Am falling to pieces

[EmilyBronte]

Please someone help me. I can't hold it together any more. I am scared. My brother has cancer and my husband has no ability to help me emotionally. Yesterday was my brother's birthday and the family visited him in hospital, was actually a lovely afternoon but when I got home and the kids were in bed I lost it, hurt myself, now am bruised and sore. DH thought I was just 'over-reacting'. Am now feeling desperate, so unhappy, scared I will hurt myself worse next time, scared about my kids and not knowing how I will cope from now on. My children are tiny as well, baby and toddler. Please help me as I can't go on like this.

I really like what Barking said about mothers being everything and nothing all at once. No wonder it's confusing!

Lots of love to you, EmilyBronte. You're getting good advice here. Have you approached your local branch of MIND? They would be able to advise you what help is available in your area if you're not keen on going through the NHS.

parentline is good for lovely women to talk to, as well.
they are always there, at the end of the phone.
I found their no. from the website. xxxxxxxxx to you EB.you sound like a lovely sensitive woman

Hi all and thank you so much for your kind messages. Feeling very rough indeed today, not helped by big row with DH last night and up during night as predicted. I rang the GP today but the only two at the practice that I like are both out all week. Am hoping HV will get in touch today.

What do I mean by a 'good' mother? Well, I'm scared that if I admit to harming myself and losing the plot people will judge me and assume that I might do the same with my kids, which I never EVER would. My feelings about my children have never been affected by how I'm feeling.

You're right though UR, my little boy does have a mummy who's sad right now. But he doesn't deserve that. He's amazing, he's the smiliest little soul, and he deserves a mummy who's the same. As does my beautiful, wonderful DD. I am so unhappy right now - even your lovely messages are making me cry

PS thank you for suggestions of who to call. I might just try Parentline.

Hi EmilyBronte

Sadness is part of life, which is really annoying but true! Please don't worrly that your children deserve better, they should be allowed to see sadness aswell as the laughter. Its what makes us human - we are not machines, we are not born perfect - otherwise what would be the point of us being here? When I began to understand that, a lot of the pressure that goes with expectation and anticipation fell away.

Which brings me to the meaning of life......I often wonder sometimes what on earth am I suppose to be doing, how do I become a 'good' mother etc? Someone said to me last year that the meaning of life is just that - its the meaning you give to your life.

Having children can be our biggest motivator for trying to find that meaning, asking questions about our own childhood and trying to find other ways and tools so we can act positively when the next difficult situation arises rather than 'react'.

Are you able to ask someone to look after your little ones so you can catch your breath and some sleep over the next few days?

Is there anyone else you can talk to at the Dr's surgery or if not could you afford a private counsellor? If private was an option you may be able to speak to someone today.

Barking x

With regard to you self-harming, I have just found an article in the Timesonline which I remember reading a while ago:

He added: ?To our surprise, we found that areas of the brain associated with unpleasant or aversive emotions and memories became significantly less active during the scratching.

Your fear of self-harming and admitting it to someone isn't as bad and as rare as people think. It is your coping mechanism at the moment. You are doing your best with the tools you have to hand. The act of admitting to it will hopefully be a healthy decision, as it will give you the opportunity to confront why you feel the need to do it and explore other ways of reacting to your feelings and thoughts.

If one think about it, self-harming covers such a myriad of behaviours, from cutting and scratching to over-eating and excessive drinking. Its just that some are more acceptable in our society than others.

Are you able to call your HV?

EB, your DS is the way he is because of you. Your children are amazing because of what you do for them, how you behave around them and how you treat them and, of course, because you made them. They deserve a happy mummy as much as you deserve to be happy. Try not to fret about being sad around them and remind yourself of all the good things you have done.

When I have a relatively good day, I remind myself over and over again that the bad days are just a phase and will pass - I may have thoughts or urges to do destructive things but I don't have to act on them. It is easy to remind myself of that on a good day but soooo much harder when I am struggling and all seems lost and pointless.

Saw my HV today and she was just lovely. Helped me to put things in perspective a bit and feel more together. As I talked to her I realised that I spend my time charging around feeling that I should be doing stuff with my DCs all the time, and actually I don't! I've been setting myself such high standards on their behalf so am dropping one of the groups we go to and feel relieved. It was always such a stress getting out of the house by 9.30 with them both. As she said, I can stay in my dressing gown until midday if I like, which I might just do!

Spent the day feeling pretty bleak and exhausted and am going to head off to bed. Barking what you say is so true. My problem is that my DH seems to expect perfection, and never leaves me room to slip up. I feel judged by him on top of everything else, which is kind of ironic cos he is way off perfection himself!

