Husband can't cope with his birthdays and hates receiving gifts

[Mangojuice99]

Don't know if this is the right topic to post on but looking for advice or anyone who feels similar to my husband who can help me understand better.
I have been with my husband for over 20 years, we have spent out whole adult lives together. He is such a kind person to others and makes a fuss of people for their birthday/special occasion and buys lovely thoughtful gifts.
But he cannot bare a fuss being made of him and he doesn't like to receive gifts. I respect this and do as he says. Some people don't like attention etc and I have never done anything to make him feel uncomfortably, the whole family know how he feels. No-one has ever thrown him a surprise party of anything like that to trigger such strong feelings.
Over the past few years he has got worse and worse to the point where he would leave the house for the duration of his birthday choosing to work away sometimes in another country or just leaving the house before we get up and not coming back until we go to bed.
Since covid he has to wfh now so doesn't have the opportunity to be out all day. Again, we never make a fuss. Last year he wasn't feeling great (depression & undiagnosed possibly bipolar) and in the run up to his birthday he really went downhill.
This year is a significant birthday and I am really worried how he is going to be this time around. We've already spoken about it a few times. I've tried to reassure him.
For fathers day this year the kids gave him a couple of small gifts, a glass and a Toblerone. The glass he has refused to use and the Toblerone he won't eat because he "doesn't do gifts ". He also made me give gifts back to mum last year that she had bought him.
I find all of this quite extreme. It also makes me feel very sad as the only reason I can come up with why he does this is a form of self punishment and he must think so little of himself that he feels he doesn't deserve a fuss from people?
Can anyone help me understand this? It hurts the kids feelings to see him not use gifts etc

I feel for you, your kids and your husband here.
Birthdays can be weird anxiety-inducing days for some of us. But I also understand why this is very hard for you and your children too.
I think maybe you could get the pleasure of knowing you're gifting him by respecting his wishes. That would be his gift from you. Then hopefully you could all be happier about it.
I'm super sensitive on my birthday. I've got OCD, and get very upset if anything unpleasant happens on the day. I don't like a fuss, but do like to make sure the day is harmless and peaceful, with nice things said to me etc.
I turned 40 three weeks ago tomorrow, and my brother-in-law upset me terribly. He teased me, and got defensive and angry with me when I got upset. He'd been drinking, and really didn't respect my wishes at all. I'm still very upset, and it's actually triggered a depression a bit. The feeling of not having my wishes respected for just one day has made me feel wretched.
So please please respect your husband's wishes, for all your sakes. I really hope it goes well for you all. Take care x

Dd15 next week is like this! She is autistic and most definitely contracted to this. I think because of the unexpected. Doesn’t know what her presents will be etc. she finds christmas easier to deal with. However her birthday is next week and she is pretty difficult to contain at the moment. I used to take her shopping with me for birthday presents so she new what she would get but she wouldn’t use the presents. I have waited so much money trying to get it right. The last couple of years was money - but she wouldn’t spend it on anything other than going out with friends. Likely this dd has OCD but it won’t be considered by CAMHS because of her autism (rather ironically same CAMHS is considering it for younger dd who is also autistic - go figure!).

anyway, I still haven’t figured out how to manage the situation. I am trying to remove the element of surprise, but it still disappoints her. She is getting a new iPhone this year. She doesn’t want to know, but she does. She asks us if we have brought it yet, either saying yes or no doesn’t make her happy. The test is if she uses the phone when she gets it!

People saying they also don't like their birthdays, fair enough. But would you also refuse to eat a bar of chocolate your children bought you for mothers day?
That for me signals that this is more than just not liking birthdays.

This is so extreme and points to deeper and clearly unresolved issues, that appear to be worsening.

The Father’s Day refusal to use gifts is really, really weird.

Could it be that he hates to be reminded of his birthday because it is a reminder of his getting older and closer to old age and death? I am birthday-phobic myself, mainly for that reason.

Also, even if you have co-operated with his wish not to have his birthday marked, perhaps others have put pressure on him, making his distress worse?

Or did something traumatic happen on a previous birthday?