Basically I’m an awful person

[Archeron]

I’m autistic and I struggle to make friends or get hired. My counsellor suggested I have low self esteem and it’s preventing me from trying to make friends or apply for jobs. She told me to write down my good qualities, and to ask people who know me what my good qualities are.

So I asked my mother what are my good qualities? She said none - you’re a whinger and a terrible housewife and I can’t even say you have a good personality because you don’t really. Then she felt guilty and said well I suppose you’re very clever and you love your kids.

Then I asked DH, who said I’m very clever and logical and work to a high standard. But he looked at the long list of positive personal qualities provided by my counsellor and he couldn’t say that any of them apply to me. He even crossed off some positive qualities that I had written down about myself. I said why did you marry me then? He said because you used to be pretty.

Finally I asked my father. He said I’m very clever and organised. But again he couldn't list any good personal qualities. I said why do you like me then? He said because you’re my flesh and blood.

So basically this has just confirmed that I’m an awful person and this is why nobody wants to be my friend or hire me. If my own parents and husband can’t say anything positive about me then what chance do I have.

They are horrible people! It's not you, it's them. Maybe you need to speak to counsellor about the emotional damage caused by these people, no wonder you have low self esteem!

Why did you think you might be kind, OP? What kind things have you done for anyone lately?

I found a hedgehog with a poorly foot and I took it to the vet and paid for its treatment. It take my elderly aunt shopping every week. A lady in the street asked for directions and I didn’t know where it was but I helped her to find it. I helped an acquaintance of my mums who wanted to start a little cake baking business from home, she needed support to do the paperwork. I cooked for my dad because he’s been poorly. I gave my neighbour some of the strawberries I’d grown. Just little things, I’m not Mother Teresa but I try my best.

DH is right, I mostly don’t like to get involved with strangers in case it backfires. But I try to be kind when the opportunity presents itself.

Op you genuinely sound like a kind and decent person x

You sound so lovely OP, don’t be hard on yourself. The things you’ve described doing recently are things not a huge number of people can say they’ve done- I’d be proud of you if you were my daughter.

You sound lovely OP and you try so hard to deal with things like your forgetfulness which speaks volumes about as a person. We all have weaknesses but you are very self aware and try so hard to overcome them, which is an admirable feature that not everyone has. Your husband and mother sound vile ☹️

And I'd be very proud if my daughter grows up to be like you. X

You sound lovely OP - I just want to add that my autistic son can always take what someone says and turn it into the most terrible thing, without being witness to the 3 conversations it’s hard to say if there is an element of that here.

You are surrounded by total twats. I would be very VERY surprised if you were the problem here (based on how you wrote the post, too). Maybe try and surround yourself with different people - meet up groups, try a new hobby, borrow my doggy and meet people out with their dog?

OP you sound kind, self-aware, honest, curious and intelligent. Your assessment by way of recent examples of your own kindness show how thoughtful and measured you are; as well as how kind. Your child has it right. I'm sorry the rest of your family have been so unsupportive.

For your good qualities so far we have:
Clever
Love your kids
Logical
Organised
Self aware
Amazing
Good
Kind
Patient
Generous
Caring
Forgiving
Curios
Brave
Flexible
Ambitious
Creative
Loving
Supportive
Patient
Sensitive
Great
Thoughtful
Beautiful heart
Flexible
Courageous
Considerate
Capable
Honest
Compassionate
Integrity
Fair
Generous
Decent
Resourceful
Measured
Worthy

Honestly op you sound lovely!
I agree with the previous poster -
Don't look to others for your self esteem. Give that gift to yourself.
I appreciate it was an exercise by your therapist though.
Always speak and treat yourself positively - the same way you would be positive with your child.
❤️

You're not awful at all, but it does sound like you're surrounded by some fairly awful people!
Just from reading your post I can tell you are clever, kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. And loving, even your horrible mum accepts you love your children dearly. This is just from a stranger on the Internet though, and I'm sure you have many more positive qualities than these!
It is also a very "neurotypical" list of positives, by the sound of things. You might not tick every box on a list not designed for autistic people, but that doesn't mean you're not nice,and good. The pound coin example just sounds pragmatic to me. I would put a pound coin in my pocket too, it's sensible. It doesn't mean you are untrustworthy at all. I'm sure when you need to honour someone's trust, you do. I think your husband and family are being unkind. And also that the NT list is not designed to understand you and your motivations properly.

You took a hedgehog to the vet and paid for it? ❤️ Beautiful work, how we treat the defenseless is absolutely a mark of who we are, what a kind and selfless act. You are so much more than you believe x

You sound lovely by the way and nicer than about 80% of the people on here. I read your post and thought "I would like to be friends with her".

I'm in team "you're surrounded by arseholes and weirdos" OP.
Being scatty and (as a woman and a mother of a small child) reluctant to put yourself in danger's way, well they're not really moral failings are they.
Your DH sounds a bit odd tbh. NOBODY IS GOING TO GO TO A SUPERMARKET CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK TO TRY TO FIND A LOST POUND COIN. IT IS NOT 1980!
And your Mum... Oh dear.

Good grief, your mum sounds awful! I'm so sorry she said that to you. The fact that you didn't turn round and insult her tells me you are a very tolerant and patient person. You are certainly kind in the way you treated the hedgehog too. I think you should be very proud of yourself for being such a decent person despite having such an unpleasant mother.

You sound kind, humble and generous, with a love of animals, empathy, bravery, tolerance, resilience, and love for your DCs. I'd like to know you. I would not like to know your mum, dad or husband :)

Stop looking for external validation from people who take you for granted.

You sound like a person I would be very happy to have as a friend :)

Your husband is a first class asshole.

He is neither kind nor good.

Talk to your therapist about the normalization of abuse from your parents that has allowed you to accept the treatment this loser sees fit to mete out to you.

Honestly, your 5 year old, sounds like the one to listen to! Children are very honest and he listed some lovely qualities - believe him!

Just loving your children and being a good mum covers so many amazing qualities - selfless, caring, loving, patient, kind, safe to name a few!

You do sound lovely. Not putting yourself at risk for a stranger doesn't mean that you lack integrity - it means that you have boundaries (and not many mothers will risk their lives). So to some degree you value yourself even though your mother clearly doesn't value you much. Is she one of those people who thinks someone can only have a good personality if they’re extroverted? I thought I had a rubbish personality for years because of people going on about people with ‘big’ personalities.

I avoid people too. If I see someone I know on a dog walk I mutter ‘Oh God’ and try to hide behind a tree. Then I put on a smile and talk to them and they think I’m lovely. It isn’t even false - it’s just that it takes a lot of energy and disrupts my routine.

I absolutely agree, you sound lovely. It sounds like you are being "reduced" by the people around you, which is absolutely a reflection of them, NOT you.

Oh, and by the way, I think you should copy that list and keep it on your phone so you can remind yourself of what you are really like, when those around you are trying to put you down!

I don't know why the people in your life (your ma & DH) are so unkind, OP.
It could be that you're selectively editing (hearing) stuff they say to fit with prejudice you already have (about yourself).

The pound coin thing is bonkers, though. If that's what he focuses on, then he's not a reliable observer or judge.

This is why we need friends, I'm sure if you asked my friends they would say very different things from my family. I find it hard as well and after my recent health problems hardly have any left. I find it hard just having family around me, it's not just about validation. I think it's natural to want to have strong bonds with people that we get on with