I think I made a mistake in the way I cut off a covert narcissistic man

[wondergal25]

I was romantically involved with a guy I suspect is a covert narcissist for a short time. I could no longer take the gaslighting, controlling behavior, manipulation, superiority complex, jealously of my accomplishments, etc

I snapped, probably the reaction he wanted me to have.

I’m not sure I handle it the right way but after meeting him on Sunday night and pretty much was gaslighted,ignored and talked down to I had to stand up for myself. Unfortunately, he was baiting me to open up to him emotionally which I did unfortunately and told him about my traumatic childhood.

I sent a very direct text the next morning calling out his narcissism and pointing out all his insecurities (no judgment please ). Nothing was off limits. He’s insecure about his income as a scientist, his looks, his penis size, his status, his social awkwardness, that he doesn’t measure up, his body, everything! I mentioned he wasn’t special and that he’s not great.

That he’s not more intelligent or more deserving and that he doesn’t deserve my kindness or anyone’s.

I told him to lose my number and that I would do the same, if we see each other in public I asked him not to speak to me. Finally, I wrote “Good Riddance”.

I’m going no contact now but he texted back an hour later. I should have blocked his number right after I sent my text but it is now.

What are your thoughts on the below text? I want to know because this is my first time dealing with this behavior and need to recognize it for next time if it happens. I absolutely cannot go through this again.

This is what he wrote:

“Wow!!! Now that's something! I was not expecting to wake up to this! 😆 I suspect someday you may look back at this message and cringe, but for now, I hope your catharsis has brought you the relief you were looking for.

I don't know what dark place these petty insults are coming from, but in spite of your best efforts and rhetorical fury, I can't say I feel particularly threatened or offended.

Before I inflate my mountainous ego and sail off into the great expanse, I do want to return the favor and regale you with my thoughts. I hope you're ready because this may not be easy for you to hear.

You're right, no one is special, not even me. And while I may not be "deserving of your kindness" your are still deserving of mine. In parting, I want to wish you the best. I think you're intelligent and hard working. I'm not at all envious of your accomplishments, rather I admire them. I hope your income (which is almost certainly larger than my meager pittances) grows even larger. I hope your books are successful and bring to fruition the fulfillment of a childhood dream.

I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered. Loosing loved ones in senseless acts of violence, what happened to you as a child... it's horrible and deeply unfair. I'm sorry for the psychological pain you experience and the mental health struggles you endure. I've seen the scars of these struggles across the souls of dear friends... and my mother. I hope you find a wonderful therapist who can help lead you out of these treacherous terrains, so that you can become even more successful, earn even more money than me... but most importantly - find your happiness in whatever form your desire it. Also, if I've caused you pain, it was inadvertent and I apologize.

So, with peace in my heart, I think it's time to end this precarious text exchange and whatever tenuous relationship it symbolizes. You're welcome to question the authenticity of my sentiments, I can't control what you think nor the conclusions at which your mind arrives. But my words are sincere. When I do my "love and kindness" meditation, you will still make an appearance.

Goodbye Judy. I wish you success in your endeavors and a great life. “

You don’t come out well in this post to be honest!

Sounds like it’s all wrapped up, just move on and forget.

You didn't like him, you broke up, there is literally nothing left to do but move on, and don't let yourself get so dramatic next time.

I sent a very direct text the next morning calling out his narcissism and pointing out all his insecurities (no judgment please ). Nothing was off limits.

You can judge him on basically everything, (penis size? Really?), yet we can't judge you? Interesting.

You come off very, very badly in all this, I'm afraid. If he's that bad, you certainly stooped to his level, and down a few more pegs, honestly.

Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a text from a ‘narcissist’…. Other posters are correct, you come across badly in this thread.

You were really nasty and let yourself down

Well he sounds a bit pompous but yeah, you've really made an arse of yourself there, love.

Was he a narcissist? What led you to this conclusion?

■♤><these treacherous terrains♤■{> Good Lord, the pompous police is on its way.

You sent a nasty text outright offending him, which, a tad pointless if your goal was to get rid of him because you're just prolonging this interaction.

He sent a nasty text back going ad nauseam about your private life. It's well nasty but it's covert because he's trying to make hinself better than you, but really isn't, because good people don't use your deep-seated traumas as ammo.

If he was that nice, he wouldn't have responded and mentioned 《■□treacherous terrains♤>{|~

Ah well, he loves his adjectives 🤢

This.

He was just getting the last word in. You were mean too by the sound of it. Just know that would have taken him the entire hour write.

Each of you have said what you feel and where you are coming from.
I think this is a pretty healthy way to end your relationship. Hopefully both of you will take something worthwhile from this relationship and be 'better' in the next one.

I sent a very direct text the next morning calling out his narcissism and pointing out all his insecurities (no judgment please ). Nothing was off limits. He’s insecure about his income as a scientist, his looks, his penis size, his status, his social awkwardness, that he doesn’t measure up, his body, everything! I mentioned he wasn’t special and that he’s not great.

I suspect neither of you should be in a relationship. The above is awful. You may believe it's deserved but regardless, it's awful.

Your behaviour was appalling and unnecessary. His was dignified but clearly designed to be so.

Move on. You may well have made an enormous fuck up but this ship has sailed now. There is no need for any response nor any further communication at all.

You should have simply texted that this wasn't working for you, all the best and take care.

Stop analyzing it. It's done. Block him now.
He sounds like an absolute twat though, what ridiculous language... I can see that he could be a gas-lighting narcissist from that definitely.

I wouldn't imagine a true narcissist would write that and it sounds like your message was much worse. Either way you weren't suited, you've both had your say. Draw a line under it and move on.

This.

delete and move on please

and yes get some therapy to

Sounds like your message was horrible and I have no idea why you couldn't have just texted saying it isn't working for you.

He's clearly a pompous arse and maybe he is a narc but you come across as an arsehole too.

We don’t know what he had been saying or doing to the OP though to trigger the original text.

Yes, it would have been dignified to just walk away without saying your piece but maybe some of it was justified to call him out.

His message does sound like a narcissist to me - making you question yourself and your actions.

He definitely wanted the last word😂

He sounds totally insufferable- you are well rid!

Move on from this, try not to give it any more headspace.

We can all act bad when pushed and lash out saying horrible things but often it only makes us feel worse and that’s maybe the lesson to be learned here X

His message was perfectly pleasant, yours obviously not so much so I think he was being very generous in his response

You’ve shown us the message he sent, but not the one you sent. I wonder why that is?

I don’t think he’s the “narcissist.”

Agreed. I’m sorry OP but you seem to be seeing yourself reflected in others.

That's not a narcissistic response. It is the response of someone who has just realised the person they were dealing with is cruel and nuts, so he now feels superior and is being pompously generous in his reply to disguise how hurt he was to get such an unexpected attack.

You don't sound well suited.

I agree, I think you made a mistake. From what you’ve written your text sounds unkind and unnecessary. You could just have told him that you didn’t see the relationship going anywhere and were breaking it off. No need for all the nastiness.

His message was generous, if a little pompous and long-winded. Your account of what you said (and I agree it’s significant you didn’t post your own message) sounds vindictive and deeply unpleasant. I suspect you posted because you’re cross he didn’t hit back with a message as nasty as yours, making you feel at fault.

And hold the ‘covert narcissist’ pop psychology nonsense. You get to end relationships without pathologising the other person.