Help, husband picks his skin

[tyson2007]

I don't really know where to start with this post. I guess I am just looking for some advice as I feel I have exhausted everything.

For the last few years my husband has been picking his skin to the point where it bleeds. His arms mainly but now I have noticed he has started on his legs. Any little pimples or spot he sees (or imagines) gets picked. He now has lots of scars to the point where he looks like he is self harming. I have tried every approach possible to get him to stop. Supporting him at first, giving him targets such as summer holidays as he has to wear short sleeves. I've bought him creams to help heel the scars etc but he just won't stop. He has also started using my make up to cover it (very badly as we have different skin colours!).

I now get frustrated with him as the kids have now noticed so I threaten him with a doctor appointment or telling his mum (which really angers him). He just brushes it off as a bad habit but it's become a lot more than that in my eyes, it's more like self mutilation.
I am so sad for him as he is a handsome man but it is really noticeable when he wears short sleeves now. I have been in tears over it.

We are a happy family with 2 lovely kids, he has a job he enjoys so I can only put this down to his very obsessive personality (he has also recently started vaping despite never smoking but that's for another post!!)

How do you think I should approach it now?

I think you could acknowledge that you find it difficult to see someone you love in distress and displaying these compulsive behaviours, AND simultaneously back off a bit for both your sakes. You've threatened, cajoled, and badgered him to the point that he leaves the room if you try to broach the subject. You can't fix his "very obsessive" personality. He can seek and accept support as and when he's ready, in the meantime try to open up the lines of communication between you, this is something that needs to be dealt with by him, for his reasons, not yours unfortunately.

My husband does it. Basically just on his fingers/thumbs, but more often than they are picked so much that they bleed. He's done it as long as I've known him (25 years) and also will scratch his legs til they bleed if they are itchy. I've tried to get him to stop, but he just can't/laughs it off.
He'd just say it's a boredom/habit thing. I'm now at the point that i almost don't notice it any more, but the picking does drive me crackers.

I'm in my 50s and a life long skin picker. I remember scratching my shins until they were raw in primary school, picking the hard thick skin off the soles of my feet - that really hurt to walk on the next day - picking my nails and toenails and cuticles around them. Multiple nail infections as a child.

I've mostly stopped picking my fingernails now after wearing gel polish for years as the gel is so thick it's actually hard to pick, but if I let them grow, or don't keep my cuticles soft and pushed back, or I'm stressed I restart another phase. I pick my scalp constantly. I still pick my toenails and cuticles and skin off my feet. I pick with my nails and I use scissors, tweezers, etc. I continue picking through my own pain barrier. Sometimes I can't sleep for the pain where I've picked.

My father picks his cuticles too. He's in his 80s. My mum still nags us both. I look at him, roll my eyes and say, dad, we can't help it can we?

I don't time doing it most of the time. I keep a fidget toy by sofa and in my handbag. I wear tights so I don't reach down and take my socks of while on autopilot.

I have anxiety. This is compulsive behaviour. I'm neurotypical. I'm also compulsive with lists.

I'd love to be able to stop. I can't wear sandals in summer because of how my toenails look.

I've never mentioned to my GP but did recently mention it to a psychotherapist during a mandatory pre-op consultation. I have been able to resist picking surgical wounds, but it wasn't easy, I just knew I absolutely couldn't pick that specific thing so probably picked more elsewhere. I remember a constant urge to pick the surgical wound until it healed.

So I have this. Thankfully my husband doesn't draw attention to it as it would make me feel very ashamed.

It is impossible to stop for me. It's something i do without thinking and to try doing without it is a very stressful thing.

Don't go in with anything about scarring or infection- i would find it mortifying and it would be stressful which would make it worse.

The only thing I think you could do would be to say to him you think he has been suffering with dermatillomania lately and ask if he'd be willing to come with you to talk about some ways to help him manage the condition.

Personally i've not sought any because it is very embarrassing, personal and I can't imagine the treatment working or my life being comfortable to me without the picking. It's an addition, like anything else.

