make people feel good about themselves. Its more politics, general world stuff which some people don't like. I would never say anything horrible about anyone.

You revealed personal information to your children and he’s so angry about it - was it information that reflects negatively on him?

It's not negative AT ALL, but it seems that he thinks it is, but it wasn't my information to share. I was sure they knew, but they didn't. But I didn't stop to think.

It's not just dh- people have always looked at me agog, even when I thought I was saying something inane. Sometimes people will laugh at what I'm saying, and I'll just think- well what's funny about that.

This thread is extremely confusing.

This is completely different from what you said earlier which was I accidentally revealed some personal information about dh to the dc and he's so angry at me

It sounds like there is a lot going on, as what you have said about your DH's opinion of you is really not OK - does he actually say these things or are these your assumptions about what he is thinking?

Honestly it sounds like you’ve got a DH problem not a you problem. He thinks you’re a liberal wanker and a gobshite because you discuss feminism with your children? It sounds like you can be a bit socially awkward, but also that he says awful things to you and has been undermining your confidence and making you feel like a terrible person for years.

Its more politics, general world stuff which some people don't like. It is quite normal to keep strong views to oneself or to only share with others who you know have the same views.

I work with someone who likes to bring up controversial topics - I am aware a number of colleagues find them difficult to interact with because they inflame things, it is very draining.

What did you actually 'reveal' to dc?

@LightSwerve never at work.

This thread is extremely confusing.
This is completely different from what you said earlier which wasI accidentally revealed some personal information about dh to the dc and he's so angry at me

But I did.

@Bestyearever2024 How is it that it is impossible to control the words you speak? Do you have an illness?

What kind of “illness” would cause this? I have a cold at the moment but that’s not the cause as it’s been going on as long as I’ve been socially aware.

I have an affliction. I mean, yay for everyone that can control it. I can’t. 🤷‍♀️ I can’t explain it. It’s just how I’m wired. I’ve spent years trying to stop it happening. The incredibly obvious answer is to just not do it. That’s not possible in my case. It’s horrible and it’s stressful and I hate it. And if anyone’s about to say “of course you can stop it” they clearly are not able to understand all people are different.

He's said similar to me.

He does go on at me for saying the wrong things a lot. And I can remember saying the wrong thing a lot when I was younger. Just trying to put it all together and do better. We were out with friends recently and apparently I said something about him which wasn't mine to say.

So only at home, and only your DH is upset with you? Or other people as well?

You might get more help from the thread if you explain a bit more clearly what the issue actually is.

And I can remember saying the wrong thing a lot when I was younger. What sort of things did you say, to whom, and how do you know they were the wrong things to have said?

I feel like I am asking a lot of questions but I am just trying to understand properly.

@LightSwerve sorry I've not had a good night.

Looking back I'm a really open, chatty, friendly person. I've a keen interest in the world and a dark sense of humour. I'm educated and l like debate. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and am black and white in my thinking. I've probably called out a lot of injustice in my past when others would just sit with it. I've been the one to say it. If theres a risqué situation I won't shy away, I'll be the one to tackle it and it might make me unpopular. I have strong beliefs. I have learned to tame all this down in public over the last 15 years. But I struggle to go with the bullshit flow, if its not right I'll have to say something. I'm doing better with this too.

I guess in the home I'm still myself. I debate with my dc but dh is the opposite and thinks I'm loud and unnecessary. What I revealed was 100% wrong and on me. But I just feel its OK to be open and talk about everything. I know it's not OK though, but don't know where to draw the line or I'd just never speak. I always go too far and just keep talking.

What did you actually 'reveal' to dc

I don't want to say, but it was something medical. I thought they knew. It's not a horrible thing or a negative thing. Something that's quite standard- but it wasn't for me to tell them. Just feel its me and my big mouth again. I hate feeling like this.

It sounds like you can stop yourself saying things, but you are not sure if you want to.

Without specific examples of what you have said that has caused an issue, no one can really advise.

It also sounds like you and your DH do not see eye to eye on this, but presumably it was OK when you got together?

Definitely, I still hate whenever my v v v pro indy colleague is in and every word out of their mouth relates to the snp and how wronged they are. They of course think they are great having open political discussions rants.

I don't do this at work. I am a manager and HR. I know that this isn't appropriate. I know the rules of the workplace.

So you don't 'always say the wrong thing' to everyone? It's only to your husband?

In which case it sounds like you are choosing to do it at home, so the opening premise of your thread is not as you expressed it at all!

OK.... so you're right. I dont understand and I'm sorry for that because if I did I might be able to empathise with my staff member at work.

I do understand the everyone is different, but I dont understand why people say unkind or thoughtless things just to empty their mind onto others

As I said upthread..... you dont poo in the office so why excrete your mind there (or anywhere)

Have you spoken to a therapist of some sort about it?

So this isn’t actually an example of you running your mouth and not knowing when to stop talking - you told them because you assumed they already knew. Your husband could have said “Actually I hadn’t told the kids that and I wish you hadn’t mentioned it, I feel like that sort of thing is private.” Instead he reacts with anger, makes you feel like it’s a problem with your personality, and potentially punishes you for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’m getting the total wrong end of the stick here - it’s hard to say with only your perspective and without knowing more details. I would just really urge you to talk to someone who knows you both. It sounds like your kids are teenagers/adults, and that you have a pretty open relationship with them. Could you ask one of them if they ever feel uncomfortable with the things you say or feel like you don’t know when to stop talking?

Thanks for your post.

I'm not being clear as it's got me ruminating on everything and my whole personality. I am very sensitive and do question myself a lot. I just feel I get things 'wrong' a lot. I have watered my personality down a lot. I have lost a lot of confidence and don't really know how to 'be'. Like I mess things up.

Anyway, thanks for the messages. I'll try and tone myself down some more.

No don't water your personality down. You need to be true to yourself. I think you sound like a strong amazing interesting person.

OK so he's embarrassed you told the dc a personal thing, but oh well he'll get over it it's not like you told the postman!

Surely your husband knew your personality before you got married etc he can't just expect you to pipe down now!