Suddenly not ok and wish I wasn’t here any longer, how how how can I fix this

[loswmy]

I don’t know what’s happened but I have fallen into a mental hole in the last two days. My son was one last weekend and I have done literally everything for him after my ex who convinced me to keep our baby, told me six months in that actually he wouldn’t be a good dad and he wasn’t ready (he was 36). He didn’t attend the birth, didn’t actually contact me at all until I asked for some financial support a couple of months later.

I was coping fine. I would even go as far as to say I was happy. Zero family support (sort of people who are great company if you’re ok but can’t cope with you not being ok, so I always put on a brave face). But the last year had been pretty ok, no major down days etc. As soon as ds turned one last weekend I’ve been feeling fucking awful. Everything feels black. I think in some ways I was wanting to ‘make it’ to one, ready for me to go back to work and he be in nursery, and rather than embracing it and celebrating how far we’ve come alone, I just feel like I suddenly can’t cope.

ds went to nursery last week, I cried. He’s since picked up a bug, so last night I was clearing up sick at 1am. Today he’s had awful nappies which have destroyed a couple of babygrows and I’ve had to bath him three times, he was covered. The washing machine hasn’t been off. I’m covered in fucking shit, my clothes too. I’m tired. I received the nursery bill two days ago and I will owe 890 for November. I knew this was coming but it seems ex has lost his previously decent job as I’m now receiving only 390 a month. I’ve contacted him to ask if he would pay a bit more towards nursery and he never replied.

My house is a state. I can’t emphasise this enough. It’s terrible. I can’t invite anyone round it’s so bad. The sofa had a seat missing, always has done but I’m suddenly really depressed about it. Carpets are filthy from a year of me just managing alone and accidentally dropping milk or nappies along the way.

My son is wonderful. I am struggling to cope with how energetic he’s becoming and I don’t know how I am going to manage this.

For the last week I’ve been having nightmares about my ex that has never happened before. I keep wondering what sort of monster can let his son’s first birthday pass and not acknowledge it. No idea why I’m suddenly thinking about this now, I managed to ignore it for over a year.

My brother recently got married and every time I see him and my sister in law I just think fucking hell my life is absolutely shocking in comparison. I have 10k debt, easily serviceable but what the fuck have I got myself into… I’m alone, with a baby, huge financial stress. I feel so unhappy I can’t describe it. Why now? How have I been ok for so long? I don’t know what’s happened to me and I feel genuinely scared about my mental state.

Its absolutely normal to have a mental heath wobble at the end of maternity leave/start of nursery. I know several of my friends who had a similar episode at the same time. On top of that you have had an exhausting couple of days, an ill child and limited sleep. Of COURSE you feel shit!

My therapist offered me some good advice recently (mild depression and anxiety) your mental health is often like the weather. The bad days will pass. This really helped me put my bad day into perspective knowing I just needed to hold on and that helped calm me down.

In terms of practical advice, are you getting everything you are entitled to? Tax free childcare, child benefits etc. Also how is your ex charged? Is it possible that he is lying about his circumstances to pay you less or is it directly via cms.
Is there anyone you can ask to support you for a few hours so you can sleep/get urgent chores done?

@loswmy oh bless you, yes I definitely get it, even down to the nightmares about ex, and well done for putting the oven on, some food will definitely help. It’s bloody hard going but you ARE doing well, DS is happy and loved. All fed, not dead is my parenting mantra (I know, gold standard right? 🤣). You are good enough, you don’t have to be perfect.

I mean this sincerely - you're an absolute hero to me. I have children and can hand on heart say I'd be a wreck if I had to do it alone. I found the first year bloody hard, by far the hardest. The lack of sleep, constant nappies and soiled clothes, the crying... honestly I felt utterly depressed the whole year. So the fact you've made it alone all this time says a lot about your resilience and work ethic.

You're having a wobble. Perhaps it's al built up without you realising. Like you say, you had a milestone in mind of when you'd have it together until and now perhaps you're subconsciously allowing the gravity of the situation to come out.

I would reach out to other single parents. You absolutely wont be alone in how you feel.

And your ex is a huge prick for not caring. But don't be fooled, there are plenty of married dads living with their kids who don't care either.