I have this. It's called excoriation disorder/dermatillomania and is considered a form of OCD. I've done it since I was 25 and I'm now nearly 30 and nothing I have done has ever helped to stop. I basically don't wear anything where the top of my arms shoulders or back show. It started with just the tops of my arms and spread to shoulders, anywhere I can reach on my back, breasts, chest, sometimes face. Face I have managed to get under control as I can't hide it, but as long as I'm able to hide the other parts of my body it seems I just can't stop

@Seas164 you are totally right, and I think that's probably what I needed to hear. It is consuming me to the point where I am probably not approaching him in the correct way as it's now making me angry (as I can't understand why he just won't attempt to stop). I try to see every morning if he has been at it again so I guess I am now becoming the obsessive one now 🙈 I need to take a big step back and not bring it up anymore and see where that takes us. After that maybe in the new year I can sit with him and discuss calmly maybe seeing a professional or something.

I pick the skin off my feet so badly it hurts to walk. I pick skin off scars on my legs. I pick skin off my ears and wrists. I don't know how to stop but when I get home from work all I can think about is taking my tights off so I can pick. I'm very anxious always s s this picking helps.

Actually, it started when I was in primary school with my lips. I pick my lips until they bleed every day

I rub my face and can also pick it, I’ll get a mirror and look for milia . It’s know become a habit
i suffer anxiety and do this when I’m stressed

have you thought he may be stressed or suffer anxiety?

@Imaskinpickertoo I really appreciate you sharing your story.
It really hit a chord with me as sometimes I come down in the mornings and can see tweezers, scissors and a torch where he's been picking the night before.
What he doesn't realise is that because I care for him so much it is also affecting me too now. And the children ask questions 'what's wrong with daddy's arms' etc and it breaks my heart.
I will remain hopeful though that he can at least one day he can get a handle on this.

@Cloudisi have you ever sought help? The fact that you didn't do it until you were 25 is hope that you might be able to go back to that?

@Barleysugar86 thank you for sharing your story. I am not sure how I could have ignored it tbh as we have been together over 20 years and he only started this before lockdown. It's only natural I would ask him what it is and why he is doing it. I know if I did that to my arms he would 100% have asked me why I was doing that to myself.
Now however I am aware that it's something he is finding hard to control so thank you for helping me to understand it better.

Are you sure he hasn't just moved where he picks and increased his intensity- I only ask because I have done this since a teenager, but it has gotten worse after kids (maybe the stress of the newborns)... For a long time I'd stick to my scalp (well hidden) and the occasional scab picking.
I think sufferers will often hold the same compusions for life, but can have ebbs and flows in the same way as say depression or other OCD disorders.

Therapist here, I'll try make this brief but hopefully I can explain a bit more about it. It follows an ocd pattern so he'll have the urge to pick and won't be able to tolerate this urge it'll get bigger and bigger and then when he does pick he'll feel a sense of relief and then the cycle starts again so it isn't only at times of stress. It can also become so ingrained he'll do it at times of rest when his mind is simply relaxed and he won't even know he's doing it. The therapist will encourage him to find his at risk times he is more likely to pick eg driving or watching tv and encourage him to do an action that makes the pick harder to break the cycle. The treatment he needs is what we call habit reversal treatment, under the form of cbt. Treatment is hard as it is a habit so takes a lot of time to change but it is possible. It can often be linked to anxiety or trauma as it is a method of stress release but not always. Good luck op

I think you are approaching this in a really unhelpful way OP (albeit inadvertently).

I am not neurodiverse but have done this since puberty and it is a stress response. As soon as I start to feel tense, or anxious, I head to the mirror and start picking. I feel a sense of relief when I do it and the narrative in my head as I am doing it is - loosely - that I am releasing toxins from my system. Obviously I know that’s not factually accurate but on a much deeper level it feels like the right thing to do. It is a comfort - a bit like comfort eating I suppose.

