Suddenly not ok and wish I wasn’t here any longer, how how how can I fix this

[loswmy]

I don’t know what’s happened but I have fallen into a mental hole in the last two days. My son was one last weekend and I have done literally everything for him after my ex who convinced me to keep our baby, told me six months in that actually he wouldn’t be a good dad and he wasn’t ready (he was 36). He didn’t attend the birth, didn’t actually contact me at all until I asked for some financial support a couple of months later.

I was coping fine. I would even go as far as to say I was happy. Zero family support (sort of people who are great company if you’re ok but can’t cope with you not being ok, so I always put on a brave face). But the last year had been pretty ok, no major down days etc. As soon as ds turned one last weekend I’ve been feeling fucking awful. Everything feels black. I think in some ways I was wanting to ‘make it’ to one, ready for me to go back to work and he be in nursery, and rather than embracing it and celebrating how far we’ve come alone, I just feel like I suddenly can’t cope.

ds went to nursery last week, I cried. He’s since picked up a bug, so last night I was clearing up sick at 1am. Today he’s had awful nappies which have destroyed a couple of babygrows and I’ve had to bath him three times, he was covered. The washing machine hasn’t been off. I’m covered in fucking shit, my clothes too. I’m tired. I received the nursery bill two days ago and I will owe 890 for November. I knew this was coming but it seems ex has lost his previously decent job as I’m now receiving only 390 a month. I’ve contacted him to ask if he would pay a bit more towards nursery and he never replied.

My house is a state. I can’t emphasise this enough. It’s terrible. I can’t invite anyone round it’s so bad. The sofa had a seat missing, always has done but I’m suddenly really depressed about it. Carpets are filthy from a year of me just managing alone and accidentally dropping milk or nappies along the way.

My son is wonderful. I am struggling to cope with how energetic he’s becoming and I don’t know how I am going to manage this.

For the last week I’ve been having nightmares about my ex that has never happened before. I keep wondering what sort of monster can let his son’s first birthday pass and not acknowledge it. No idea why I’m suddenly thinking about this now, I managed to ignore it for over a year.

My brother recently got married and every time I see him and my sister in law I just think fucking hell my life is absolutely shocking in comparison. I have 10k debt, easily serviceable but what the fuck have I got myself into… I’m alone, with a baby, huge financial stress. I feel so unhappy I can’t describe it. Why now? How have I been ok for so long? I don’t know what’s happened to me and I feel genuinely scared about my mental state.

First of all, sending hugs.

Secondly, try not to beat yourself up about this. You are probably doing a much better job than you think. Things are hard when little ones are sick and you've had no sleep. Don't stress about the mess. Bit by bit try and tackle things. Could you take a few days off work when he's in nursery to take some time for yourself?

You're burnt out and have just passed a milestone. A milestone that you ideally thought would be different and that you'd be in a different place in life, and you've got happy newlyweds to compare your life to. And putting your baby into nursery and going back to work or getting ready to go back to work.

And you've had a few days of little to no sleep, literally up to your elbows in shit and aaaaall of the above that would break or push virtually everyone to the edge.

I think you're doing amazingly. When the literal shit subsides and you're getting more sleep, if you dont feel any differently, make an appointment with your GP to talk about your mental health. Tell the receptionist or GP everything you're feeling and that you are sole carer for an infant.

And what's your relationship with your newlywed brother like? Could you tell him how you're feeling and just get some practical help for a bit with tidying up or cleaning?

Thanks @JellyKoala @WiIIow i really feel I can’t go on at all. I’ve never felt this, always had a strong spirit and remained positive. I don’t know how to get out of this state, everything feels like it’s all on top of me

Well I know it probably won't help much but I think you are amazing to have got through a year with no support at all. So hats off to you. .And I know I felt v depressed when my first born turned one. I felt like my baby was gone and I felt really down about it which sounds ridiculous looking back but felt v real at the time.
It is a new phase for you and maybe you are grieving the passing of the early baby days?
Anyway hope you feel better soon . x

Sorry OP, but I'd say you may be about to come down with your DSs virus. Sudden onset hopelessness especially about things you usually ignore like missing sofa cushions is often a prelude to being unwell. Which obviously isn't great, but will at least be temporary.
You're doing a great job OP in very challenging circumstances to say the least. Little by little things will improve. One step at a time you can sort your house out. There's no rush. Just focus on the job in hand for now.

