Husband can't cope with his birthdays and hates receiving gifts

[Mangojuice99]

Don't know if this is the right topic to post on but looking for advice or anyone who feels similar to my husband who can help me understand better.
I have been with my husband for over 20 years, we have spent out whole adult lives together. He is such a kind person to others and makes a fuss of people for their birthday/special occasion and buys lovely thoughtful gifts.
But he cannot bare a fuss being made of him and he doesn't like to receive gifts. I respect this and do as he says. Some people don't like attention etc and I have never done anything to make him feel uncomfortably, the whole family know how he feels. No-one has ever thrown him a surprise party of anything like that to trigger such strong feelings.
Over the past few years he has got worse and worse to the point where he would leave the house for the duration of his birthday choosing to work away sometimes in another country or just leaving the house before we get up and not coming back until we go to bed.
Since covid he has to wfh now so doesn't have the opportunity to be out all day. Again, we never make a fuss. Last year he wasn't feeling great (depression & undiagnosed possibly bipolar) and in the run up to his birthday he really went downhill.
This year is a significant birthday and I am really worried how he is going to be this time around. We've already spoken about it a few times. I've tried to reassure him.
For fathers day this year the kids gave him a couple of small gifts, a glass and a Toblerone. The glass he has refused to use and the Toblerone he won't eat because he "doesn't do gifts ". He also made me give gifts back to mum last year that she had bought him.
I find all of this quite extreme. It also makes me feel very sad as the only reason I can come up with why he does this is a form of self punishment and he must think so little of himself that he feels he doesn't deserve a fuss from people?
Can anyone help me understand this? It hurts the kids feelings to see him not use gifts etc

What were his childhood birthdays like?

She's literally said that they've never once made a fuss of his birthday so as to respect his wishes.
Also, your mental health going massively downhill in the run up to your birthday is indeed not normal and something a mental health professional should be talking to him about.

Also - you can’t “push past” a mental health problem.

I think you need to respect his wishes and do nothing at all. I wonder if his anxiety is worsened because you keep doing bits so it's the uncertainty. I'd reassure him there will be no mention. Nothing at all. Either prime kids not to mention it or don't tell them when it is. If nothing ever happens on his birthday hopefully in time he will learn to treat it like every other day

And actively shield him from it. So no gifts from family. No visitors on his birthday. Make sure everyone respects his wishes

To hear him refuse to use/eat them I find strange, ungrateful and rude.

That shows a bizarre level of contempt for your own husband. How can you find it rude and ungrateful, if you knew he didn't want gifts in the first place?

I used to hate getting gifts. It took a lot to work on that, and it also took a lot of understanding from the people who wanted to give me gifts - and now, generally, I can cope with them; although I often need people to give me the gifts and wait for me to be able to cope with opening them. I am not good at the performative opening of presents. I feel overwhelmed, and present-giving overall reopens a lot of trauma for me.

You’re undoubtedly right that many others can’t appreciate the extent of this.

As you describe the situation, even to someone with little similar experiences, it sounds much more than “just” not graciously accepting an unwanted gift. Because that’s easily resolved with regifting or a quick trip to a charity shop. The idea that the bar of chocolate is somehow tainted because of it being a birthday gift is the bit the worries me. That’s when logic starts to disappear …. Logically the rest of us are thinking it’s “just” chocolate, or someone “just” wishing to celebrate you, but it doesn’t sound like he’s seeing it that way and no amount of cajoling from you is going to change him.

So I’d have said first step is to manage other people’s expectations now for the upcoming birthday. This more than “silly old Jim not wanting to turn 40”, people in your life will need to accept that his health is more important than their desire to “mark” his birthday. Thats the bit you can help with.

beyond that, it sounds like you’re reliant on something / someone within the health service to actually help with the depression / bipolar etc. Which I fully appreciate is easier said than done.

I hear you OP, it does sound extreme and worsening. There's not liking a thing and that's ok, but genuine distress over a bit of chocolate from the kids must be horrible for all of you, including him. As for what to do about it, that's difficult. I think trying to address it in the run up to his birthday will just increase the pressure on him, perhaps make an arrangement for just you and the kids to out for the day/weekend. This will take the pressure off him and he'll probably be relieved and grateful. Once the pressure is off you can gently see if it's something he would consider talking to someone about, just so he doesn't have to feel horrible all the time (don't make it about you). You don't say too much about the pending diagnosis, but perhaps this can be part of that process. I hope he begins to feel better soon, and I can totally understand why this is so hard for you.

I completely understand that many people feel this way and I respect that.
I also stated that we have never celebrated his birthday and have never done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. We just don't acknowledge it.
But he still does all this extreme behaviour. He is on social media but he turns posting off on his page so no-one on there can wish him happy birthday .

He is an amazing gift giver and loves to spoil people!

My birthday is 4 days after his so he gets nothing/no acknowledgement and then a few days later he's spoiling me and giving me gifts, a meal , a day out etc even a gathering or a party!! But it cannot be for him . It makes me sad

Are you aware of anything in his childhood that may have triggered this reaction? What are his parents like?

My dp hates his birthday too. Always has. But he isn't such a dick to be vile to people-particularly his children-who give him presents. You need to have a serious talk to him about this.

