Page 2 | The only reason why I don't is because of my mum

AndrexPuppy · 28/07/2023 20:13

It is unlikely. She would likely never recover from it.

Believe me, your mum will be torn up by the guilt of knowing that she is the only thing keeping you from doing The Thing. That her selfish need to keep you here and keep you safe, to be with you and love you is prolonging your suffering. It will weigh heavily on her. There is no escape from that guilt because the alternative is too much to bear. The guilt is a thousand times better than the alternative. The black horror and pain of loss and knowing that there can never be any hope.

The words don’t exist that could put her mind at ease. It is agony.

bitereactionkneepain · 28/07/2023 20:13

As the mother of a child who died on the day he was born and has been categorically told it was "just one of those things" I still feel guilt and blame myself.

I have so many what ifs? On a good day I completely understand it was a freakish anomaly in his development that caused him to pass away.

On a bad day it was entirely my fault. I am completely to blame and if I wasn't a bad person or had done something differently he might still be here.

Three years is absolutely nothing in terms of time for overcoming a horrific experience/trauma.

I was raped at 14 and am now in my 50s it still affects me. My father dropped down dead in front of me almost 20 years ago it still affects me.
My son died in my arms it still affects me. I helped do CPR on a RTA victim who ultimately passed away, it still affects me.

Take time for you and think of the good moments even if they are infrequent and fleeting.

Your family would be devastated and would not get over it. You have value and your life is worth living even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Others
will see your value way more than you do. Even if you think they would be glad that you are no longer in pain. They will constantly consider what if? What if they had done something differently, said something differently, been there not been there the list goes on.

I am currently suffering with pain and it is soo hard some days. I find myself trying so hard not to be grumpy with those around me when the slightest thing aggravates my condition. I cant begin to imagine what you have been through.

You are so much more than your thoughts. You are loved. You would be missed. I hope you find a way forward. Take care.

GardeningIdiot · 28/07/2023 20:14

Dombasle · 28/07/2023 19:25

Please seek immediate help via the Samaritans or Mind.

By: Allie Marie Smith

What if I told you not to leave? 
What if I told you that you would get through this? 
That you are stronger than you think you are.

What if I told you this world is not better off without you in it? 
But that it is more beautiful because you are here.

What if I told you there are good gifts waiting for you on the other side of this darkness. 
That you will smile again.

What if I told you that this is not your fault? 
That there is help and hope is alive.
What if I told you we need you to stay? 
That you are loved more than you can comprehend and there is a good plan unfolding for your life.

What if I told you one day your pain can be transformed into purpose? If I told you these things, would you please stay?

What if I told you I was that girl who almost left too soon? 
What if I told you I discovered good gifts on the other side of the darkness? 
Would you believe there is hope for you too?

I know you feel alone and hopeless, but hope is alive and available to you. You are not alone in your thoughts or in your pain.

Many others, like me, have been where you are and have endured hard days to find joy and purpose again.

If you are struggling with thoughts of ending your life, please tell someone immediately.

This world needs you to stay.

Does anyone who has had long term, serious suicidal ideation ever find this sort of thing actually helpful?

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 20:15

GardeningIdiot · 28/07/2023 20:12

Not what you asked, OP, but as you have experienced a very traumatic event l, have you looked into EMDR?

Yes I've had EMDR.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 20:17

I just really really want to go now. I very much feel like I'm done.

OP posts:

Lockupyourbiscuits · 28/07/2023 20:19

Your mum will never get over it - it will also ruin your sister’s life
any other relatives will be affected forever

They will never get over it

They would rather be with you however you feel and you are a very brave person thinking of them

Try and take one day at a time - don’t put pressure on yourself to feel happy or better - u might notice that some days don’t feel so bad

and find a new counsellor - take baby steps
life can be hard but time always moves on and things always change , they never stay the same and good people and things may come into your life

try and think to yourself is there one thing I would like to do next week and then do it - then the next - don’t pressure yourself or look to far ahead

keep yourself safe for your mum for now and talk to her how you feel
give her a chance to be by your side for now

LookingforaRainbow90 · 28/07/2023 20:28

Please don't do it. Your mum will never get over it, she will carry the pain with her every single day of the rest of her life. Please consider how worthy you are to the world, you have so much life left to live and so many great things ahead of you, even though it might not seem like it now. Please don't let your trauma define you, things can and will get better.

Dogsitterwoes · 28/07/2023 20:33

Hi OP.

I'm so sorry your life is so difficult, and it's not fair.

I totally understand why sometimes this can feel like a logical answer...but yes, your Mum would be devestated despite any explanation.

Is your condition CRPS? GPs are usually shite with this - you need to get on to a trial treatment.

IloveJudgeJudy · 28/07/2023 20:38

Hi, I’m very sorry you’re feeling like this.

Please call Papyrus 0800 068 4141 .

Also, may I ask how long your EMDR course was? DD had some EMDR counselling which worked really well in her case.

Please don’t ever think it won’t get better.

You are in my thoughts and I’ll be checking in with you tomorrow.

My first time ever of giving anyone at all on her, an unmumsnetty 🤗

QforCucumber · 28/07/2023 20:39

2 of my friends have ended their own lives, one of them his mother found him - this was 7 years ago, she has other children but it has absolutely never ever left her and never will.

do your friends and family know you feel this way? We all just wish our friend had spoken out. So he could have seen how loved he was.

ending your life isn’t an easy get out clause for the things you are feeling, it just moves those feelings to those closest around you, the pain and suffering transfers to those who care for you the most.
It stops your life absolutely and completely - it doesn’t carry on but pain free.

herbygarden · 28/07/2023 20:43

No OP, as a parent I would never recover in any way whatsoever. A family member took his own life a few years ago and his close family are broken by it, it has truly ruined their lives and they miss him every minute of every day. Please hold onto hope, there is always hope for a better day. Please keep pushing for more help. One day I very much hope you find happiness but for now try to stay strong for your Mum.

