The only reason why I don't is because of my mum

[Inneedofaholiday22]

I'd like to end my life and have felt like this for a long time but I know my mum would be very upset. If you're a mum, I'd like your opinion. If I write her a letter explaining that I couldn't continue a life of pain and torture and I will be at peace and wont suffer anymore, do you think that in time she will be able to accept this and she would be okay? As opposed to her watching me feel suicidal forever which causes her pain every day.

How old are you OP?

I am speaking as a mum who has a daughter who at times feels like you but also as a daughter whose dad took his own life.

It's clear to see why you have had enough and think it will be better for all but honestly being the relative of someone who does this is just awful.

You never get over the guilt and stop questioning yourself if you could or should have done more, it just never ends

My daughters MH condition cannot be cured as such but I have fought so hard to get her support to help her live the best life she can and honestly she has come so far, she will never be fully better but she is living a good life with some bad times Instead

I am sorry that you feel this way, its shocking the lack of support avaliable

I would though add if you don't feel the counselling is helping can you look at changing the counsellor. Can make a huge difference

what about a really really good one, one that comes highly recommended from someone, the best there is? Your life is absolutely worth it. Is every minute of every day awful? Are there tiny things you get any sort of joy from, even low level?

Your mum and you pet love you & won’t be ok. Also other people, your friends/family. I’m not dismissing your absolute hellosh time by seemingly suggesting you put everyone else before yourself but there’s always always hope. I don’t know how old you are but do you not somewhere have hope that someone could help?

*your pet

As a daughter who
lost her dad to suicide no she will never feel ok again. Please get some support there’s so much out there! X

I can't really imagine a parent ever comes to terms with outliving their child, particularly if they die by suicide. But your mum is presumably fairly old anyway. Is it possible to aim simply to outlive her? Adult siblings may be more resigned to the loss. I could certainly cope just fine if either of mine decided to end their lives. Up to them. My kids - that is a different matter. I'd rather die first and not know.

My mums in her 60s so not old.

Believe me the pain your mum is going through knowing you’re struggling is unbearable, if you actually went through with it, it would destroy her. im actually waiting every moment of every day for that knock on the door. I tell my daughter that why she has people who love her and believe in her she has a reason to keep trying and she promises me she is trying, but the pain of knowing my little girl is suffering is crippling I just don’t know how I could cope if she looses that fight, even the love for my other children? I don’t know, and I hope to god I never find out.

get help my love, tell your gp you’re not coping or call the mental health crisis team, if need be go into a care facility, you will meet others who are going through what you are and you won’t feel so alone, I know it helped my daughter xx

I've told my gp multiple times, I don't get anywhere. I went a few weeks ago and told her I plan to end my life and have been deciding how to do it.

If I knew my child was suffering as much as you are @Inneedofaholiday22 and who had tried everything that there is to try and feel better, I wouldn't blame them for finding a way to end that suffering.
MI would be devastated, yes and there would no doubt be times when I would blame myself, but my pain, my distress, my devastation at your loss does not trump your pain, your distress, your devastation at having to live with this every day.
I have read the whole thread and gone back to your original post and I can say yes I would be able to accept it.
I hope you can find some peace.

So max 20 years probably left? Well, it's a fairly full amount of life already lived so if you do decide suicide is the way forward at least she is fairly old already. It'll probably reduce her own life expectancy but she's 3/4 of the way through average life expectancy.
If you waited til her 70s she may have dementia anyway and not be aware.

Try calling Mind crisis help line, I think the number is 03001233393, if not they will point you in the right direction

That's good to know, thank you. I don't want to cause her pain but it makes it a little easier knowing there's a chance she'll understand and accept it when it happens.

Have you ever asked her? Or asked her recently?

She may have reached a point where she could accept it.

And your sibling? Do they think your mum could cope with it?

I haven't got it in me to ask my sibling that.

Can you try getting on an antipsychotic? It’s the only thing that’s worked for my anxiety and depression. They’re really really good to give you a sense of detachment and peace

Have you tried ECT treatment. I know lots of people think it's dreadful but it's the only thing that worked for my mums depression.

I would never normally recommend this on mumsnet or to anyone, it’s only when people ask me about my experiences but have you looked into Ayahuasca?
It’s life changing and could give you and completely different perspective on life.
Whatever happens, know you’ll be ok xx

I've told my mum today how I feel and got a bit of a lukewarm vague response which in a weird way has made me feel better that she isn't really distressed or upset about what I'm planning to do.

I feel for you OP & I've been in your mum's position. What did she say when you told her?

"Sorry you feel that way"
She didn't tell me not to, it didn't upset her.

@Inneedofaholiday22 whatever your mum said, hearing how you feel will have upset her. Having been in her place, and having read books and even done some training, the advice is always to validate feelings rather than try and fix or advise or offer a solution. As a parent that is very hard.
What would have been the ideal reaction, from your point of view?

I am going to answer your original question, Op. I don't feel qualified to say anything more.

Your mother will never get over your death. It will become part of her life, always with her, never leaving.

How are you feeling OP? I'm so very sorry you feel the way you do... I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel for you 💐

So you asked her how she would feel, or you told her how you felt? They are two different things.
Sounds like she responded to your feelings but didn't offer an answer to the question of how she would feel? If you haven't asked already then see what she says, if you want to know.
Your sibling could probably offer insight as well