I don’t know what’s happened but I have fallen into a mental hole in the last two days. My son was one last weekend and I have done literally everything for him after my ex who convinced me to keep our baby, told me six months in that actually he wouldn’t be a good dad and he wasn’t ready (he was 36). He didn’t attend the birth, didn’t actually contact me at all until I asked for some financial support a couple of months later.
I was coping fine. I would even go as far as to say I was happy. Zero family support (sort of people who are great company if you’re ok but can’t cope with you not being ok, so I always put on a brave face). But the last year had been pretty ok, no major down days etc. As soon as ds turned one last weekend I’ve been feeling fucking awful. Everything feels black. I think in some ways I was wanting to ‘make it’ to one, ready for me to go back to work and he be in nursery, and rather than embracing it and celebrating how far we’ve come alone, I just feel like I suddenly can’t cope.
ds went to nursery last week, I cried. He’s since picked up a bug, so last night I was clearing up sick at 1am. Today he’s had awful nappies which have destroyed a couple of babygrows and I’ve had to bath him three times, he was covered. The washing machine hasn’t been off. I’m covered in fucking shit, my clothes too. I’m tired. I received the nursery bill two days ago and I will owe 890 for November. I knew this was coming but it seems ex has lost his previously decent job as I’m now receiving only 390 a month. I’ve contacted him to ask if he would pay a bit more towards nursery and he never replied.
My house is a state. I can’t emphasise this enough. It’s terrible. I can’t invite anyone round it’s so bad. The sofa had a seat missing, always has done but I’m suddenly really depressed about it. Carpets are filthy from a year of me just managing alone and accidentally dropping milk or nappies along the way.
My son is wonderful. I am struggling to cope with how energetic he’s becoming and I don’t know how I am going to manage this.
For the last week I’ve been having nightmares about my ex that has never happened before. I keep wondering what sort of monster can let his son’s first birthday pass and not acknowledge it. No idea why I’m suddenly thinking about this now, I managed to ignore it for over a year.
My brother recently got married and every time I see him and my sister in law I just think fucking hell my life is absolutely shocking in comparison. I have 10k debt, easily serviceable but what the fuck have I got myself into… I’m alone, with a baby, huge financial stress. I feel so unhappy I can’t describe it. Why now? How have I been ok for so long? I don’t know what’s happened to me and I feel genuinely scared about my mental state.