Severely mentally Ill mother

[karisa282]

Hi
my mother is 55, moved from cuba to U.K. age 26 with no immediate family around except her husband me and my brother.

She has a history of chronic depression , smokes and doesn’t want to quit.
in 2020 her mother passed away from CoVID in Miami and she spent 2020-2022 in America with her sister.
she has not been able to get over her mothers passing and still wails most nights and talks to her dead mother and current medication (mirtazapine 45) hasn’t helped too much and she doesn’t sleep at night.

she lives with my dad who gives her spending money for the grandkids but he thinks she is buying clonazepam off the internet ( she did in the past ) very expensive £2 a tablet as she is spaced out /confused and can’t walk most days .

my dad and her sister keep nagging me to visit her more and that her seeing the grandkids will solve everything but even after such outings in the past she will relapse quickly. I don’t like hiding much as she is a smoker and I don’t like exposing my kids to the third hand smoke on her clothes even if she smokes outside. They don’t nag my brother much who has a daughter age 2 and has only seen my mum about 3-4 times since December 2022 when she got back from America .
when me and her have a disagreement for instance I told her not to send my photos to certain people she doesn’t have healthy discussion about it she just storms off outside and I don’t like the kids seeing her unstable behaviour.

I have to ring her Gp at 8am in the mornings to try and get her a phone appointment but there’s no guarantee she’ll answer the phone. We’ve tried to get her to counselling referrals but she doesn’t answer and can’t seem to stick at anything. It’s exhausting for me mentally as I have Aspergers and anxiety and have to treat her like a kid as she can’t be trusted to make her own appointments. I do think an inpatient stay at a women’s hospital would be what she needs as she’ll get instant access to counselling.

She has a stigma about inpatient hospitals probably from movies she thinks they’re for crazy people and she shouts when I suggested it

She won’t even exercise and gets swollen feet every day very inactive due to the depression
my dad is 70 and has his own issues and he’s doing everything for her brings her shopping etc and it makes me upset that she doesn’t become more active

Can’t your father get her to the GP? This isn’t on you to solve.

Is there any opportunity for your dad or you to talk to the GP as it does sound like hospital is the place for your mom. Can you just call it hospital not treatment centre etc. I am wondering if your Mom is also on the autism spectrum and has never being diagnosed and its only becoming a serious issue now as she ages. I hope it's appropriate to suggest that. Obviously she would be upset by her mothers death but her reaction seems extreme. Her doctor needs to know about her drug taking before he can prescribe anything. I wouldn't worry about exercise etc at the moment as she is just too ill. You are right not to expose your dc if she is behaving in strange ways.

This is the thing he’s with her when she’s having these breakdowns and is unsteady on her feet but he doesn’t ring 111 mental health services instead he asked me to ring on Monday after he’s gone abroad - she was ironically supposed to go with him until the morning of the trip she decided the abroad country would be too hot which is true but why did she book the ticket in first place ?

I get audio messages from her sister in America every 2 days telling me to visit her and take the kids to lift her spirits but nothing every changes

she likely needs intense DBT therapy for a personality disorder which doesn’t seem available on nhs and even the self referrals relies on her answering the phone to make the appointment and she’s terribly unreliable

Cuban people in general appear different they’re quite loud she makes good eye contact and can read emotions
the only thing is when she offers people seconds at dinner she doesn’t take no for an answer the first three times which makes people frustrated and she has explosive anger which may be borderline personality

Has she always been like this? Or is this a more recent development?

She’s always been agitated and over protective and had explosive anger and fought a lot verbally with my dad
but the last 3-4 years she got out of hand- she has painful arthritis and fibromyalgia.

shes asking for more funds to buy the kids presents but we don’t think it will all be used for the kids
I think my dad is wary of her shouting when she doesn’t get her way and he’d rather keep the peace and give her pocket money .

the Gp prescribed her tramadol despite its horrible effects ( sleepiness/confusion /paranoia) and instead of taking it at night she abuses it and takes it in the day. We asked her to bin the tramadol

No one can be sure exactly what she’s putting in her body.

Specific therapies for personality disorders, including DBT are available on the NHS.

I would tell you Aunt to quit asking you to take the children round it is not a suitable environment for them. Even if you did visit with them, keep it short and don't do it often.

