I think I made a mistake in the way I cut off a covert narcissistic man

[wondergal25]

I was romantically involved with a guy I suspect is a covert narcissist for a short time. I could no longer take the gaslighting, controlling behavior, manipulation, superiority complex, jealously of my accomplishments, etc

I snapped, probably the reaction he wanted me to have.

I’m not sure I handle it the right way but after meeting him on Sunday night and pretty much was gaslighted,ignored and talked down to I had to stand up for myself. Unfortunately, he was baiting me to open up to him emotionally which I did unfortunately and told him about my traumatic childhood.

I sent a very direct text the next morning calling out his narcissism and pointing out all his insecurities (no judgment please ). Nothing was off limits. He’s insecure about his income as a scientist, his looks, his penis size, his status, his social awkwardness, that he doesn’t measure up, his body, everything! I mentioned he wasn’t special and that he’s not great.

That he’s not more intelligent or more deserving and that he doesn’t deserve my kindness or anyone’s.

I told him to lose my number and that I would do the same, if we see each other in public I asked him not to speak to me. Finally, I wrote “Good Riddance”.

I’m going no contact now but he texted back an hour later. I should have blocked his number right after I sent my text but it is now.

What are your thoughts on the below text? I want to know because this is my first time dealing with this behavior and need to recognize it for next time if it happens. I absolutely cannot go through this again.

This is what he wrote:

“Wow!!! Now that's something! I was not expecting to wake up to this! 😆 I suspect someday you may look back at this message and cringe, but for now, I hope your catharsis has brought you the relief you were looking for.

I don't know what dark place these petty insults are coming from, but in spite of your best efforts and rhetorical fury, I can't say I feel particularly threatened or offended.

Before I inflate my mountainous ego and sail off into the great expanse, I do want to return the favor and regale you with my thoughts. I hope you're ready because this may not be easy for you to hear.

You're right, no one is special, not even me. And while I may not be "deserving of your kindness" your are still deserving of mine. In parting, I want to wish you the best. I think you're intelligent and hard working. I'm not at all envious of your accomplishments, rather I admire them. I hope your income (which is almost certainly larger than my meager pittances) grows even larger. I hope your books are successful and bring to fruition the fulfillment of a childhood dream.

I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered. Loosing loved ones in senseless acts of violence, what happened to you as a child... it's horrible and deeply unfair. I'm sorry for the psychological pain you experience and the mental health struggles you endure. I've seen the scars of these struggles across the souls of dear friends... and my mother. I hope you find a wonderful therapist who can help lead you out of these treacherous terrains, so that you can become even more successful, earn even more money than me... but most importantly - find your happiness in whatever form your desire it. Also, if I've caused you pain, it was inadvertent and I apologize.

So, with peace in my heart, I think it's time to end this precarious text exchange and whatever tenuous relationship it symbolizes. You're welcome to question the authenticity of my sentiments, I can't control what you think nor the conclusions at which your mind arrives. But my words are sincere. When I do my "love and kindness" meditation, you will still make an appearance.

Goodbye Judy. I wish you success in your endeavors and a great life. “

Nothing about that message screams narcissist, pompous twat maybe. You should have had more dignity than this, what did you hope to gain by belittling someone like that? Hold your head up and walk away, dont stoop.

Very damaging to insult things outside of peoples abilities to change, i.e. appendage size etc. Actually quite cruel.

Do not reply, block the number and consider how you treat people moving forward. This has not been your finest hour im afraid.

Absolutely this. I can't believe you had a go at his income and the size of his penis! Not only is it unutterably cruel to use someone's insecurities against them, but you've managed to lose all dignity too.
His reply is calm and measured and I wanted to clap when I read it.

Whilst the op was daft and perhaps even vindictive to send that message to that bloke, narcissists are really really clever at manipulating and making other people lose their shit once they have received their supply of narcissistic oxygen.

Just because his response seems measured doesn't mean he isn't a total twat or indeed a narcissist. None of us would know.

Anyway, next time op, just say thanks but no thanks. All the best.

It happens. Block the number and let it go. Trust your instinct when you met him.

He sounds like ChatGPT.

In an ideal world your text would have been a brief message to say you were ending things. But to give you the benefit of doubt it sounds like he led you up the garden path to the point that you lost control. That's what they do. His message was just trying to get the final say, belittle you once more and make you feel like the fault is all with you. Block and move on.

He sounds pompous, it’s not really possible for us to tell whether there’s more to it.

Block and move on and be thankful that this relationship is no more, if it was truly that bad. Trust your instincts.

For some reason I believe this is completely made up.
But if it's real, that guy is smooth as fuck.

But you're not coming across well in this whole thing OP. Clearly he's not for you and it's time to move on but covert narcissist? Doesn't seem that way. Just seems as fond of too many adjectives and metaphors as ChatGPT is.

I'm wondering if he's single. 😊😅

This.

Well it’s clear you should get back with the covert narcissist! He sounds enlightened and maybe a match of minds. He has a think or two to teach you.

I think you have to live and learn. I heard someone say that the behaviour is enough to end any relationships and I totally agree with that.

