Basically I’m an awful person

[Archeron]

I’m autistic and I struggle to make friends or get hired. My counsellor suggested I have low self esteem and it’s preventing me from trying to make friends or apply for jobs. She told me to write down my good qualities, and to ask people who know me what my good qualities are.

So I asked my mother what are my good qualities? She said none - you’re a whinger and a terrible housewife and I can’t even say you have a good personality because you don’t really. Then she felt guilty and said well I suppose you’re very clever and you love your kids.

Then I asked DH, who said I’m very clever and logical and work to a high standard. But he looked at the long list of positive personal qualities provided by my counsellor and he couldn’t say that any of them apply to me. He even crossed off some positive qualities that I had written down about myself. I said why did you marry me then? He said because you used to be pretty.

Finally I asked my father. He said I’m very clever and organised. But again he couldn't list any good personal qualities. I said why do you like me then? He said because you’re my flesh and blood.

So basically this has just confirmed that I’m an awful person and this is why nobody wants to be my friend or hire me. If my own parents and husband can’t say anything positive about me then what chance do I have.

You're not an awful person, you're just surrounded by awful people (sorry!)
I wouldn't dream of saying that to my DW - a partner's job is to build the other person up, not tear them down.

Maybe you are depressed and have low self esteem because everyone around you is an arsehole?
If you are self aware enough to ask the questions it seems likely that you are aware enough to be a nice person. I think you have identified the source of your low self esteem…

'Maybe you are depressed and have low self esteem because everyone around you is an arsehole?'

Spot on. I think autism (regardless of its undoubted challenges) may not turn out to be the problem here.

I'm sorry you're so badly accompanied in life. Take what your parents and husband said back to the counsellor. I'm sure she'll have something to say about it, and quite possibly not what you think she will.

Yip I agree you are surrounded by arseholes OP 😳 you have many qualities I used to use alphabet listing my kids special qualities I'll start you off you are an amazing person 💕

Oh my goodness, they are horrid people!! Maybe they are the reason that you have such low self-esteem. That is an evil thing to say to your child anyway, but to say it to your child when they are at their lowest, that's unforgivable. You are not an awful person. Do not listen to them. They are projecting their insecurities onto you. You are a good person, and you need good people in your life. They aren't those people.

You’re not awful they are dreadful things to say.

OMG! No wonder you have low self esteem. My hunch is that you do have many likeable qualities but you have been ground down by the people around you.

My father is autistic himself and has no friends, so I can forgive him for not being able to describe my positive qualities. He is very kind and generous to me.

My mother is just very selfish and narrow minded. She thinks the be-all and end-all of life is being a good housewife, keeping the house spotless and having your husbands dinner on the table when he walks through the door. She constantly tells me I’m lazy and I don’t clean enough, and I should be satisfied with my lot in life because I have a house and a family, and that should be enough. She constantly berates me for reading or having hobbies when there is ironing to be done. She has called me selfish for wanting to apply for jobs when I should be prioritising looking after my children. I don’t know why I bothered asking her.

I’m disappointed in DH though. He crossed kind, reliable and trustworthy off my list. He said I’m not kind because I avoid interacting with people due to my autism, I’m not reliable because I’m too forgetful, and I’m not trustworthy because last week he saw me pick up a pound coin off the floor in the supermarket and pocket it.

Thank you, that has made me cry because nobody ever says anything nice to me.

She constantly berates me for reading or having hobbies when there is ironing to be done. She has called me selfish for wanting to apply for jobs when I should be prioritising looking after my children.

This one snippet gives us an idea of what you are like and strongly points to the following good qualities:

'berates me for reading' = you read because you have an interest in the world around you and how others experience it. You are setting a good example to your children by reading instead of sitting watching TV or limiting yourself 'housewife work'.

'having hobbies' = you're an interesting person because you have a life and interests beyond just being with and looking after your family

'There is ironing to be done' = you're a step better than me if you bother to iron 😅

'wanting to apply for jobs' = you have ambition and you want to contribute to a workplace and want to contribute to the family income.

I think you're ok OP and you need to hold on to the fact that there are good things about you that will be recognised by others (especially if you're allowed to pursue a life outside the family home)

Normal parents provide unconditional love to their children and see the good in their children - it comes automatically and naturally. So, the fact they are being mean tells us a great deal about them as parents but absolutely nothing about you.

Same with a good husband - they support and build you up. Again, the fact your husband is mean about you tells us all a great deal about him but absolutely nothing about you.

These are toxic people in your life are pulling you down. You are not the problem here, there is nothing wrong with you.

The way they talked to you was incredibly cruel and absolutely unwarranted. In particular: "I can’t even say you have a good personality because you don’t really." and "I said why did you marry me then? He said because you used to be pretty." are not normal and are really nasty. Did they need to say this - they must have known by saying this that they would hurt you. They deliberately chose to hurt you. It is these comments that confirm to me that they are the problem, not you.

