Am falling to pieces

[EmilyBronte]

Please someone help me. I can't hold it together any more. I am scared. My brother has cancer and my husband has no ability to help me emotionally. Yesterday was my brother's birthday and the family visited him in hospital, was actually a lovely afternoon but when I got home and the kids were in bed I lost it, hurt myself, now am bruised and sore. DH thought I was just 'over-reacting'. Am now feeling desperate, so unhappy, scared I will hurt myself worse next time, scared about my kids and not knowing how I will cope from now on. My children are tiny as well, baby and toddler. Please help me as I can't go on like this.

Please please talk to someone in real life, emilyb.

I dont know if you could, but maybe you could go and see your health visitor or gp and have a chat about how hard you are finding things.

I hope things start to seem less black soon.

I keep thinking I'll ring my health visitor tomorrow. Or my GP, but I feel so awkward speaking to her, like the hv much better. I honestly and truthfully feel like I can't do it any more, I can't keep it all together. If I say this to my husband he'll not take me seriously, I know it. Either that or he'll make all kinds of assumptions about my ability to be a good mother. And one thing I KNOW is that I am a bloody good mother.

Im sure you are a very good mother, and I really hope you do speak to your health visitor tomorrow. Im sure she will know how best to help you cope, so you can be the best mother possible to your dc and happier in yourself, for yourself. You do matter and Im sad you hurt yourself.

Please take care,

Im leaving mumsnet, but wanted to wish you all the best of luck.

Of course you are a good mother. But you are struggling. And that's ok. You just need some help. You have an awful lot to cope with - 2 young children is hard enough but with everything else, it's no wonder things are getting on top of you.

Please don't try to cope alone. Your DH won't understand this if he hasn't felt this way but there are people who can.

You don't have to carry on like this. It may not be easy but please let someone else help you - call your HV or your GP and tell them how urgent this is.

We have emailed before but I had namechanged. I was thinking about you the other day so am sad to see this.

Please look after yourself.

x

As someone who self harms when things get out of my control I really feel for you and please do as you say talk to your GP and/or HV. Your HV in particular should be able to offer you support.

UnderRated are you who I think you are? I think of you often too. How are you?

I feel so desperately unhappy, so unable to carry on. I didn't self harm exactly, more banged my hand hard on the arm of the sofa so it's now got a big bruise, and scratched the top of my forehead. It scares me that I've done this. My mum did something similar in front of us when I was little and it's stayed with me since. I am terrified that I will end up the same way.

On the face of it all I am calm and contented, happy with my life and in control of everything. Inside and behind closed doors I am a complete wreck. I am not ok. I am beginning to think that I don't deserve my incredible children.

Em you are just going through a tough period and need some support and a positive way to express how you feel. I always come across as cool, controlled, happy and level headed too but I know at times it is purely a mask I put on in public and it fools many many people. There are some times you just need to let all out though and have a dam good scream. Certainly does not make you a bad Mum or undeserving or your beautiful children.

I feel like a nothing. Couldn't see the HV today cos she wasn't in (there's only one round here that I rate). Keep looking around at everything I was - musical, creative, active with sport, sociable, interested in clothes, endlessly reading etc. etc - and all I do now is wash up, hang out washing, put away washing and wipe noses. Am dull, am unhappy and know that my marriage is too. Honestly can't see any end to all of this that has any optimism.

Sorry, that sounds really pathetic and self-pitying.

I know you feel like a nothing but it doesn't mean you are nothing

Sometimes it can feel like your on a treadmill - just going through the motions of life because thats what you do. It feels dull ad it can be hard to see the positive side of it. But look at your children. It is worth it for them. And, when this awfulness passes, things will seem a little brighter and the drudgery will seem less of a problem. When you are feeling more like your old self, you will be interested in those things again. Having 2 young children will make it almost impossible to do the things you used to do. DO you get any time for yourself? I mean an evening when you can go out and read in a coffee shop, or flick through a magazine. Could you go out and get your hair done. I know it's not much but it might make you feel a little better just for an hour or so.