Plenty of people have various pathological behaviours that I wouldn’t want to spend too much time around and your guy clearly fell right into that category as it would drain the bloody life out of me but they aren’t all narcissists.

The key learning here is that when someone’s behaviour is wrecking your head just detach and distance yourself from them and just let them be themselves.

A quick message to him that this is not working for me but I wish you well would have done here and cost you the least amount of negative emotional energy in dealing with it.

I quite like the sound of him tbh.
But there’s nothing to say. You’ve broken up with him. Move on.

Reading with an open mind, he's been very generous and taken your really rather nasty insults astonishingly well. Only you can tell if that's genuinely the case.

However, I will admit I am cynical, and obviously, we've never met the guy. But if he is as much of an arsehole as you say he is, then this could be read as a very calculated manipulative way to leave things off with him looking like the good guy, and you looking slightly unhinged.

'Look at all the awful things she said to me, and look at how generous and nice I was in response. Clearly, I'm not the bad guy here.'

There are a couple of veiled digs in there, not knowing what dark place this came from etc etc which allude to you not being in a good place when you made the decision to message him as you did, suggesting you're clearly not thinking right. And he directly references your mental health, reminding you he knows things about you which make you vulnerable. 'Poor op, clearly troubled...' And he reminds you that he will continue to think of you, which could be nice or could be creepy. 'You're in my mind, and you have no control over that...'

The whole thing has put you very neatly onto the back foot. It's very disarming.

But again, I am very cynical.

He’s very articulate. Just leave it.

He’s quite clever, you threw insults, he’s come back with an ‘I wish you well’. He’s played it well. Just leave it. You don’t like him anyway.

a]Were you drunk when you sent your text?
b} it would have been better not to go into detail. A quick 'sorry it's not working for me'.

You certainly haven’t covered yourself in glory here and from your description neither has he. Consider it a lucky escape from a toxic situation. Penis size is a very low blow and I would think about how to control your reactions to these situations in the future.

I think you went low so he decided to go high. Forget about it and move on.

His response is simply about control because he doesn’t know how to feel when someone calls out his deepest pain/shame/insecurity which is what you did, albeit clumsily (no judgement here btw x)

A normal person would have been really hurt / asked for clarity / confused / rejected / cried a bit / chippy / defensive at the kind of shit you said to him but he didn’t.

He did the opposite. Because he’s not normal.

He took a hold of the tiller, calmly changed tack, put on a wise and patient face then retaliated by destroying you ….. but better, because he will also be doing his LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION 🤣

OP, whilst your text may have been well off the mark, I bet it’s not your usual way of communicating with people. If it was you probably wouldn’t be posting about it here.

I’m putting my money on OP being slowly and subtly backed into an invisible corner / gaslit and then finally exploded - which is what people do when they feel trapped.

Now, you’ve done that exploding hurtful text … but got a massively off-script response so thinking what the actual fuck has happened there then??

Ignore that self doubt. If you don’t you’re getting sucked back in. Walk away from this one.

relationships like these can feel like being suffocated by something invisible.
but; when you ‘see’ it or the scales fall, the explosive response can exceed what is proportionate and that rage is often a strong protective front for fear / shame / sadness etc.

But anyway my point being …. when that explosion towards a covert narcissist happens, the response will be EXACTLY like the one he gave you ☝️

actually it’s a pretty stunning example which made me choke on my coffee laughing this morning which is why I’m posting.

Like my ex husband, this guy has a smattering of good vocab, believes his own hype, maybe listened to a podcast about empathy / trauma / attachment style, prob has a few meditation practices under his belt and talks like someone kind and intelligent.

his self assuredness and ‘empathy’ are alluring and making you doubt yourself. His deeds will likely never match his words so just keep walking.

Mine was ex-public boarding school. Turned him into the worlds most charming, kind, sensitive and trusted chameleon and shape-shifter whose deeds never matched his words.

Funnily enough he also thought of me during his loving kindness meditation. No joke, he posted about it on insta so ….

But basically though - if in the orbit of someone like this - don’t give them your emotions/ vulnerabilities because they’ll take them and flip it so it will look nice, shiny and cherished but you will end up feeling like a crazy unhinged fucker.

sorry for rambling on so long x

Agree with the above poster that while the ex’s response on the face of it sounds v reasonable and patient, my personal opinion is that it does hint at someone a bit manipulative - I doubt he really feels all love and kindness towards you, he just wanted to get one up by coming off as the bigger person and perhaps hoping to annoy you a bit – plus not give you the satisfaction of thinking you’d hit a nerve in any way.

Just block and move on, and try not to throw mean insults in future – you’ve completely lost the moral high ground here.

You wanted a response otherwise you would have sent a more abrupt message and blocked him straight away. No point getting all analytical over his message back.

My life has been so, so much better since I retired from my medal-winning career in Last Word Olympics.

Draw a line under it. Consciously choose not to think about the relationship.

He sounds smart, the message was designed to provoke a specific feeling of confusion/doubt. You sound like you went OTT on the insults but it's done now. Something about him made you feel vulnerable, you could feel alot better with good therapy.