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Original poster

What help do I need?

66 replies

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 12:19

Hi. My 16yo has had a rough few years. He’s very intelligent but struggled with exams and exam prep due to a late diagnosed learning difficulty. His confidence took a massive hit. He also had an ADD diagnosis 6 months ago.

over the holidays all he has done is sleep and sit in his room. Eating has been sporadic and this morning he fainted because he hasn’t eaten for 24 hours. This seems to be self harm.

he must be depressed but he won’t talk to us or a therapist. I know he must be terrified about results day coming up but he won’t talk to us.

I feel like sixth form would’ve a mistake for him and he needs some urgent intervention - but what?

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 14:00

Hopeful bump

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Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 18:25

Bump for the evening crowd

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Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 20:54

A final hopeful bump

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SirWalterElliot · 22/08/2023 20:57

I'm no expert but hopefully this will help with the bumping at least... Sounds very tough OP. What help (if any) have you had so far? From GP? What were his school doing? Is he under a psychiatrist? CAMHS?

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:01

School have been unhelpful. We have had a psychologist who lasted 2 sessions before ds refused to see him and then a therapist for 3 sessions before he refused to continue. all private so far

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 21:22

Ok, so I would see this as ramping up ahead of results day and once the results are known, he may be more available to work on his feelings.

Will he listen to you at all? I would empathise with the fact that he is obviously having difficult feelings but also explain that food is a non negotiable. What ever is going on, he needs to be attempting to eat a reasonable amount. What would he be like if you actually formalised it as him having to come and sit at the table at specific times for breakfast, lunch and tea and stay at the table and attempt to eat for 20/30 mins each time? If he can't commit to doing this you need to make an urgent appointment for him to see the GP. Does he realise that if he continues to stop eating he will have to be admitted to hospital?

The other think I might do if he is resistant to talking to you is to write him notes. Could be short things like "I enjoyed being with you at lunch time today" or longer things about how you are proud of him for keeping going with school even though it has been hard with his additional needs and that you will still be proud of him whatever his results. Try and keep calm and in control of your own processes. He will need to feel that you can still cope even if he can't.

I would get through the next couple of days until the results as best you can (but take him to GP if he still isn't eating) and allow him time to process the results. Then sometime next week see how he is.

If no change, take him to your GP and explain what he is like and ask if there is medication that can help. Sometimes people need antidepressants before they are ready to engage in talking therapy.

In fact it might be as well to make a GP appointment in advance for next week. If he is majorly improved, you can always cancel it. If he refuses to go, you can always go yourself to express your concerns. As he is under 18 the GP should be willing to talk to you about him.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:27

Thank you for your message.

he ended up binge eating tonight so at least he has some food in him but obviously it’s very unhealthy

he is very oppositional and defiant (I guess from his add) so talking to him is almost impossible - he won’t even do things that he wants to do any more. So for eg he wanted me to book a physio but then wouldn’t go.

I suppose I’m wondering if it might be best to defer sixth form for a year - maybe resit some of his gcses and focus on his well-being. But I don’t know how to get him to engage with anything.

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 21:37

It may be best to defer, but I really wouldn't worry about that as the first issue. In the long run it won't actually matter if he defers at the start of term or starts but then realised he can't continue. I know it seems like a critical thing but in the long term it really isn't.

I would honestly be firm about setting some very basic ground rules around meals . You could say to him that after Thursday, this situation cannot continue as it is so bad for his health and x, y z. will need to happen.

Separately, I would do the affirmative note thing. Even if he appears to be rejecting it, he may well also be taking it in.

I do also think that a GP appointment with our without him is the best way to start going forward. It may also be that he needs medication for his ADD.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:39

Thank you. I will make the gp appointment

2 problems - it’s a boarding school he’s supposed to be going to - one that’s very supportive of his learning difficulty but probably not these newer issues. So we would need to decide asap about deferring

the other issue is that he won’t take medication that will jeopardise him going into his desired profession.

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Thatbloodyhedge · 22/08/2023 21:44

Ok
That changes it massively!
Huge pressure on him
Does he want to go?

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 21:45

Sounds like he is a very black and white thinker. I'm wondering if he is on the autistic spectrum too.

I'm wondering what profession he wants to go into. Logically speaking, not eating well and refusing to come out of his room is going to jeopardize him going into even more professions.

I'd see what the GP says about different possibilities for meds and whether they would really jeopardize things.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:45

Yes he does want to go but I know he’s nervous about it too. He can’t stay at his current school because he won’t meet the grades so that’s also been stressful for him although he is keen for a fresh start. I think he has huge conflicting feelings about everything at the moment but he won’t open up

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Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:46

When he had the adhd assessment they also looked at autism but it wasn’t diagnosed. Just add.

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Thatbloodyhedge · 22/08/2023 21:47

Boarding at 16
With his frame of mind?
No way
Sorry

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:51

No - when we agreed it he wasn’t like this. He has deteriorated in the last 4 weeks. Before that he was difficult but not worryingly so. We spent a lot of time finding a school that would be supportive and very pastoral but also allow him to continue the subjects he’s passionate in and his hobby. But over the holiday he has completely stopped his sport

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 21:55

I agree that unless the school is used to these issues and has a very therapeutic approach, it doesn't sound the best idea for him, but also see what the GP says.

Could it be that although part of him does want to go to this school, another part (perhaps even that he can't or doesn't want to recognise) is feeling that this would be too much of a stretch so his current behaviour is a kind of subconscious self sabotage?

That would make sense of why he won't talk to you and why therapies have stalled as any attempt to get him to face the feeling of too much stretch would be very uncomfortable for him and he may want to just try and push past it to go with the part of him that wants to go ( may feel like massive failure/disaster/weakness to admit to the feelings).

Of course I have no idea that this is the truth, just a suggestion really.

BasiliskStare · 22/08/2023 21:57

You may not wish to say @WorriesMum23 but what kind of medication could bar him from his desired profession. Surely getting well now would give him the best shot ( I am not a doctor ) and I very much feel for you in this situation.

All the very best to you and DS

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 21:57

If he has only deteriorated in the last 4 weeks, it may just be extreme results anxiety and he may relax after Thursday. You can only wait and see though.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 21:59

he wants to push us away but then at the same time he doesn’t want to be away from us. I can see how he could be self sabotaging because he can’t vocalise. We have told him that whatever happens results wise we can sort something and it’s not a full stop on his life.

it’s hard because he is a straight 9 students whose learning difficulty means he’s not achieving and that has made him frustrated and angry

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:00

I'm guessing something like airline or military pilot, but given his ADD, he may be being unrealistic to think these would be a possibility anyway.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:00

Thank you for all responses. It’s regular army

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:04

Sounds like he might not yet have properly processed the implications of his learning difficulties (not a criticism, it is a huge thing and could be similar to a bereavement -grieving the learning experience he really wanted to have) . Anger is part of a grief process, as is denial of the realities of the situation.

I know this is really hard and it may take him time to adjust to his diagnosis.

Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:06

Yes I think you are right. He is super angry that it took so long and he blames me for not noticing earlier. Which I of course feel bad about but he’s so bright it was only obvious once he started sitting secondary school exams after covid and even then - I only know one teenage boy so didn’t realise it was something like that

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Original poster
WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:07

The therapist he saw for 3 sessions was supposed to be helping him with dealing with his diagnosis.

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EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:07

If he were to pursue an army career he would need to have a very good handle on his ADD, how it impacts him, how it affects his concentration, how he is when he does/doesn't take meds.

Do you think some of his stress may be that he is beginning to realise that his ADD might affect an army career anyway, but still doesn't want to face that /admit it?