My father used to do what you do; point it out to me, threaten me with the doctors. I don’t think though that he ever went as far as threatening to embarrass me by telling tales!

All that ever did was go to make it a million times worse. I would as soon as I could escape and make a mess of my skin as a direct response to the anxiety and embarrassment he had inflicted on me. My skin was terrible throughout my teenage years because of this and improved when I left home and people were more polite and turned a blind eye.

The only thing that really improves things for me is reducing stress levels and feeling good about myself. My DH is brilliant in that he never comments but (a) registers it as a sign of stress and tries to look out for me; and (b) is reassuring that he finds me attractive and complements me often. In that secure environment I relax.

I feel very strongly that you are doing your DH much more harm than good and driving him towards these behaviours. You are not offering support, but threats and criticism. Using the comfort eating analogy, it’s like criticising a comfort eater for being overweight and drawing attention to something they are deeply ashamed of, then expecting him to respond positively. Please be nicer to him.

Does he want your help? He's an adult, he's allowed to make his own mistakes... you're not responsible for him.

@sarahc336 wow that is super helpful thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I def feel like I am getting a better understanding of this.

@ComfyBoobs I am definitely going to reflect on all this thank you.
I am learning too so although I now have read all your stories and understand better, I do feel being on the other side is also not plain sailing. It can be very hard to get our head round it and unfortunately I admit can also get very frustrated by it. For my husband it seems to purely be a habit. He will do it even if he is in his happiest place.

I always tell him how gorgeous he is and make him feel loved.
I have always approached it as 'help me understand why you do it as it breaks my heart that you are doing that to your beautiful skin'.
I

That is a good start but please please consider not raising it at all. I would be mortified if DH raised it and that would only make it far worse. See if it gets better with you proving silent support and a safe environment.

In terms of the kids, mine have never asked the question. I suspect they are following your lead in that you are probably obvious in your concern about it? So I’d be very dismissive and say that it’s just a thing that happens to Daddy when he’s stressed and there’s nothing to worry about.

@Watchkeys if it's something he has always done then fair enough I would have my head round it by now. But when it starts after 16 years of being together I can't personally stand back and watch him do that to himself on a regular basis to the point where it sometimes looks infected 😔
I would hope he would do the same with me rather than leave me to it.

Elbows,knees,tops of hands yes I do it I have mild autism and it's one of the stress traits for me. I live with it as do my family see it and hubby etc etc.Its also a comfort thing weirdly without thinking about it. Anyway a few years back a frienwell ex friend now went on and on like yourself and for several months I became even worse to the point I was even taking chunks daily out of my head and ears. Once she was out of my life with the almost bullying it stopped being so bad and back to general areas. Yes been to drs and specialists and there is nothing to fix it and yes some times it looks like you really self harm. My legs are covered in years worth of scars. Luckily I'm with someone who loves me as I am and does not go on and on at me thus reducing stress. I think you need to back off tbh

@ComfyBoobs ok, I will ignore it and see how it goes.
I appreciate the advice.

My daughter is 13 and on our summer holiday she caught him applying make up on them and has clocked him picking, he sometimes doesn't realise he is even doing it. I have brushed it off and told her it's just a habit and it'll get better.

Another analogy might be stuttering - much less likely to improve if you make a big deal of it.

@Ladyj84
Sorry to hear that, nobody should make you feel like that.

Please don't forget this is a fairly new thing for us. When you've been together for so long and something starts out of nowhere it's very challenging for the other person to get their head round it.
Quite a few posts have said to just ignore it but like I say if after 16 years together, if I started doing that to myself, he 100% would have brought it up with me and asked me what an earth I was doing.
We don't usually ignore things in our relationship, we face them head on and have it out in the open.
It's only lately (especially reading all your posts) that I am realising this is bigger than both of us.
I am pleased I put this post up, as although a few people have been quite sturn with me, I now walk away with a lot more information and help for me to take forward.

I do this to my fingers constantly especially when stressed.
I've noticed my son does it too.
It's mostly subconscious so not sure how I would stop really.