You are clearly doing a brilliant job and frankly that loser of a man who hasn’t got the balls to stand by his family is disgraceful.

Just keep going - don’t give up and remember life always gets better.

try and compartmentalise your day sometimes helps - try and do something to bring you joy even if it’s for a brief five minutes - this definitely works.

@5128gap this has actually reminded me of the one occasion I was unwell in DS’s first year, I now remember a similar feeling, although not as bad as this. I hope it’s not what you say but then again I suppose it means it will pass soon. I’ve really had enough.

@Guardian800 thanks, I was good at all that until the last week. It’s almost come out nowhere. I feel like I want out of everything, it’s such a strange sad feeling

Op you have made it to 1! Congratulations you sound amazing. We all have to decompress though at some point and it sounds like you've almost mentally hit a goal you had in mind and your brain has now released all the shit you've got through in the past year. Not easy when you're in it but my best advice is to know it'll pass, no matter how dite you feel. Treat a poor mh day or days like you have the flu, lots of crap TV, do nothing you don't want to do, don't try to achieve anything just be until you return to a place you can move from. Oh and never take the down days anymore seriously than you take any amazing days, they're all days and you have already and will continue to smash it x

It will feel like that right now but honestly, you're amazing 👏. Don't let it slide, get some professional help if you still feel like this in a few days but it's really understandable you feel like it now and some sleep and not being covered in shit is likely to make you feel very different.

It is so, so hard to logic yourself out of a poor mental state because you dont feel logical, everything crams in and is overwhelming and suddenly so, so important and all terrible, but years of MH issues for me have taught me lots.

You're not thinking completely rationally now but you will again and likely very soon. Take a little thing - the sofa cushion. Hasn't bothered you for months but now it's taking on significance and very soon, it won't bother you again and you'll look back and think "that was weird, getting so bothered by a sofa cushion that didn't bother me before and doesn't bother me now"

I promise.

And as a PP said, you might be coming down with DCs virus. Everything seems impossibly shit and hopeless when you're sleep deprived and becoming physical unwell. The sudden onset of you feeling like this suggests that may be in play. But as I said, don't let it slide and seek professional help if you dont feel any better in a few days.

You sound overwhelmed. Which is totally normal. But must be particularly difficult with no support and when you're used to being 'together'. It's shite atm, but you'll get through it. It's temporary. But it is a maelstrom. So, accept you have limited control, roll with it, and know that it gets easier. And hit everyone up here, literally thousands of wise minds to tap into.

You've had some really good advice here, and I can't add anything to the great posts. I just wanted to add that it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, and you WILL come out the other side of this. Stay strong, lovely, you'll be ok.

Oh, and your ex is a total cock.

You must be so tired. My friend who has a little girl on her own (by choice in her case with a siren donor) says it's when either of them gets ill that she suddenly thinks oh what the f&%k have I done, this is impossible?
But she has supportive family which is more than you do. I want to reiterate the other people who've said how amazing you've done. I know it's harder in different ways as they get older but in most ways the first year is the trickiest I think and you've done that. You might be panicking about the logistics of going back to work (each time I cried so hard I was sick leaving mine the first day like I total loon tbh but on balance it was good for us all that I did, and not just financially) and about finances since you're ex has recently got a lot poorer and it's all feeling too much. But you'll get into the swim of things and its great you have a job to go back to and sorted nursery etc.
Hopefully you'll feel better soon after this horrible period of illness but I also wonder whether your brother and sister in law, or other family member, would be able to help (maybe even want to) if you asked them? It's hard to be vulnerable in a family which hasn't encouraged that but even if it was a sleepover at theirs or an afternoon at the park once every two weeks or something it could be good for them to improve their relationship with your little guy and you get a chance to do some admin/get some rest... long term being literally always either working or doing childcare doesn't sound ideal either!
Hope you feel much better soon

Oh I have so much sympathy for you. Being responsible for a baby is challenging enough with 2 engaged parents let alone one. You’re doing brilliantly-you stepped up when your baby’s father chose not to and your son will appreciate that in years to come. Problems are better shared-is there a support group for single parents in your area? I don’t know if Gingerbread still exists or the NCT can help. Do contact your GP and say you need help to get through this period. Is there no one in your family you can confide in? Sending love and best wishes.

