Always saying the wrong thing

[Suchatwat24]

Does this happen to anyone else??

My mouth always seems to run away from me. It's like my brain's screaming no, but I still just say it- almost in a panic. I've always said the wrong thing, or just gone too far. I always have to tell the truth- I have to put it out there, especially if it's an injustice I have noticed.

I think I say the thing that maybe others think but know not to say, but I think it's OK to say.

I'm a really kind, sensitive person and would go a million miles to make someone feels good about themselves, but I find myself in situations where I've got it wrong and upset someone. I then just absolutely hate myself, because who would do that?? Who would say the wrong thing?? I've hurt dh tonight and I feel bad for him and bad for me- cos here we are again. It's like I have no control, like I'm drunk. I don't drink. He's sick of me and I'm sick of me. How do I stop it?

Anyone else?

Yes. It's more common than you might think. Try and slow your thoughts down and breath before you say anything.

Does it make me a bad person? Why do I do it? Do I just have a ridiculous and unpleasant personality? Am I just a loud mouth? Dh won't speak to me.

I do this too, worse when I'm anxious. Then I go home and worry about it. My mum and sister are the same. It's awful. I tend to say less when I'm out, and not let my guard down !

I think I need to say less and be guarded. Just never say the thing that's in my head. My mouth just runs away. I need to just stop. I accidentally revealed some personal information about dh to the dc and he's so angry at me.

It might be helpful to spend some time thinking about this in more detail, maybe with a counsellor. It is clearly causing you some distress and so changing it seems like it could really benefit you.

The key question is why do you say the things you do. Once you understand why it will be much easier to put in place strategies to stop it.

You said: I always have to tell the truth- I have to put it out there, especially if it's an injustice I have noticed.
and
I think I say the thing that maybe others think but know not to say, but I think it's OK to say.
and
I've hurt dh tonight and I feel bad for him and bad for me

Either the things you say are OK to say or you are saying things that really you know you should not. You may need help to clarify this because it all depends on how you view other people, 'white lies', your right to express yourself etc. etc.

I felt like this for a long time. Now, I try to listen more. I realised that all the people I really liked as freinds, and respected as co workers or bosses, were those who listened well. It also cuts down on the oportunities to say the wrong thing!

Why are you unable to NOT speak or simply say passive things such as 'I see' 'yes' 'that's sad' 'I understand'

Do you have an illness or is it lack of control?

What do you think?

Argh I can relate! It’s impossible to control in my case. No amount of taking a breath or pausing/thinking before I speak etc. is possible it just comes out and then I regret it. As I can’t control it I very rarely want to socialise/speak. When I do speak to people IRL I try to not say much but somehow still end up doing it! I wish I had advice, but I don’t. Just empathy.

The irony is that I am a very good listener and am very caring and I've realised that all my friendships were probably successful as I was always the sounding board or the dumping ground, and that when I tried to speak about me, nobody wanted to listen! I am very able in this area.

I'm trying to think...its more when I'm animated and chatting and I just don't know how to stop. I just keep going, which can mean I keep revealing. I have a need for everything to be out in the open and discussed. If something is controversial I'll probably just say it. I'm very black and white. Probably just socially inept.

I just hate this familiar feeling of feeling shit about myself, but it is my fault.

I'm really interested in what you say, @FuglySweaty

How is it that it is impossible to control the words you speak? Do you have an illness?

@FuglySweaty solidarity! I've mainly given up drinking due to this.

I'm hoping I'm not in for another shit day with dh. I can't take it back.

Lots of disabilities include this type of thing!

There are skills you can learn to prevent damage.

Sounds more like you can’t keep secrets.

@Bestyearever2024 my dh thinks I'm autistic. I'm not saying I am at all.

It might be anxiety or just social ineptness. It's like not knowing the social codes.

I have a need for everything to be out in the open and discussed. If something is controversial I'll probably just say it. I'm very black and white. Probably just socially inept

So YOUR need is more important than how other people feel?

It could be social ineptness or simply being selfish

I line manage someone who says the most unkind things. It takes my breath away sometimes

He will even blab and gossip to clients

He doesn't have a disclosed illness so for me he is choosing to be unkind

I'm having a meeting with him next week

Yesss!!! This is me. I've learned a big lesson over the last year or so.

I can't help but speak my mind - I'm not nasty, malicious or wish ill will but I do say what I think. I've learned that even if people bring you in, they don't really want to know your thoughts. They just want you to agree with them. Which I will do from now on.

Work - the same. Just agree with everyone.

I have really struggled with keeping my trap shut but I'm pissing people off left right and centre so now just zipping it.

My lesson : smile, nod & keep your mouth shut.

I hear you. But knowing this, you surely just keep quiet?

I have a need for everything to be out in the open and discussed.

This is what could helpfully be investigated, IMO.

Why do you need everything out in the open - what is the belief or feeling underlying this, where has this need come from?

You could be ND, you could have emotional baggage, you could have certain values/beliefs. Once you know why you can decide if you need to change, if you can change, or if you need to work on self-acceptance.

It is no fun just carrying guilt around, it would be better to use the emotional energy to understand yourself and move forwards.

@FedUpMumof10YO yes I have realised this too. The only thing I won't compromise on is sticking up for myself.

It is no fun just carrying guilt around, it would be better to use the emotional energy to understand yourself and move forwards

Yes definitely. Dh is a very closed person, so is always picking me up on going too far and saying too much.

I can't help but speak my mind

But you CAN help it. You don't poo in the middle of the office, so why excrete your mind and thoughts there?

Do you think you are wrong to speak your mind in ways that hurt other people? Or do you think other people are wrong to be less open in their speech?

Because you are now criticising your DH, who is upset with you for breaking a confidence.

Social anxiety

@LightSwerve I don't go round hurting other people- I probably just look and sound like a massive twat. Im actually very shy. The dh situation is different. I am mortified by hurting him and don't want to do it again- hence the navel gazing.

On the other side, I know several people like this, and they've said such hurtful and unnecessary things, I still think about them years later.

Please try to stop!