Emily so glad you spoke to HV today hope it helps you to chill out a bit and not drive your self mad trying for perfection. I am sure things will be better after a good nights sleep. Talking about how you feel is totally exhausting.

Hi EmilyBronte - good to hear you managed to talk to your HV, she sounds lovely. Of course you can stay in your dressing gown all day. Infact yesterday I drove my dc's to school in my pj's, as I just couldn't do it all in the time we had.

I had another thread going over the last couple of weeks about my house drama, it all came to a head on monday with buyers dropping out and our mortgage company being arkward. Anyway I recognised I was exhausted and asked my mum for help, luckily she took my youngest for the night which meant after the school run today, I got back into my pj's, lolloped about all day and watched spooks on dvd and ate all the children's chocolate. This was my first day on my own for 3 years.Bliss!

Nobody gave me permission, since having children I've realised you have to grab your quiet moments while you can or create them. My dh and I use to get into this awful competitive thing where we would argue over who had the most/less sleep. We would then argue like crazy and allot the other who had had the most sleep more duties. Dh thought this most unfair as he went and did 'proper' work during the day - hence my feelings on being a 'nothing' and an 'everything' all at once. The work we do is truly invisible.

I still have to beg for an hour at the weekends as my dh says he wants a rest too. I have become so pedantic that I believe he gets rest during his breaktimes and on the bus journey and so it goes on......It is so hard to bring up a family and be a family in this day an age.

If your dh is a bit of a perfectionist, I suggest you lollop as much as possible, then get dressed at the last possible moment together with mop in one hand, washing in the other and 'fake it' - they don't need to know how hard it is because their understanding of 'being at home all day' is completely different to the reality of it. Be kind to yourself, since having 3, I have considerably lowered my expectations, not trying to fit too many things into the day, maybe going out in the mornings, then leaving the afternoon for winding down and catching up on housework, the tea etc

Hope you have a peaceful evening x
.

EB - I don't know if this would help but do your dc's still have naps? The reason I ask was I was talking to this lovely mum the other day who was from France. We were both complaining that our 4 year olds were really tired since starting school, and she explained that in France they always nap, even in primary school they would be told to lie down on the mattresses on the floor and go to sleep for an hour.

If they didn't sleep they had to lie there and just be still. I noticed both she and her 2 daughters had such composure and that lovely calm quality that somewhat evades me. She also talked about how the british society is following America in this 'doing' frenzy and reckons that adhd is a sign of the next generation just not being allowed to have any quiet time - they don't know how to.

So you could always use this angle with your dh and join your little ones in a siesta.......

Oh Emily, I'm so glad you talked to your HV today. She sounds wonderful. I think sometimes just saying things out loud can make one feel a little better and it sounds like hearing her perspective was helpful. Goodness, getting just DS out of the house by 9:30 can be quite a challenge for me and i don't have a baby to sort out too. Maybe some time at home, just the 3 of you will help.

It can be easy to get caught up in the 'doing stuff' mentality. I often feel like DS and I need to get out and do something but when we stay home together, it's usually a lot of fun. And, although we have some commitments, I have learnt to go out as an when we want and not put pressure on myself to do X at a certain time - this afternoon, DS went on his trike and we walked to the shop. It took 2 1/2 hours to do what would usually take me less than 1, but the point of it was for DS to have fun and ride his bike while I got some fresh air. No pressure. And we managed to buy bananas too, so that was a bonus .

That reminds me - are you eating properly? I know that sounds patronising but I am always surprised what a difference that can make to my mood. Someone (on here) told me that bananas can help with depression so we get through quite a lot!

It must be tricky with a DH who has unreasonably high expectations. I think sometimes, they just don't get it and, as you say, they may be far from perfect themselves.

Thread about food if you are interested

Well I was in bed by 8pm last night and slept through (yippee) until DS woke at 5.45. We didn't go to our group this morning which was lovely. I realised how frantic I always am on Thursday mornings and today my head was calm. DD threw cotton wool balls all over the floor while I was feeding DS and it didn't matter! We just picked them up together later.

HV also asked me about food and I have made a concerted effort to eat well today - when she asked I realised I'd not been eating well at all, and that my milk supply wasn't feeling too good either. Hence DS hasn't put much weight on in past month.

So this morning has been much more relaxing and both of them are asleep at the moment which is just lovely. DD still naps for about 2 hours in the afternoon Barking, and although DS only has little naps through the day I hope he'll do the same eventually. The French are brilliant - they've got eating sussed as well, having a two-hour lunch break even in nurseries and eating really good food, even the little ones.

Am still full of anxiety but much calmer than past few days. Have 'book massage' on my list for today!

Em it takes time and practice to feel more relaxed but it sounds like today was a really good start I am happy for you.

YAY! It's lovely to hear you had a good day at last.

Did you book your massage?

