Rumination

[CrazilySensitive]

I'm stuck in a rumination loop. I suffer from OCD, and I just can't get myself out of this cycle of going over things. Often minor things, but they get blown up as huge in my mind.
I tried starting a thread in Chat, but no response, so thought I'd try here

@begaydocrime42 thank you. That's interesting. I should try classes. I've tried meditation on my own, but find it almost impossible to switch off. Classes, and some direction, might help me to be able to get the knack of it more

I make an effort to have quite a balanced and mindful life generally but it takes effort. Finding this explanation of how my brain seems to ‘diverge’ from the ideal is really helpful as, like you said, it gives an explanation and takes away a little of the hidden shame that my feelings can be so extreme. I’m really glad it might be helpful for you, too.

It’s ironic that the conversation that triggered my spiral yesterday was a work one, where the person I spoke to (my manager who happens to be the head of HR) is quite unaware of the impact of their ‘bulldozer’ approach, whilst banging the drum for inclusivity (perhaps not as aware of possible neurodiversity)!

This TED talk is really helpful https://www.ted.com/talks/guywinchhwhyweeallneeddtopracticeeemotionalfirstt_aid

It was your birthday, your 40th! He was hassling you about something, you asked him not to, and he kept going. OP, that would upset anyone! He ruined your birthday. Please consider anger as an appropriate response here! People do cry from anger.

I just can't even. Everyone suggesting medication and classes when your mind is on your side. Stop turning good, healthy anger into self hatred! Anger is okay.

It’s ironic that the conversation that triggered my spiral yesterday was a work one, where the person I spoke to (my manager who happens to be the head of HR) is quite unaware of the impact of their ‘bulldozer’ approach, whilst banging the drum for inclusivity (perhaps not as aware of possible neurodiversity)!

Another case of unexpressed anger.

@Zuyi oh wow, a very different perspective. You know, that's liberating to hear. I feel like he ruined my birthday; but I thought I was being daft. I know he didn't mean to, he'd been drinking, and he apologised. I know he was only joking with his teasing, so I excused him the first time. It was when he persisted, after I said not to that I got very upset, as I felt disrespected. He has since acknowledged that.
I think it's probably a bit of both. I'm upset about his carelessness. But also think I've built it up in my mind to be an even bigger thing than it was.

I'm wondering if I could do something nice on a different day, I'd recover from it?

It's actually got worse, as I tried to talk to my sister, with whom I have a great relationship usually. She hasn't been her usual patient self at all, and has defended him. She's totally blamed my OCD, and says I need therapy. So, I've really been feeling wretched all week. Quite beside myself in fact. It's been lovely weather, and I've not been able to enjoy it.

Anyway, never mind. My 30th was even more disastrous! Maybe my 0-on-the-end birthdays don't suit me, as I get too stressed. Maybe I'll buck the trend, and turn 2-on-the-end birthdays into the important ones instead?! I guess it's all societal.

Anyway, thank you for helping me feel like I'm not totally in the wrong x

Thanks @Defiantlynot41 (maybe I'll decide to be defiantly not 40!)

I'll give that a watch later

I mean, it was your BIRTHDAY. so even if you were being unreasonable (and it doesn't sound as if you were) you're allowed to be. And these decade birthdays are so full of angst, even at the best of times. Most people go a bit crazy and have to be indulged. I'm sorry you had mean guests. I feel bad for you. Please don't internalise your righteous indignation! You can forgive them or not, up to you, but don't blame yourself for how you felt on your birthday!

Aww, thank you @Zuyi . That's very kind. Yes, I guess I feel hurt that I've been left feeling I'm in the wrong, when, as you say, I needed to be indulged a bit. I just needed a little patience from people.
Never mind. I actually prefer autumn to summer, and I'm very busy the next few weeks, so I'll maybe have a nice day out in autumn with a couple of well-chosen friends, and welcome the new decade then instead.
I think I've internalised a narrative that I'm 'the difficult one' (of my family) I've suffered with my mental health since age 11, and didn't know what was happening to me, so probably did become a very difficult and troubled teenager. But, I can only say that I try, and have always tried, to moderate my behaviour, and reduce its impact on others etc. I think this feeling that I overreacted, and couldn't control my emotions has got me horribly down. I'm starting to feel a little better today.
I definitely have forgiven them, as they meant no harm. But still feel hurt.
Anyway, thank you so much for your posts

I've just watched this. It's fantastic. What a lovely man. So wise. I love what he says about rumination. It's very helpful. Thank you

I'm glad I started this thread. Every single message has been helpful. From the ones with advice and recommendations going forward; to more recent ones validating my birthday blues. Different perspectives, but all useful.
I think living with mental illness is just hard, and makes life hard. Challenges become exaggerated. It'll all be over one day thankfully. But, in the interim, I've had some tips here to help me survive this crazy game of life, as an incredibly thin-skinned person.
Thank you all very much 🥰

Ive really struggled with this over the years t then it was really bad 2 years ago. What really helped me break that loop was a combination of exercise, talking therapies, CBT and peaceful podcasts. I started to find that the rumination went from ever 5 minutes thinking about the same thing even waking up think about those things to now every couple of months thinking about certain past things. Im still working on it but its been so much better and peaceful finding these thoughts finally under control as likewise it felt impossible to stop that never ending loop of thoughts

Thank you @toddlermom1 for sharing your experience.
Actually, I've wondered about more exercise. I walk everywhere, but could do with something more cardiovascular maybe...
I'm so glad you're feeling more at peace these days. That's encouraging to hear 😊

Can you recommend any peaceful podcasts?
sorry to say I also struggle with this too and am
currently over analysing a basic conversation today so am filled with anxiety. Mine always gets much worse on an evening and although I read I could do with listening as sometimes struggle to focus.

@Newnameforme123 sorry, I only just saw your post. How are you now? I'm up in the night worrying about stuff!
If I hear of any great podcasts that help, I'll let you know x

Some helpful podcasts

Get lifted with Lisa Snowden
Happier with Gretchen Rubin ( I'd also recommend her books on happiness - the happiness project, better than before, happier at home)
Meditation minis
Ten percent happier with Dan Harris

I also like the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle, encourages you to think about what made you happy when you were eight and do some of that - weird but it works!

Ah, thanks for these

There are some more resources here https://www.get.gg/ocd-self-help/

@BambooWhoosh ah, thank you. That's really helpful 🙂