Husband can't cope with his birthdays and hates receiving gifts

[Mangojuice99]

Don't know if this is the right topic to post on but looking for advice or anyone who feels similar to my husband who can help me understand better.
I have been with my husband for over 20 years, we have spent out whole adult lives together. He is such a kind person to others and makes a fuss of people for their birthday/special occasion and buys lovely thoughtful gifts.
But he cannot bare a fuss being made of him and he doesn't like to receive gifts. I respect this and do as he says. Some people don't like attention etc and I have never done anything to make him feel uncomfortably, the whole family know how he feels. No-one has ever thrown him a surprise party of anything like that to trigger such strong feelings.
Over the past few years he has got worse and worse to the point where he would leave the house for the duration of his birthday choosing to work away sometimes in another country or just leaving the house before we get up and not coming back until we go to bed.
Since covid he has to wfh now so doesn't have the opportunity to be out all day. Again, we never make a fuss. Last year he wasn't feeling great (depression & undiagnosed possibly bipolar) and in the run up to his birthday he really went downhill.
This year is a significant birthday and I am really worried how he is going to be this time around. We've already spoken about it a few times. I've tried to reassure him.
For fathers day this year the kids gave him a couple of small gifts, a glass and a Toblerone. The glass he has refused to use and the Toblerone he won't eat because he "doesn't do gifts ". He also made me give gifts back to mum last year that she had bought him.
I find all of this quite extreme. It also makes me feel very sad as the only reason I can come up with why he does this is a form of self punishment and he must think so little of himself that he feels he doesn't deserve a fuss from people?
Can anyone help me understand this? It hurts the kids feelings to see him not use gifts etc

I don't know. Maybe he feels awkward doing the happy face that we have to do when we get presents? But anyway I don't understand why you are forcing him to conform to your way of doing things.

You should have a chat with him and say something like "you won't get any presents this year and we won't mark it because I think that's how you'd prefer it. Is that right? Ok. But still know that I love you tonnes and I'm only going to ignore your birthday because that's what is right for you, not because I don't love you."

Does he feel like he doesn't deserve presents?

Does he hate being given things he is not expecting?

I hate presents. It’s because I’m quite fussy and minimalist, and I don’t like having to have things which I don’t want and wouldn’t have chosen (which is 99% of what I receive).

Out of social necessity I smile and say thank you, while plotting how soon I can get rid of it. But it feels such a waste, and also that the person benefiting is the giver, despite it being my birthday!

My husband is lovely and is happy to take very, very exact instructions.

My goodness, just say "you know dad doesn't really like gifts and it's important to not force what we like onto other people" and leave it at that. It's a lesson in respecting other people's boundaries. People are allowed to want to do things differently and to like different things.

When my depression was at its worst I hated receiving gifts, because I didn't think I deserved them, I thought so very little of myself I didn't understand why people wanted to buy me gifts. So it could be depression related.

For the last 7 years I've hated my birthday because it coincided with my dad going into hospital, and eventually dying so something could have possibly happened around his birthday and anyone celebrating it brings it all back.

Or he genuinely doesn't like a fuss being made of things like birthdays, some people don't like the fuss.

I do find the fathers day gift one sad though.

Refusing to use a glass or eat a Toblerone (assuming he would eat a Toblerone in other circumstances) because they're somehow 'tainted' by being gifts, is beyond a 'normal' range of aversion to birthdays etc. Is it the same at Christmas? How is he around other people when they receive gifts?

Stop the kids buying him gifts, and don't pass on any that people give to you. You have control over gift-giving but not his reaction to the day of his birthday.

Is he seeking professional help for his mental health?

My partner is the same, although not quite as extreme, he will use what he's given. But he will avoid opening presents or do it secretly when no one is around 😂

I think In my partners case is he had a rough upbringing and was always alone to fend for himself.. he finds affection hard to accept. He feels he will only have a family if he "earns" us. So he thinks if he provides we won't leave, therefore with gifts he feels undeserving and that we have one upped him.

This ^^

I don't like receiving gifts or having a fuss made. Everyone seems to have such a tough time respecting that. I now end up with anxiety on the run up to my birthday because every year people decide to give me gifts and cards despite repeatedly asking them not to.
They will make jokes like 'A card for no particular reason ;-)' which isn't what I want. I try to just smile polity, but it is getting worse for me every year.
I'm not depressed, it isn't that I feel I'm undeserving.

Also rather than gifts I find writing a heartfelt message in a card effective. To convey our appreciation and love for him in that way rather than a present way x

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. I also dislike gifts, and if there's something I want/need I'd rather get it for myself. But what I really dislike is having to dispose of gifts I don't want - even trivial plastic tat acquires too much meaning to me through the act of gifting. It would be easier if you can gain an understanding of why your husband has an issue with birthdays and gifts, but this relies on him understanding the issue and being willing to discuss it. My birthday treat to myself is a weekday out on my own, and has been for most of my adult life. I also have a significant birthday coming up and what I'd really like to do is take 2-3 days and nights out on my own to mark it - but I know that can come across as a bit odd to family/loved ones and as a rejection of their company.

With a significant birthday coming up and knowing how your husband is likely to feel about it, you need to plan ahead. It is not a slight on you or your DC if he doesn't want a gift or a fuss. If you know he's likely to want to take himself away for a couple of days, plan it in advance so you know where he's going and for how long. Let him know you accept this is the way he is.