Well done for all you've achieved so far. If you can do that, you can do anything. It'll get easier I promise. Take some self care and remember, it won't always be like this. Life has a funny way of chucking surprises your way, it'll get easier I promise x

Okay, you have been through A LOT and it is still going on. You must be kind to yourself. I absolutely, 100% get it, what you say about the house being a mess and comparisons with other people who seem to have things better than you. But what matters is you and DS.
My DD’s dad left me when she was a baby, with a commute each day and a FT job. I remember going to sleep the first night I was back at work and all I could see when I closed my eyes were the lines of red brake lights in front of me. I remember thinking, what the fuck, how am I going to manage this every day? And that was before all the nursery bugs and everything else you have to deal with. DD is twenty now and at uni.
I have had phases like you describe where it all seems too much. Then it is about getting through the next hour, the next day, and trying to remember to do the things which bring you joy, or even just - as it sounds like you need now - resting and knowing this too will pass.
Different ages bring different challenges. It’s not going to get harder, but it is different having a toddler than a baby, just like it is different having a school child than a toddler.
Honestly, you are doing really well. Make yourself something to eat (remember to turn the oven off again afterwards) and snuggle in and watch a good show?
Also make sure you are taking vitamins, especially vitamin D at this time of year, also vitamin B I usually find helps mentally and iron (as I am prone to anaemia).

Sorry, I wanted to also add that if this feeling does not lift, please reach out to your GP or health visitor. You can get PND at this stage, or it is just your body and mind’s reaction to being exhausted from everything, but there are medications to help you cope until you mentally feel better.

OP you should feel damn proud of yourself.

Can you have a quick shower or bath right now? Might help you decompress a bit.

And in my view each day and each year gets better and easier. Those newborn helpless days were scary!!

Have a bath. Watch something nice on TV. Make yourself something to eat or order a takeaway if you can afford it. Play with or cuddle your DS if he's awake or go to bed and try and get some sleep if he isn't.

Leave your 'phone in another room. I know it's boring and annoying advice but screens do effect our sleep so hugely it's unreal.

If you really feel desperate and want to talk, 'phone the Samaritans or other helplines. Google your area and some will come up.

If you feel like you're at imminent risk of harming yourself or DS then call 999 or go to A and E but it doesn't seem like you're feeling that way.

You are going through a really shitty few days so monitor so see how it goes before taking action after the weekend. Honestly, any Dr that would diagnose you with anything at this stage with all the context, and prescribe anti-depressants would be irresponsible but if you're not feeling better in a few days, at least alert them to the situation so they're aware, can monitor and check up on you and can take appropriate action rapidly if needed.

Take tomorrow as it comes.

You’re not relying on anybody and sound like a mum always putting her child first. You should be so proud! Way better than being stuck in a miserable relationship. Things will get easier x

This:

And also, if you're used to coping so well and not having many bad days, a really bad day or few days can seem terrifying because it's so outside of how you normally are/feel.

But you OP, are not losing it or losing your mind by the sounds of things, though I know it feels like it!

Oh god OP I read that and just want to give you a massive hug. You sound AMAZING, so strong. I am in awe of how you’ve got through the last year. As others have said, it’s not surprising that you’ve got to your son’s birthday and everything has now caught up with you. You’ve had to carry so much for so long, and it sounds like you have done so exceptionally well, but everyone has their limits. Is there anyone in your life that you could call on for help right now? Sometimes people can surprise you if you put the word out that you’re struggling and need some back up right now. The people who show up in these moments aren’t necessarily those who you know well or for a long period of time.

ps I know it was just a small part of your post but I didn’t find it awful when my children started walking, it was the opposite. It was great to watch their worlds open up further as they could start to toddle along and explore. Also, whilst I’ve found the toddler years hard, the older they get and they more they can understand you and also communicate verbally back to you, the easier I have found it in many ways. Yes, they will throw tantrums over the most bonkers shit on earth but if they can tell you between screams that the world is ending because their banana is the wrong shade of yellow then you can at least think phew, they’re not screaming because they’re in pain with an ear infection.

Sending you a huge, huge hug.

Can’t see if others have mentioned it but is your period due? Hormones are weird things.

I believe you haven’t had a chance to process how difficult and alone you have felt. You have just had to cope day in and day out. Now you have safely reached ds being one years old it’s all coming to the surface. Please get some counselling to process everything you have been through. Speak to the dr if this feeling persists. Don’t struggle on by yourself.