All day I’ve got texts from my dad saying that I’m the main reason for her relapse

that she needs the kids more than me

all entitled narcissistic comments but they are unaware

You can’t diagnose her.
You can’t tell her not to take medication she has been prescribed.
You can contact GP and explain your concerns.
You can tell your dad it’s up to him and her to sort any issues not you.
If they text putting pressure on you then don’t reply.
If they call and put pressure on you then hang up.
You need to put in place your own boundaries. If that means low or even no contact then so be it.

When I try my mum tells me things like
”how can you ignore your own mother “

she won’t seek help with smoking exercise or her mental health but complains of her issues daily .

Don’t speak to her daily. At all if necessary.

Islam has an elevated status for mothers and she will use that if we don’t treat her the way she wants .

“Whether one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of annoyance and do not repel them, but rather speak to them a noble word. Lower to them the wing of humility for them, out of mercy, and say: My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small.”

id like her to find some hobbies and exercise outside but she doesn’t the only place she might go is a restaurant

She can’t use it if you don’t engage with her rubbish. If necessary go no contact.

You are right
today we went as she said she’s cooking since 3am last night

when we get there she’s asleep as she didn’t sleep all night as usual as her medication she takes during day makes her sleep

then she comes down an hour later
my dad and husband removed the rug from the lounge to clean it
when she found out, she started shouting in the conservatory and wouldn’t stop going on about the carpet and how my dad leaves things on the floor all the time
I told her shouting upsets me and she said I grew up with shouting parents
then I told her I don’t have to expose my kids or me to this environment and she said she should have left my dad when he used to verbally abuse her and she does the gestures every time - pretending to hold 2 small kids arms and walking away

I finally glared at her very angrily and told her I’m leaving and she said “how can you look at your mother like that” I said it’s better than hurting you and she said “ you would hurt your own mother “

she then calls my brother and tells him not come to dinner and I tell him on the phone would you expose your daughter to this shouting and he said no
so that’s been a wake up call for her

I told her that her way of communicating is wrong she can express dislike of the carpet removal in other ways that are not shouting and emotionally damaging

im upset as she ruins the kids birthdays like this at the end of their lovely day she doesn’t things like this and blames her abusive marriage

I told her I could feel my blood pressure rising and she said “me too” there’s no empathy from her as she believe her own sufferings are greater

she said it’s my fault that no one got the dinner and that she’s too upset to eat

At the point at which she’s shouting you say please don’t shout or we are leaving.
Shout!
Leave.

No need for comments about your childhood and how dirty looks are better than hurting her. This is all so destructive and unhealthy. Stop engaging.

In the end i feel guilty because she cooked for everyone and my father said she’s like this because I’m too judgemental with her he doesn’t mention the years of emotional abuse he put her through he said it’s up to me to fix her but I get palpitations and headache when I just think of going there she has a very argumentative nature and she could go off at any time which is very anxiety

She doesn’t usually lash out like this in from my brother as he’s very busy and doesn’t see her much
she even has a small meltdown when I didn’t put enough x on a gift for my niece

whatever meds she has ordered online are affecting her but she lies about it she also got a credit card and lied to me about it and she won’t be able to pay it as she doesn’t have any income

You can’t fix her. It’s not your job to even try.
It is your job to preserve your own MH and not let her make you feel this rubbish. Or to subject your kids to this.

Yes but she sends messages after like she’s sorry she’s a bad mother who gifted her grandkids presents and she said if my counsellor told me not to visit then I shouldn’t and that she forgives me and blesses me I don’t know what the message is for is it to make me doubt myself

It doesn’t matter what she intends. If seeing her is making you stressed or miserable then don’t. What does your counsellor say?

Counsellors told me to limit contact which we do but they make me feel so guilty that on any weekend I feel I should be spending time with them

then daily I get a 100 word text from my dad that she only shouts as she is drowsy and confused after she wakes up from her day nap and I should understand
we have told her to take her antidepressant at night so many times but she doesn’t

She’s Very difficult with my father when she wakes from her naps she starts shouting about past events long ago
we want to call 111 and ask for a mental health urgent assessment but she would refuse

Sounds like a lot of this is down to her relationship with your father and from what I’ve read here I dint think much of him.
He is using you and your children as sacrificial lambs so he doesn’t have to deal with her . He needs to step up and help his wife instead of telling you to. Is there cultural sexism here? As a woman you are supposed to take a caring role?