I emailed you last night.

x

Isn't that the paradox of motherhood - that we are 'everythings' and 'nothings' all at the same time? I often rant at my 3: "I use to be a person, my name is ***!!!"
the trick is not to take it all so seriously and be kind to yourself.

I have had a bugger of a day, I know the signs and as soon as my dh got in I ran myself a bath to allow some time for myself to slow down and breathe. The more I slow down, the more able I am to see what is really happening - that I'm knackered, that I'm overworked, overwhelmed, underappeciated etc. I have realised no one is going to do this for me. I have to make some boundaries for me, after a certain time in the day I have nothing left to give - I want to wear a 'closed' sign around my front! I ask dh if he will take over. That way I can try and look after myself emotionally and he gets to spend a bit of quality time with the children

Sounds like you you could do with stopping for a while too. You have lots to think about at the moment, especially with your brother - were you trying to tell your dh how much you were hurting? It sounds like you are busy looking after everyone else and that you were not being heard so you had to show him instead? I may got shot down for this but I've found most men are not good at emotions.

You said: "banged my hand hard on the arm of the sofa so it's now got a big bruise, and scratched the top of my forehead. It scares me that I've done this. My mum did something similar in front of us when I was little and it's stayed with me since. I am terrified that I will end up the same way."

I understand you are terrified, these are the coping mechanisms that have been passed down from one generation to another - you have learnt this from your mum. What you need to do is find another way. Have you though of meditation? If interested I can post a method that may help, its called the 'tranquilizing breath'.

Does your local pool have a creche where you could drop your little ones at for a few hours, then go for a swim and read a good book? What kind of books do you like?

Please know that you are not alone - if you look closely most of us are struggling, it's just that some of us hide it better than others!

some of us hide it better than others!

Ain't that just the truth. Not always sure putting on that mask of coping is always good for us mind

The Tranquilising Breath.................

1.try for 20 mins am and pm to find a quiet space and sit/lie down and just let yourself get comfortable and 'come down' from the days events for the first couple of mins

2.then slowly focus on the warm air entering the tip of your nostrils, feeling it slowly go down the back of your throat (letting your jaw relax, drop and go soft) suffusing into your lungs and down permeating into your belly, (letting your belly go soft) feel the breath reaching all parts of your body, your arms, the tips of your fingers, your legs, even your eyelashes etc.

1. if your mind wanders back to thoughts then watch the thoughts pass through and gently return to the breath.

Try for 5 breaths. if you continue to get the feelings of anxiety you could try chanting the sound 'Ham' (yes weird I know) it may help open the throat.

another technique is related to mindfulness in everyday life, just trying to be present and watchful of your thoughts, feelings, sensations during the breathing.

Focusing on the warm air entering the tip of your nose and just letting yourself feel, hear and see what is going on in your mind and body. this time the breath is the background rather than the object, after a while you may feel strange as your mind processes the day or memories and there may be constant chatter just watch it and allow it to come and go, it may proliferate and turn to sensation (for example you might start thinking of how someone was treating you that day and if it caused a stressful reaction, your mind may relive the sensation - tightness in the throat, chest, heart racing etc. this time as you are watching those thoughts, note the feelings as they come up.

Instead of thinking and therefore feeling 'i am angry' note 'anger' as the feeling of tightness starts to grip the throat or chest, observe the feeling 'tightness' really listen gently to your body and the tone of the feeling - is the tightness heavy? is there heat or a coolness to the sensations etc. you will hopefully begin to distance yourself from your emotions and feelings so by taking the 'i' away, you take away the ownership of the feeling (the feeling owning you) and therefore its power. each time a thought or feeling comes up just watch, observe and let yourself return to the breath.

its trying to help you not take everything so personally. i've found when i get the flash points especially when i'm trying to get all of my children to bed when they are overtired instead of becoming a screaming banshee, I start to reign in the feelings when they come up, even smiling at them like old familiar friends - here comes irritation, here is impatience, here is anger and it just slows everything down and has made me realise (most of the time) that its not them making me annoyed - i'm making myself annoyed, i've made myself feel like that.
There is a lovely passage that I found in one of my meditation books:

'The thought manifests as the word
the word manifests as the deed
the deed develops into habit
and habit hardens into character
so watch the thought and its ways with care
and let it spring from love
born out of concern for all beings"
(buddha)

Are you running your bath yet?

