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Mental health

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Original poster

Help, husband picks his skin

56 replies

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:05

I don't really know where to start with this post. I guess I am just looking for some advice as I feel I have exhausted everything.

For the last few years my husband has been picking his skin to the point where it bleeds. His arms mainly but now I have noticed he has started on his legs. Any little pimples or spot he sees (or imagines) gets picked. He now has lots of scars to the point where he looks like he is self harming. I have tried every approach possible to get him to stop. Supporting him at first, giving him targets such as summer holidays as he has to wear short sleeves. I've bought him creams to help heel the scars etc but he just won't stop. He has also started using my make up to cover it (very badly as we have different skin colours!).

I now get frustrated with him as the kids have now noticed so I threaten him with a doctor appointment or telling his mum (which really angers him). He just brushes it off as a bad habit but it's become a lot more than that in my eyes, it's more like self mutilation.
I am so sad for him as he is a handsome man but it is really noticeable when he wears short sleeves now. I have been in tears over it.

We are a happy family with 2 lovely kids, he has a job he enjoys so I can only put this down to his very obsessive personality (he has also recently started vaping despite never smoking but that's for another post!!)

How do you think I should approach it now?

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Eyesopenwideawake · 05/12/2023 21:06

What was his childhood like?

TR888 · 05/12/2023 21:07

This can be common in neurodiverse people. I wonder if he's got any other traits?

Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:09

He had a happy childhood, although I have always noticed that his parents are vocal if they think he looks a bit unshaven or needs a haircut or has put on some weight.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:13

@TR888 where should I start!
He can't sit still for long, he doesn't sleep well, has bad eating habits and has started vaping (heavily).

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Crabward · 05/12/2023 21:16

Honestly - back off! You've approached the subject multiple times, and threatened him, and it hasnt worked. He isnt a child, stop threatening him with his mum ffs. You mention his mum is focuses on appearances and then threaten him with her, that makes you worse tbh

Eyesopenwideawake · 05/12/2023 21:18

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:09

He had a happy childhood, although I have always noticed that his parents are vocal if they think he looks a bit unshaven or needs a haircut or has put on some weight.

So (possibly) he equates parental approval with physical appearance?

falanka · 05/12/2023 21:19

None of these interventions will help dermotillomania. He needs professional help. It's a difficult to treat condition, but can quiet down with stress resolution.

ToffeeForEveryone · 05/12/2023 21:19

Dermatillomania, it's a type of OCD. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/skin-picking-disorder/

I have this with the skin on my hands and when I'm really stressed I will pick them to the point they bleed and even though it's sore enough that the pain can wake me in the night. He does need to speak to the GP about it really, it's more compulsive than just a bad habit and may be very difficult for him to stop the behaviour.

Worth thinking about what triggered it if it only started a couple of years ago?

Things that help - always keep nails very short, keep skin moisturised, distraction (fidgets or ripping up paper instead).

Skin picking disorder

Read about skin picking disorder, where you cannot stop picking at your skin. There are things you can try to help yourself, but some people may need professional treatment.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/skin-picking-disorder

AMuser · 05/12/2023 21:21

It’s a variant of trichotillomania I think. It’s compulsive and in many ways it’s v hard for him to stop. My former MIL did it do badly on her thumb and fingers her nail became deformed and she was constantly bleeding. She is probably ND also.

I found it immensely hard to be around and it really grossed me out. But I am also hugely intolerant of anything like that inc compulsive nail biting.

I think help is available in the form of CBT but he’d have to want to stop.

Grimmz · 05/12/2023 21:22

It could also be driven by anxiety.

Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:28

@Crabward wow, firstly why are you so aggressive in your reply, people come on here for help, not to be spoken to in that manner.

Secondly, you aren't living this situation, I am. I have tried everything possible for 4 years and am desperate to help him and sometimes when you are at that point you may not make the best decisions, forgive me for being human.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:31

@falanka thank you. It's so hard getting my head round why he can't just stop it. I breaks my heart watching him do that to himself.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:33

@ToffeeForEveryone thank you so much that is so so helpful. I did suggest the doctor a while back but he laughed it off and said 'no way'. I think he is in complete denial as to how bad it's got.
I will attempt to approach the subject again with him. Wish me luck!!

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Gnomegnomegnome · 05/12/2023 21:36

It’s really common with anxiety whether it’s because of being ND, OCD, general anxiety etc.

Would he consider talking to someone?

Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:39

@AMuser that's interesting as I never really thought older people suffered with it really as you assume it's something younger people do.
I will look that up thank you.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:40

@Grimmz I did think that initially but he seems to still do it when things are going really well for him.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 21:47

@Gnomegnomegnome I have suggested that but he is what I would call an old school boy who doesn't believe in anything like that. He just laughs it off.

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NoCloudsAllowed · 05/12/2023 22:00

I'd get some info about dermatillomania, preferably with pics, show him and explain likelihood of scarring, infection at some point, what that can lead to, then lay out something showing therapeutic interventions that can help.

You can't make him face it but you can make him see the problem and demystify it.

Crabward · 05/12/2023 22:03

Maybe you should show your dh the same consideration you're expecting off of strangers on the internet. You've been trying for 4 years, I've been supporting my dh for over a quarter of a century with physical and mental health issues, deep breaths and try grown up communication that isnt centered around how the scars look might be a first step

Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 22:04

@NoCloudsAllowed thank you, I will try this as I think getting him to a doctors is very unlikely right now.
I just need to get him when the kids aren't around and he is in the right mood to be approached about it 😬

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Reallynotoverreacting · 05/12/2023 22:06

I have this problem too, I pick the skin round my fingers, thumbs and my scalp. I pick scabs too.

It's a compulsion and feels almost impossible to stop, I've worse my front teeth away biting at my fingers and chewing the skin.

I feel nothing but shame over it which makes it impossible to talk to the GP

Veryirritating · 05/12/2023 22:19

I pick my scalp. I have bald patches and the floor gets covered in flakes of skin but I still can’t stop.
Please try to understand that it is very difficult to stop OP. It is hard for you I know but also for him.

illbeinthegarden · 05/12/2023 22:20

I do this... have done since my teens and now late 40s! My face has some deep marks where I have picked holes in it unfortunately.
If im stressed ir upset about something or have a row etc I head straight to my mirror to pick. It's not as bad as it used to be and I can't tell you why I do it but I can't stop! It's a complete compulsion to do it and my mum often tells me off if we are sitting chatting cause I'll be touching round the back of my head and ears looking for marks or bumps to pick etc... I don't think anyone else would notice me do that particularly but she knows what I'm doing!

I don't think there is a quick fix here

Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 22:23

@illbeinthegarden

thank you for being so honest. It's good for me to hear from others that are actually going through it as it may help me understand better. Whenever I try and approach the subject he quickly tries to leave the room so I am finding it very hard to help him.

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Original poster

tyson2007 · 05/12/2023 22:26

@Reallynotoverreacting bless you. Please do try and see someone, it doesn't have to be a doctor, maybe a therapist can help? Don't feel ashamed, they are there to help you.

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