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 20:44

QforCucumber · 28/07/2023 20:39

2 of my friends have ended their own lives, one of them his mother found him - this was 7 years ago, she has other children but it has absolutely never ever left her and never will.

do your friends and family know you feel this way? We all just wish our friend had spoken out. So he could have seen how loved he was.

ending your life isn’t an easy get out clause for the things you are feeling, it just moves those feelings to those closest around you, the pain and suffering transfers to those who care for you the most.
It stops your life absolutely and completely - it doesn’t carry on but pain free.

I've thought about trying to see if I can arrange a hit man for my own death so that my mum wouldn't have to live with me having committed suicide but I don't know how you find such people.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 28/07/2023 20:45

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 19:09

I'd like to end my life and have felt like this for a long time but I know my mum would be very upset. If you're a mum, I'd like your opinion. If I write her a letter explaining that I couldn't continue a life of pain and torture and I will be at peace and wont suffer anymore, do you think that in time she will be able to accept this and she would be okay? As opposed to her watching me feel suicidal forever which causes her pain every day.

My friend had a letter like that. I've never witnessed anyone as distraught at a funeral ever, couldn't even get into the church for ages. So no, I don't think as a mother you would accept it.

What help are you receiving with your mental health OP?

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 20:45

herbygarden · 28/07/2023 20:43

No OP, as a parent I would never recover in any way whatsoever. A family member took his own life a few years ago and his close family are broken by it, it has truly ruined their lives and they miss him every minute of every day. Please hold onto hope, there is always hope for a better day. Please keep pushing for more help. One day I very much hope you find happiness but for now try to stay strong for your Mum.

I have held on for 15 or 16 years but it's a long time to hold on without anything getting better. I can't live the next 15 years like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 20:47

RedHelenB · 28/07/2023 20:45

My friend had a letter like that. I've never witnessed anyone as distraught at a funeral ever, couldn't even get into the church for ages. So no, I don't think as a mother you would accept it.

What help are you receiving with your mental health OP?

Show quote history

I have a counsellor for an hour weekly. That's it. gp offers nothing apart from endless prescriptions of medications that don't help.

OP posts:

MNHQ

ImaniMumsnet · 28/07/2023 20:47

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.

Gymmum82 · 28/07/2023 20:52

She would never recover. All of the pain you are feeling would pass on to her. Please don’t do it.
You can get better but you do need to believe that you can

wp65 · 28/07/2023 20:52

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your suffering. It sounds as if you've shown great courage to have made it this far. Five antidepressants is a lot of course, but actually also not a lot to have tried for someone with treatment resistant depression. There may be more options. Have you seen a decent psychiatrist, and seen one recently? I'm sorry if that sounds glib. I don't mean it that way.

namechange998 · 28/07/2023 20:59

I have been where you are. The only things that stopped me doing the thing were my children and I was so so angry with them (not that they knew any of it) because I had to keep going through this anguish because of them. I was so angry that I couldn't be free of pain because I had to once again put them before me. I am in a bit better place now. I know I would have destroyed their lives if I had left them. If they did it to me, no matter if they said it wasn't my fault, it would kill me. I wouldn't survive. There have been interviews with people who have survived doing it and nearly every one said as soon as they had done it they regretted it. Better days are coming. Please hold on, it will get easier. Not tomorrow but one day. Please just keep going.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 28/07/2023 21:02

You would be just transferring all your pain to your mum if you ended your life x
No mother wants to outlive their children and if you were my daughter I'd absolutely break x
Please reach out for more help and support xx

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 28/07/2023 21:02

I've just laid down in a field, watched the clouds and cried feeling like you.

Original poster

Inneedofaholiday22 · 28/07/2023 21:04

eatdrinkandbemerry · 28/07/2023 21:02

You would be just transferring all your pain to your mum if you ended your life x
No mother wants to outlive their children and if you were my daughter I'd absolutely break x
Please reach out for more help and support xx

There isn't more help and support. It doesn't exist.

OP posts:

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 28/07/2023 21:13

No, it's beyond comprehension and would be impossible to get over. Please seek more help. I do understand that you've tried and you're tired but people love you and life is worth living. Thinking of you.

Fitrix29 · 28/07/2023 21:18

Whattodowithit88 · 28/07/2023 19:24

Why are you in misery and distress?
Are you disabled? Are you in pain? Do you have experience of a horrible event?

Why is this something that cannot be over come?

Would you ask someone who had terminal cancer what caused it and why they thought it was terminal? I think you’re massively misunderstanding depression and mental health problems. Depression doesn’t have to be caused by something, or a reaction to something, and in fact it usually isn’t. And people with mental health issues can’t think themselves better any more than someone with a broken leg can, regardless of how unjustified or illogical you might think their feelings are.

Prinnny · 28/07/2023 21:19

Mental health services are shit. Does your mum know how serious you are about this?

My DH was/is in a really bad place, scarred by childhood trauma, he’s spoken about suicide, at first I was angry and horrified
but over time, after every failed GP appointment and new drug or talking therapy I could see how much he was in pain and said if he couldn’t fight any longer I wouldn’t be mad, I just wanted him to be at peace and happy whether that’s in this world or not. I think hearing that made him felt heard. Thankfully he’s still fighting his battle but I see how hard it is everyday so I admire you OP for keeping going.