I had my birthday, it reminds me of the day my bitch of a mother gave birth. @MidgeMainCourse has great advice.

*hate

Respecting his wishes is best. This is how he feels. Many other people do as well.

How does he feel about you and your dc's birthdays?

I feel a little like this. I don't celebrate my birthday, I hate surprises and gifts. I feel extremely uncomfortable that people have gone to trouble and expense for me. I wouldn't tell people when my birthday was. One person was very nosy and determined I should behave on my birthday as she felt I should. We are no longer friends.

So imagine that your husband insisted on treating your birthday, the way he likes to have his - no fuss, no presents, no acknowledgment. You'd be very hurt. It's his birthday and so of course he should choose.

That said, of course with children it's far more complicated and maybe some compromise could be reached. Can you make it so that there's a Dad's Birthday Outing - but it's to somewhere the kids choose, and if that's too much maybe he doesn't even need to come. So maybe to the cinema or a restaurant or something.

I would ask him if there's a charity or fund he'd be happy to ask people to put money into, instead of what they might spend on gifts. Everybody wins - he hasn't had the pressure of acceptinv gifts, people feel like they've done something, and a charity benefits.

I get the birthday thing, I am dreading mine more and more each year the older I get, but I don't understand why he would refuse Father's Day presents.

I don't enjoy receiving gifts either. I feel stressed and overwhelmed at the thought of having to deal with excess stuff that I don't really want. I compromise and suggest inexpensive consumable things like chocolate (which I'm not really bothered about, but can easily share with DH or a friend).

As a compromise, could you suggest the kids make him a card but not get a gift? Maybe arrange a day out not on his birthday, but tell the kid's that's his birthday gift.

I don't think some of you are understanding the extremes he goes to, its not normal.
As I said we have never made a fuss ever . But I don't see why he can't accept a small gift from his own children and push past those feelings. To hear him refuse to use/eat them I find strange, ungrateful and rude.
I've written this post because of how extreme about it he is. I am very, very concerned about him in this run up to his 40th. Because of the mental health problems he's going through and awaiting a diagnosis it adds a lot of worry on to me . I've got visions of him going missing or something this year and I don't think that's fair on those around him if he's willing to cause worry to other people just to get out a birthday

I don't see why he can't accept a small gift from his own children and push past those feelings.

He can't, doesn't matter that you can't see why. You can't say he's not made it abundantly clear, so stop doing it. No gifts. It's not going to scar your kids forever. They can show their love in other ways day to day without birthdays ever being a thing for dad.

You are trying to control and may be contributing to his issues, why can he not be left to deal with it himself?

I don't know what answers you are looking for, if he wants help he should get that otherwise take a step back

You believe it isn't normal because it isn't how you would react.
I would be going to more and more extremes if my wishes were consistently ignored too.

But I don't see why he can't accept a small gift from his own children and push past those feelings. To hear him refuse to use/eat them I find strange, ungrateful and rude. At the moment he's not mentally well enough to able to, so I think it's sensible to not set the kids up for disappointment and just avoid buying gifts. Recovering from metal health issues is similar to getting physically healthy and trying to do too much too soon is only going to backfire. At the moment, accepting a gift from his children probably feels like running a marathon (as daft as that may seem to us).

You're likely right that it does stem from some kind of self punishment; hopefully with some therapy he may get to the point where he can accept a small gift, but he'll need help and time to get there. As you say, his reaction is very extreme, but he needs to be the one to seek help dealing with his emotional responses to birthdays. In the meantime, all you can do is try to talk to him and find out if there's anything in particular you can do to help make these occasions easier for him.

It must be extremely worrying and difficult with this year being a significant birthday for him. I think you probably need to just agree with him ahead of time that you're not going to acknowledge the day as a family, but that you can't control what people outside the household do and say. Tell him you're worried he'll go missing and ask him to come up with a plan if he feels like disappearing, such as reaching out to his therapist.

@Mangojuice99 - how is he about giving gifts? Does he participate with giving presents to the children at Christmas and birthdays? Does he understand that other people like celebrating birthdays/special occasions with gifts - and if so, can he put into words why he understands gift giving in general, but doesn't want it for himself? Maybe understanding why he feels this way would help you cope with it?

As a previous poster suggested, I think you need to say to him that you accept he doesn't want gifts or any fuss made, and that you and the kids will respect that on this upcoming birthday, but that you'd like to talk to him about ways that you can all show him how much you love him.

I have a friend, a man in his 50s, but not a significant birthday (actually I need to check that!) coming up.

He hates his birthday, he puts it down to the childhood trauma of no one ever turning up for his birthday parties because they were always in school holidays 😪

Your DH's response does seem extreme, but I think you need to go with it. Can't his birthday "treat" be that everyone ignores him for a day?

I don't like receiving gifts but accept gifts from the dc because it matters to them and they're feelings are important, not just mine. I love giving gifts though. It's very common in autism. I've been like this about birthdays and gifts since early childhood.

I don't see why he can't accept a small gift from his own children and push past those feelings. To hear him refuse to use/eat them I find strange, ungrateful and rude

What are you expecting if he's only now going through diagnosis?

It's very unlikely he's going to be miraculously different by the time his birthday rolls around. You're going to have to work with how he is if you want to mitigate the consequences on others (yourself and DC) of his predictable behaviours. He's much less likely to go 'missing' if you've already agreed he's going to take himself away for a couple of days.