Goodness me, you sound overwhelmed. Believe me when I tell you I've been there. I spent my sons first birthday in a women's refuge escaping his violent father. He is now in his 20s and doing great, as am I. This will pass.

What area of the country are you? If you were near me I'd meet up with you for a coffee, sometimes it helps just to talk.

In the interim please do reach out for support to Samaritans or MIND.

I was in a very similar position to yourself a year ago (although I did/do have a partner who is very active in our child’s life) & for me I think it was because I’d subconsciously given myself a year to be a “new Mum” but then I would have my shot together. On my DC’s first birthday realising my life was still a hot mess & things didn’t magically get better once he turned 1 and started nursery was a tough reality to come to terms with.

A year on and I am in a much, much better place. For me it meant moving closer to family. They don’t help with childcare but just knowing they are close by in the event of an emergency feels like a weight off. It also meant hiring a cleaner. If you can afford to, I highly recommend it. Even if it’s only once or twice a month.

As PP have said you are right in the eye of the storm right now with a sick toddler. It’s the absolute worst. You sound like a wonderful. It does get better. It does get easier. Everyone who says “it only gets harder” is lying or wearing rose tinted glasses when they remember the toddler years!

Thank you for the support. I did a small gathering for his birthday and so many people kept saying ‘now the real hard work begins!’ In a jokey way about him walking etc. It made me feel a bit deflated on the day as I really just needed to feel things were on the up. But I guess that’s not necessarily true and they’re just being honest. Usually I’d never take these sort of things to heart but I’ve been crying all day on and off and I feel utterly hopeless and really weird. I’ve not felt this at all in the last year.

You're doing amazing. Can anyone mind him for a bit to give you a break?

Ignore! Those are just shit 'jokes'. Each stage has challenges, and tbh you're getting through the worst. Don't mind those eejits. KOKO x

I think you should speak to your GP - it sounds like you’re depressed and maybe some medication could help. If you’re feeling so low that you don’t want to be here then it might be worth a conversation.

I don’t know why I keep crying. It’s just not like me, I usually snap out of things like this quite quickly. I’ve felt this way before but briefly, a day at most. I don’t know why I can’t pick myself up, I feel scared and keep thinking something bad will happen

What do I do next, right now? I am staring at my phone wishing all this would just stop.

Eesh mine are a lot older now but your post gave me flashbacks. I think we are capable of running on autopilot for so long and then every now and again things catch up with us. It’s ok to feel as you do, it’s ok to cry and have a wallow about how shit things are. Let it all out, then tomorrow will be another day and somehow you’ll carry on. Because you have to, that’s the bottom line. The amount of people over the years who have said to me that they don’t know how I’ve coped - well because I didn’t have a fucking choice, that’s how 🤣. You’ve got this OP, and I know it’s a cliche but things do get easier. Babies and toddlers are shit really hard work.

And re your brother, comparison really is the thief of joy. You just have to block it out. Milestones/special events are hard. I used to get really upset on Mother’s Day that I didn’t even get a card when FB was full of people getting all kinds of gifts arranged by their husbands. Now I’ve come to terms that I get fuck all and that’s just life. I also used to get really upset on Xmas eve that I was all alone and trying to build a bike or whatever whilst drinking gin and crying. But again, years pass and I’ve come to terms with the reality of it and surround myself with friends instead. There’s two ways of looking at your situation, focussing on the negatives or the positives. For your own sanity, generally speaking try to focus on the positives, and there are some - your DS for one.

Do you have any friends or family who could help you with a bit of an autumn clean? Or watch DS while you clean?

@VeryGoodVeryNice your post made me cry more (flashbacks to building a cot alone at 9 months pregnant and cutting my hand!!), but weirdly it’s also made me feel more like me again!! I feel like someone gets it. Its fucking shit isn’t it, at times? But not always and that’s the key. Thank you for giving me a tiny bit of strength to go and turn the oven on (I’m not even joking)

Is DS asleep? If so have a nice bath and play a game on your phone, that works for me. Focusses my mind on something else and stops the racing thoughts. Candy crush is very soothing, I’m on level 11293 🤣.