Interestingly, despite their best efforts to pull you down, they couldn't hide the fact you possess some really amazing qualities.

For example, you are clever and work to a high standard. Even the horrible and mean people surrounding you cannot deny this about you. These are amazing qualities to have and are precisely the qualities people hiring for jobs want.

Personally, on a friendship and relationship level, having a clever friend or partner is something I value as conversations are always interesting. I'm sure many others look for this too. Being good at housework is really, really low on my list of qualities I look for. It is an odd thing for your mum to bring up - maybe there is truth in it, but who actually cares? It says to me that instead of looking for good things she was actually intentionally looking for bad.

You love your kids. This is really important too. I really wish you had experienced that love from your own parents.

Omg OP can't believe what your mum said 😱 you are braver than you know don't listen to any of them 💐 xxx

I often think I am a horrible person, but I tell you what, there is not one single person in my life that, even if I WAS a horrible person, would EVER agree with it. Please reconsider the people you seek solace from, they are the issue not you. Very few people are without redeeming qualities, Im sure you are absolutely lovely, caring, thoughtful, a GREAT mum and someone that puts everyone elses wellbeing above your own by the sounds of the shit you put up with.

You dont need anyone else to validate you, you got this. Get rid of the dead weight and start believing in yourself x

You have a beautiful heart x

You are a caring mother x

You're courageous in how you're fighting to improve your life.

(Also, when we've had cold/ toxic parent figures, we often unconsciously recreate that dynamic with our future romantic partners. So it might not be a coincidence that both your mother and your husbands are wankers.)

Is your husband autistic at all ?

That coin story is bizarre. Who would label someone untrustworthy based on one incident of pocketing a lost £1 coin? Has he labeled you unreliable because of just one incident or are there dozens of times that you flaked out in the last year and let people down.

Kindness does not = putting other first at every opportunity. I'm not sure he understands what kindness is.

How about intregrity, OP. Do you try to do the right thing even when it's difficult and might put you at any disadvantage or require extra effort?

Does your mum care about your feelings at all?

You have to stop seeking validation from others, otherwise you will always be disappointed. It's not what they say about you, it's what you say about you that makes all the difference. Someone elses opinion of you doesn't define you. I learnt that the hard way. So now l always speak very kindly to myself, l clap and cheer for myself, and l no longer need the approval of others, It's very freeing as well as empowering.

I’m not trustworthy because last week he saw me pick up a pound coin off the floor in the supermarket and pocket it.

That's not really what trustworthy means. That's finders keepers! What did you spend it on?

Thank you for the kind comments. I know you don’t know me but it means a lot that someone thinks I’m capable of being nice.

I know I shouldn’t rely on others for validation but that was part of the counselling exercise. To ask my family what they see in me, to demonstrate that my negative self image isn’t how others see me. Unfortunately it has backfired. The only person in real life who has said something nice when asked is my 5yo, who said I am loving, caring and kind.

No DH isn’t diagnosed autistic, he doesn’t struggle with things like bright lights or get overwhelmed like I do. But he is very quiet and doesn’t have many friends.

Yes I do think I have a history of being unreliable I’m afraid. My autism makes me very forgetful and I find it hard to get stuff done. I think ‘poor executive function’ is the official word for it. I use calendars and alarms and lists to help me remember to do stuff, and I can cope pretty well work-wise if I use these techniques. But everyday life is less structured so it’s harder, if DH just sends me a text and doesn’t remind me I will forget, and I am often late.

I don’t agree that I’m untrustworthy though. DH said I am because I picked up a coin and kept it. He thinks I should have handed it to the staff in case someone had lost it and came asking for it. If it was a large amount of money I would have done, but it was just a pound. I’m generally an honest person though, I don’t purposely do anything dishonest.

Deciding your character on basis of what happened to a lousy £1 coin is very not rational.

Why did you think you might be kind, OP? What kind things have you done for anyone lately?

ps:

are you in debt?

Do your children talk to you & like to tell you about their thoughts & day?

How about intregrity, OP. Do you try to do the right thing even when it's difficult and might put you at any disadvantage or require extra effort?

I try to do the right thing and be fair. Like if I was overpaid I’d pay back the difference. But I wouldn’t put myself at risk for someone else except for my kids. So for example if I saw someone being attacked I’d call the police but I wouldn’t intervene. I would report something bad but anonymously so it doesn’t come back on me. So maybe I only have a limited amount of integrity.

I'd keep a pound I found on the floor. If I dropped a quid, I doubt I'd even notice it was gone. And there's nothing wrong with being forgetful. Big deal if you're not a Filofax! These are not terrible character flaws. They're just normal human behaviours.

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you're surrounded by arseholes.