You say your DH is awaiting a Bipolar diagnosis.

Have a look at the Bipolar-Autism venn diagram. Hating receiving gifts is a common autistic trait, because autistic individuals find it hard to react in the ‘expected’ way to the surprise, and struggle to lie if they dislike a present.

I would be very surprised if your DH wasn’t autistic. Take the pressure off his birthdays and just have a nice meal instead.

Just respect his wishes. The only difficulty is with the children, as far as I can see.
I loathe fuss. I dread my birthday. I really don't enjoy presents- it's not so bad at Christmas when I'm not the only focus of attention, but even so, I'm much more comfortable without.

People are being so short sighted here. The extremes he is going to and the fact you have mentioned he struggles with his mental health suggests that there is a root to this somewhere deep. It sounds a bit like gifts and his birthday trigger something for him beyond a normal discomfort of receiving a gift or celebrating your life.
I really struggle in the same way. I can’t handle gifts and I hate my birthday. As a child I was told they wished I was never born. I was given gifts and then they were either taken away from me or smashed on purpose to teach me a lesson for something I did wrong. I was told I didn’t deserve nice things. The idea of having something lovely as a gift terrified me as I worry it will be taken away (trauma response as in reality I know that now that’s not likely to happen but my body and nervous system respond as they have been trained to do and that is to panic and reject). I can’t get my head around the fact that anyone would be glad I’m alive and so people wishing me a happy birthday feels fake even though again it’s a trauma response. I just can’t handle birthdays or gifts.

I would suggest that your husband may have something bigger going on here.

I am just like your husband. I am happy for my birthday to just pass by. As far as I know I have no mental health issues. I’m happy to celebrate other people’s birthdays but prefer mine not to be acknowledged. My adult children wish me a happy birthday but don’t bother with cards or presents at my request. Why should we celebrate being a year closer to death?

OP, I feel exactly like your husband. I find my own birthday excruciating and embarrassing, and it gets worse as I get older. It takes me days to open any cards & presents that arrive in the post. I have spent the last two birthdays on my own - deliberately - and ignored the whole thing. I don't understand what we are supposed to be celebrating, as I have done nothing except breathe in and out for another 365 days.
I have never had any mental health problems, so please don't make this judgement about your husband. It's just his personal preference.
The kindest thing you could do is just respect him and his choices - it's really not a big deal.

My DH is the same, I've just accepted it - it's part of who he is.
I'm not too keen on Birthday Surprises or parties either.
I usually book the day off and do something that I normally don't have time to do...

It doesn't really matter what's behind this. Your DH has what seems to be severe mental health problems, and they've bright this birthday issue to crisis point.

You have to stop trying to work out why, and just recognise that he wants his birthday to be completely ignored. That is the best birthday gift you and your children can give him. THAT'S how you show him he's loved.

I know you can't get your head round it, but that is what he wants. No card, no present, no Happy Birthday greeting. Just an ordinary day with no mention of the date.

If you are genuinely worried that he might do something drastic to avoid it, this is your only hope of preventing that.

Give him the present he wants. And if you have any input with the investigations he's having (my DH's psychologist did contact me to ask how his unexpected breakdown manifested itself, from my perspective) you could mention this element.

Maybe I’m projecting but I really do think this matters. If OP hadn’t already mentioned that her DH had mental health problems then I could go with it just being the way he is and a part of his personality and that she should respect his wishes…but…she specifically states there are mental health issues.
There are little warning signs in people’s behaviour that on their own may be nothing but quite often when put together with the rest of a picture can be really significant. It really does sound like the response to receiving gifts and acknowledging his birthday is a trauma response - a response that seems disproportionate to the event. It’s a response that indicates more than just a dislike. It really is important to build up a picture of what is going on for someone so that you can try to understand it more which will help you to deal with them in a way that is more helpful to them.
Personally I looked to be functioning okay but with little behaviours or ‘quirks’ here and there such as hating birthdays or avoiding certain scenarios and on the inside I was falling apart and ended up trying to end my life. I’m not saying OPs DH will do this…but just don’t brush this off as something you just have to accept.

No-one is brushing this off. Quite the opposite. Which is why I said that OP has to completely remove her own feelings about 'having' to do something to recognise the birthday. This is so worrying that she has to the safest thing, which is to totally ignore what day it is and not make the slightest acknowledgement of what the date is.

And I also said that if it's possible, it's something she should share with those who are assessing his mental health.

@saraclara I wasn’t talking about you. There are lots of other commenters saying just to accept it as who he is.

Seems to me a lot of posters are missing the main point of your post, op.

As youre worried about him doing something drastic this birthday, i think all you can do at the moment is tread lightly, keep a close eye on him and prepare as much as anything.

for example, can you arrange backup childcare so if you need to you can focus entirely on keeping him safe?

You said you've lightly spoken about his birthday this year, what has he said?

Oh gosh he does not sound well at all op . I feel sorry for your kids if they see his reaction to them giving gifts . He defo needs to find help for this , he obviously knows it's not normal and you all shouldn't have to walk on egg shells for something ridiculous as giving a token or gift to someone you love

This. His reaction is wholly bizarre and worrying.