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Mental health

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Original poster

What help do I need?

66 replies

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 12:19

Hi. My 16yo has had a rough few years. He’s very intelligent but struggled with exams and exam prep due to a late diagnosed learning difficulty. His confidence took a massive hit. He also had an ADD diagnosis 6 months ago.

over the holidays all he has done is sleep and sit in his room. Eating has been sporadic and this morning he fainted because he hasn’t eaten for 24 hours. This seems to be self harm.

he must be depressed but he won’t talk to us or a therapist. I know he must be terrified about results day coming up but he won’t talk to us.

I feel like sixth form would’ve a mistake for him and he needs some urgent intervention - but what?

OP posts:

QualityCorner · 22/08/2023 22:08

Take all pressure and demands off him immediately. Tell him genuinely not to worry about his results. Tell him there are many different routes through life and if he needs a bit of time out now, that's no problem. Tell him you will support what he wants to do. Give him time and space- as much as he needs- to heal.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:10

His add is very mild. It’s his other learning difficulty which is the problem. Only in an academic setting really

we have taken all pressure off in the holiday and talked about how the results don’t matter - there’s always a way forward. But he feels like a total failure and it’s very hard to convince him he’s not.

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:20

Don't try and "convince" him as that will get oppositional. Just keep holding that as your view point and try the thing about writing notes about how proud you are of him whatever results he gets

Are you willing to say what his other learning difficulty is?

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:21

Slow processing

yes you are right. I’ve backed off and will do as you suggest with notes

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:36

Thank you for saying. My background is as a tutor to a lot of students who have learning and other difficulties.

He is obviously really struggling and my heart goes out to him trying to address the "unfairness" of the situation.

I think all you can do right now is provide that calm but firm base for him. Insist on basics like eating and hold the space for him to be how he is right now.

He may get angry at the notes but that doesn't mean he isn't taking it on board too. When people have processing difficulties, presenting information in different ways can help them take it on board.

I do think the GP appointment will be important too.

If he doesn't come round after the results are known then I'd be inclined to say you don't think he has had enough time to process the issues affecting him and that you want him to take a year out (have some plans about what he could do in that year though, local college, repeat some GCSEs, do an AS level volunteer in something related to his hobby?) as you think he will benefit more from the new school when he has had a bit more time to work through things. Make it clear that it isn't that he has failed in any way, just a question of best timing.

He may be relieved at this or may go all out to prove to you that he can manage now!

I don't think there are any quick and easy fixes to this. Some of my students have had several "false starts" at studying post GCSE until they can fully face their issues and choose a pathway that is really going to work for them.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:40

It’s so hard. He’s on the top end of the charts for everything but at the bottom for the processing. His school were unhelpful and he ended up being labelled as lazy which then led to bad behaviour and a certain ‘giving up’.

it makes me so sad that things have turned out like this for him

i just don’t know what to do

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:43

I don't think you can know the full path of "what to do". Only the next steps

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:45

Yes. It’s just hard because everything else is shit at the moment too.

let’s see how Thursday goes. Maybe once he has certainty he will feel better

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:46

It sounds like he could really thrive at a school catering for his needs if his mental health is stable enough. Personally I think you can only call this for certain once you see how he is after the results come out.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:49

Yes - I think you’re right. I think the independence of being away could be the making of him. But it could also be a disaster! Fingers crossed for Thursday!!

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:51

Would you benefit from a bit of therapy to talk through your feelings on this? Please don't be offended but I have heard what you said about not being able to spot the difficulties earlier, plus I sense a certain sort of helplessness.

It is a very difficult situation and I really don't think there is likely to be a quick fix. If it helps, students I have taught mostly do find a pathway through eventually but it can take a while whilst they work through their black and white perfectionism and see how they can work /learn in a way that supports their differences.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:53

I could do with therapy for many reasons but I’m rather like my son - start to open up and then clam shut! Not a healthy role model I’m sure

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 22:55

So, that might be the first thing to address in therapy? Why do you instinctively clam up. A good therapist can work with where you are, not where you think you need to be. It might also help your son to see you get some help.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 22:58

Yes probably. Taking a first step is hard. I’m just an extreme stiff upper lip type. I’m just not sure how to find someone. I tried cbt once but they gave up on me!!

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 23:09

CBT is not the best approach for everyone. Have a look on line for local people who have the right registrations and who work in different modalities. Explain what you have said to me and ask if they are able to work with this. Choose the person you have most rapport with. My experience of therapy is that if I say "I'm finding it hard to talk about x or I keep wanting to clam up and not talk about y" the therapist works with that rather than insisting I push past it.

It is beginning to sound as if your son may have learned some of his coping skills from you and it might possibly be that one of the best ways you can help him is to work on extending the different ways you deal with issues.

However I am just a random on the internet with a background in teaching leaning difficulties and experience of my own therapy which has made a huge impact on me.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 22/08/2023 23:16

Yes you are probably right. I should try and find someone

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 22/08/2023 23:21

Good luck!

thisisasurvivor · 22/08/2023 23:44

Put in a parental request for an EHC

Mammma91 · 23/08/2023 03:40

Hi op. Didn’t want to read and run but nhs24 mental health services are open 24/7, if you can’t get help from your gp I suggest phoning 111.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 23/08/2023 08:12

Thanks. What’s an ehc?

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 23/08/2023 08:49

It is EHCP. Education and Health Care plan. It outlines extra help a student should be getting and if their additional needs are high enough ( over 10 hours of 1:1 support per week) gets extra funding for the school., plus give support up to age 25 with learning, careers advice etc.

It isn't a quick process and won't help your immediate problems. I'm not sure it is even applicable for independent schools.

thisisasurvivor · 23/08/2023 08:51

You can apply as a family

I would do it now !!!

Eyesopenwideawake · 23/08/2023 08:52

Try having a chat with Therese Langford of https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy

She works almost exclusively with children and teenagers - he may engage with her as she works with the subconscious rather than the conscious mind.

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy

EducatingArti · 23/08/2023 09:04

thisisasurvivor · 23/08/2023 08:51

You can apply as a family

I would do it now !!!

@thisisasurvivor
Do you have much experience of EHCP? I'm not an expert at all but I don't think it is going to be terribly relevant right now as the op has chosen an independent boarding school for her son.

It might be useful to apply at some point so that he gets the support through to age 25 but in my experience it is pretty hard to get it for youngsters functioning at the higher academic levels. Op it might be worth a try with this when you have got over these immediate issues but I would recommend you start by going on the IPSEA website and looking there for help and advice. It is not a quick process and you will almost certainly get turned down initially and need to appeal but IPSEA will support you with that.

Original poster

WorriesMum23 · 23/08/2023 09:08

Oh ok - yes I have heard of them. I thought it was something school had to apply for.

thank you for all advice - I will take a look

OP posts:

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