EB, I've read this thread with interest and been really touched by the support you've received. I'm so glad that the advice you've been given is helping you.

From my perspective, I think lack of support from the person we imagine we'd be closest too (our dh/dp) makes things a whole lot worse and very isolating.

I struggled to bf and sat like a zombie everyday for the first 3 weeks of my dd's life. I really needed support from my dh - and for him just to listen and hold me when I was feeling so low - but he seemed to keep away from me. I don't think he knew what to say. I've never forgotten how let down I felt. That said, he has lots of other strengths and I guess noone is perfect.

I don't think you've mentioned whether you have any female friends who you could share your feelings with ??

Like all the others, I am thinking of you and wishing you well. Life won't always be like this xx

DH is very practically supportive, and I can't complain about his devotion to our children. But emotionally - impossible. Isolating is the right word Looby, at times I have felt incredibly alone in all of this. He finds anything that involves getting emotionally close almost embarassing it seems.

Have told myself all day that things will get better, or at least, that I am learning to cope with the times that they won't be. I am really bad at sharing my feelings with friends because I don't want to be seen as failing, or as no good. I envy other people their marriages.

All that said, the kids have been lovely today. Re. female friends, I do have a couple I can talk to, it's just finding a quiet time. That's why I come on here, the support is overwhelming me!

Wishing you another full night's sleep!

Then, please send the vibes my way

Hi all

Been a bit crazy at this end but wanted to say hi. UR I hope you're sleeping! I'm not, partly thanks to DS deciding that he wants to party in his cot every night for the past 4 - not conducive to my mood during the day! But HV came today and she's given me some coping strategies and ways forward, and is going to visit every two weeks for a bit which I really appreciate. So much getting me down but talking to her helped me see that there's also things to look forward to - she suggested little things, like the first cup of coffee in the morning, or the peace when DS goes down for a nap. Hadn't thought of it that way before.

My marriage makes me feel sad but I haven't got the strength or energy to get help for that right now. I just need to make sure I get through, then concentrate on the 'us' side.

Glad to see you back, EB.

I have not been sleeping as well as I would like but am surviving. At least my DS isn't having parties in his cot! Hope that settles down soon - lack of sleep is the pits.

HV sounds like a wise woman. Much as I love DS, I cherish that peace and quiet when he naps and when he goes to bed. Those first 10 minutes, when all is suddenly calm and peaceful are lovely.

I think you are right to focus on yourself now and your marriage when you are feeling a bit better. There'll never be the perfect time to address the issues you have but it does sound like you need to concentrate yourself for now.

Hi EmilyBronte
Dc1 wouldn't sleep last night and wanted to be in our bed and he wiggled all night, then dc3 woke up at 4 and wanted breakfast, so I have been a tad hellishly grumpy all day, hence I am now typing this in bed as dh has come home.

I can remember spending a hundred quid on a 'special baby hammock' that dc3 squawked and squawked at as soon as I tried to put him in - he never did take to it and ended up in our bed for 14 months. Try and sleep when little one sleeps

Wishing everyone a peaceful night

Isn't lack of sleep the worst thing in the world? Pure torture. Barking your 'special baby hammock' story made me laugh. I was talking with some friends the other day about the ridiculous equipment you buy that you barely use. Am jealous that you are typing in bed though!

HV said something that really made me think. She said that as I left last week, and DS was dozing off to sleep I said to him 'let's go and see the ducks'. She thought I should be saying 'right, you go to sleep and mummy's going to have a cup of coffee'. She said that I obviously put my children before anything, which is wonderful, but that it meant I placed myself nowhere. Am really going to internalise that and work on it! Also tried the tranquilising breath today .

Sleep well all.

Oh I forgot. I couldn't tell the HV about the self-harming and thoughts of suicide. I just couldn't. I want to, because I want her to realise just how seriously bad I feel. But I'm scared of doing it. Can anyone help me out here? How to tell her? Why I'm scared?

Hi again - another useless gadget I bought from the evil mothercare was a 'vibrating baby chair'. That was for dc1, so by the time I had dc3 I should really have really known better - but when you have no sleep you will try ANYTHING Oh the madness!

Good to hear you trying the tranquilising breath. The buddhist teacher said that during the day, when you are rushing, driving, cooking, etc. just to try and reach 3 really slow mindful breaths, just feeling the warm air coming in at the tip of nose. Just really focussing slowly and gently for those 3 breaths...

Well it's a bloomin miracle if I can focus and slow down and be mindful for 1 breath without being distracted and forgetting what I am doing!! But really interesting to see how caught up I get and how hard it is to reach 3 mindful breaths.

Do you think you have to tell someone? and if so - maybe the reason you held back with hv is maybe she isn't the one you want to tell?