And pretending to be ok is exhausting.

I think the good thing, if there is one, is that you are very aware of how this could affect your children and you want to protect them. That speaks volumes.

Kaz1967 - yep why is there all this ridiculous pretending? Who is it serving? Though if I managed to get 2 weeks of uninterrupted sleep I could be the very essence of motherhood perfected

UnderRated - exhausting is the word. I can remember my dc3 really wailing one time when I took him to see a cranial osteopath. I instantly tried to stop him (I always do), but he wouldn't stop, and I couldn't stop apologising, making excuses etc. Anyway the osteopath said to me 'don't you let him cry?' 'No' I replied thinking what a bazaar question. He then went on to explain how good and healthy it is for the body to surrender - to let all these emotions out. He also had to explain that is what tears are for.

Hello all. Here I go with the early morning waking again. Thank you for all your gentle and concerned words. Barking thank you SO much for the meditation techniques - will really make an effort to try. Just made a list of all that was going through my mind as I woke up:

• brother lying in hospital bed
• state of my relationship (v not good)
• my DD turning into a very bolshie toddler, and partly because DH is being very lax over certain things - need to sort that out!
• the need to move house and fretting over that whole process
• my sore head Just one of those things would be enough to keep me up, let alone all of them!

I put on a 'coping' mask all the time and must convey some kind of superwoman persona to people, and the thing is, I did used to be her! But now I do feel like everything is spiralling out of my control and it's easier to just go with that rather than fight it. I haven't got the energy to fight it.

Did decide last night to book myself a haircut and some time off to buy new clothes though, perhaps book a massage and find a yoga class. I need time off and I need to be kind to myself. DH can't understand that kind of thinking but I guess one just does it without worrying what they think!

PS - Underrated I haven't got a message from you in my inbox...

This is how we first 'met', Emily - with your early mornings.

You don't have to fight everything, you don't have to be superwoman for now. I am sure you will be her again but you have so much happening, you should have some help.

I think Men (some men, not all) generally don't understand what it is like to be a mother. And to do that with the horrible things that happen in life. Do go and get your haircut and go shopping. ENJOY yourself. I'm so glad you are thinking of doing some nice things

I sent a msg to your hotmail. I'll try again. Hope you get some sleep soon.

x

Am going back to bed now. I know UR - there's definitely a pattern. Every few months I find myself waking at this time for a few nights. It's horrible, but perhaps I'm starting to recognise something's going on which means I can do something about it?

I need help so much. Am just scared of people thinking I'm not a good mother because that much I do know.

Recognizing the pattern is an important step. Being able to act and stop things progressing is much harder. I know, from experience.

Look after yourself.

Good on you Emily bit of pampering sounds in order to me

How are you today, EB?

Hi there

Just a quick one as making dinner. Feeling a bit better today but still very low. My head hurts, feel really really sad that I've done that to myself, kept looking at my little boy and feeling so sad that he has a mother like that.

Got your email UR and will reply when I can sit down and concentrate properly!

Hi EmilyBronte

You said: "Am just scared of people thinking I'm not a good mother because that much I do know."

Big question but what do you mean by 'good'?

I'm sorry your head hurts and that you feel so sad. It's not a nice feeling.

Your little boy has a mother who is sad at the moment, that's all. What is important is that he has a mother. A good one at that. Keep looking at him and remind yourself why you deserve some help. Don't be too hard on yourself.

No rush for an email, just know I am thinking of you.