I found the toddler years far easier. They can walk for one, Start to talk. Feed themselves. Sleep better and are more robust. Less worry.

I would ask for a short delay to your starting date and spend some time getting your house in order. Wash the carpets. Do some repairs - buy a cover for the sofa. Celebrate this new chapter with some time off to yourself. 💐💐

Bless you OP. Your post has brought out the very best MN has to offer. I can't fault the support and advice above.

I was very. saddened by this bit though:

"Zero family support (sort of people who are great company if you’re ok but can’t cope with you not being ok, so I always put on a brave face)".

Could you ask for help without mentioning "coping" at all? I don't know if GP are around, but wouldn't they like to have some one-on-one time with your LO? It seems so alien to me that they can be such good company but not instinctively care deeply for your wellbeing. I'm so sorry if this is the case, but have you ever tested them like this and given them the chance to step up?

I understand it would be an extra blow if you did ask and they failed to come through for you, though.

I apologise if I sound naive and simplistic 🍇💐

I remember waking up at night panicking at how I would cope with it all. But actually, you just do. You get into the routine of nursery/ school play dates/ homework/stories/ family jokes and customs. You learn to build a home filled with love and fun and excitement. Before I met dh I remember a time when I had worked six double shifts to pay the rent, with my mum babysitting (very kindly) getting t home and they’d hit the tv with a ball and smashed it and wrecked the house. They were fighting and managed to hit me. I walked out , texted my mum and went to the pub. Sat there crying about how lonely and relentless it was. How I never got a break or support from anyone but my mum. How everything was hard all the time. I got in about 10.30 and they all hugged me. My mum had cleared up. I knew I loved them so much that the tv didn’t matter.

You’ll get through it op. Join a single mum’s group, go to playgroups and you might even enjoy it.

I'm sure others have given better advice but for now, stay here. PM me if you want, it will get better. It just sucks atm. It's a 'now' thing. It's not forever, or even next week. Life can be shit. I totally get you x

Aww OP you aren’t alone in feeling this way but things will get better.

My personal circumstances are a little different from yours but I’m currently off work due to mental health issues after returning from Mat leave in the summer. I felt great when I returned and all through Mat leave, no previous mental health issues but things nose dived pretty quickly after my LO turned 1.

I felt guilty about it but I’ve been signed off work - then we got sick with a bug and soon after Covid and I felt at my lowest when I was also physically unwell too but things are slowly getting better now and it will for you too.

I love watching my LO grow, 1 is a really lovely age!

As for what should you do now… I have watched a lot of Netflix/Disney (I knew I was feeling a little better when I enjoyed the wagatha Christie documentary on Disney 😂) finally got out for a walk this week and another today and went and got my nails done. I also got a big book and have been writing everything down which is helping! I’m having counselling through work too as much quicker than the nhs.

I second Wagatha! It's weirdly compelling! ( and Colleen was v impressive imo!) And try The West Wing. It's like a big warm hug. And who doesn't need one of those!

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP and feeling so low.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

I totally agree with this OP.
Please go and tell your GP what you've told us.
And huge hugs to you!

You got to a year and looked up at the path left to climb - and it looked like a massive mountain going on forever so you freaked out. Understandable but you don't need to cope with forever now, I you just need to cope with the here are now. Today. Thinking about things way ahead or way behind that can't be changed will just make you anxious.

Sometimes you need to be your own mother and kind of recognize the factors in why you feel the way you do and trust above them, so thinking 'i feel very down, but my kid just had a virus so I probably just need rest' and take care of bodily needs for rest, food and exercise even if emotionally you just want to scream.

Lots of therapists offer reduced rates for people in difficult circumstances, might be worth exploring?

Your child has been a lovely baby until now, he's about to become more of a companion. Honestly babies need huge amounts of input and don't give much back - once you can go for a walk and have little chats with your kid, I think it's less lonely because it's like having a little pal around, even with the tantrums.

Do kind things for yourself, even if it's a cup of tea, early night with a book, nice walk etc.

You might also look up mindfulness techniques - free and helpful!

How are you feeling today? Do you have the energy to get out for a walk? Or someone you can plan to meet up with?