Severely mentally Ill mother

[karisa282]

Hi
my mother is 55, moved from cuba to U.K. age 26 with no immediate family around except her husband me and my brother.

She has a history of chronic depression , smokes and doesn’t want to quit.
in 2020 her mother passed away from CoVID in Miami and she spent 2020-2022 in America with her sister.
she has not been able to get over her mothers passing and still wails most nights and talks to her dead mother and current medication (mirtazapine 45) hasn’t helped too much and she doesn’t sleep at night.

she lives with my dad who gives her spending money for the grandkids but he thinks she is buying clonazepam off the internet ( she did in the past ) very expensive £2 a tablet as she is spaced out /confused and can’t walk most days .

my dad and her sister keep nagging me to visit her more and that her seeing the grandkids will solve everything but even after such outings in the past she will relapse quickly. I don’t like hiding much as she is a smoker and I don’t like exposing my kids to the third hand smoke on her clothes even if she smokes outside. They don’t nag my brother much who has a daughter age 2 and has only seen my mum about 3-4 times since December 2022 when she got back from America .
when me and her have a disagreement for instance I told her not to send my photos to certain people she doesn’t have healthy discussion about it she just storms off outside and I don’t like the kids seeing her unstable behaviour.

I have to ring her Gp at 8am in the mornings to try and get her a phone appointment but there’s no guarantee she’ll answer the phone. We’ve tried to get her to counselling referrals but she doesn’t answer and can’t seem to stick at anything. It’s exhausting for me mentally as I have Aspergers and anxiety and have to treat her like a kid as she can’t be trusted to make her own appointments. I do think an inpatient stay at a women’s hospital would be what she needs as she’ll get instant access to counselling.

You are not responsible for her mental health. You can’t make her well.
She can’t make you guilty if you cut contact! Maybe that is better. Limit how they can contact you at least. Screen calls.etc.

Hi it’s nothing to do with cultural gender roles
he has tried everything with her and cares for her daily but he has reached a limit where her shouting and confusion /refusal to seek help is too much for him and he’s 69 so she should be the younger more fit one.

In Islam there’s a big emphasis on your parents raised you as infants and so looking after them in old age is the least you can do /your duty
however they don’t pester my brother much as he’s usually busy
seeing them brings back lots of things for me
When I was as young as 7 my mother would use me as her counsellor - telling me the marriage problems as she had no one and all her family was back in the carribean I’ve struggled with anxiety and palpitations since childhood yes I have Aspergers so was more prone to these conditions but the environment was toxic

Honestly both your parents are treating you really badly and they have also conditioned you to think you jatve to put their needs in front of your own. You don't!

Your priority here must absolutely be your own children and they do not need a stressed bullied mum. And they do not need to witness your parents' outbursts and mistreatment of you.

Apologising and buying your kids is just part of the abuse really. Making you feel guilty, sucking you back in so they can abuse you all over again.

It really is not your job to fix your parents' problems, especially when they are completely failing to help themselves, and abusing you instead

Sounds very difficult.
I had no idea there was a Muslim community in Cuba

My mother wasn’t Muslim before she met my dad she is a revert

I used to send them articles about toxic grandparents and was amazed at how many of the boxes she ticked

she always says things like “you only have one mother “
”don’t remember me after I’ve gone “

but the articles only made her say even more manipulative stuff that I’m ungrateful daughter
it may have to be just meeting in a public place from now on once a month

Shes been texting me today usual very long texts about her blood pressure going up , her marriage history , and that there’s no point in counselling as her triggers are all around her

I’ve referred her several times for CBT but she doesn’t pick up the phone
she’s abusive and confused when she wakes up from her naps thanks to tramadol pain pills and I don’t t like my dad having to deal with that all the time
would the council send a carer/social worker to help her ?

Today I didn’t answer so what they do is they call my husband who never fails to pass the phone to me
then she asks me if I was at her house today as she saw me! Apparently just a very real dream. She’s also confused about timeline of things and thinks something that happened just a few days ago is next weekend!

I keep answering the phone
this morning at 6.30am he rang but she talked
she started catastrophising that a relative abroad has CoVID (my dad just came from there) and she’s worried she’s given us all CoVID

I told her to stop making a big deal and she said
“ok you don’t want to talk to your mum ok”
then she hung up

does anyone know if 111 offer urgent mental health assessments?

OP she must have been like this before the tablets magnified it. It seems to be baked into her view of the world that you are there to serve her and that she is the perpetual victim. I am not sure 111 can do anything for that. And uf she doesn't accept MH help you have organised, there is nothing you can do.

The thing you can do is stop believing her nonsense, stop believing her when she blames and abuses you.

She may be unwell, she may be unhappy, but THESE ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEMS AND YOU CANNOT FIX THEM.

they are her problems, and only she can fix them

And tell you dh he has to screen out their calls as well ffs. He needs to protect you, not just hand the phone over so you can be abused!

She’s now under the mental crisis team which is a 24hr service
they saw her yesterday and apparently she acted normal and they reassured her she wouldn’t be sectioned

then at night she wakes my dad at 11pm and goes downstairs and starts punching the kitchen Worksop with very loud noises screaming for her mother ( who passed 3 years ago) she left her mother when she was about 26 and only visited Cuba a handful of times so she must feel guilty

the crisis team will be back tomorrow but she doesn’t tell them the truth about how unstable she is

my dad has messaged me to go and see her and I don’t want to it doesn’t change her
until she’s made good progress I don’t want to be around

she keeps messaging me things like she blesses me and forgives me and uses the same line from Islam scriptures about “heaven being under your mothers feet” she’s very calm in her texts and doesn’t mention her punching late night episodes
main issues are she can’t sleep at night despite taking mirtaz

This is definitely one for he doctors not for you. And your Dad needs to get his head round that, ideally.

However, I'm glad you have got your head round it and are refusing to go.

"I can't help, I'm not a doctor, it doesn't make her any better, there's no point" on repeat.

It’s hard seeing other grandparents taking care of the grandkids pick them from school etc babysit at weekends , showing stable emotions.
there was a time she was doing that but not anymore
and at 55 she might need years of therapy if she has a personality disorder or autism.
shes always been emotional and a drama queen but has no insight into her own behaviours unfortunately

if my dad finds it too hard to live with her in her condition what can he do

He can leave.
Neither of you can change or fix her.

We had years of this toxic behaviour from mil and Sil - your post about her having a meltdown because you’d missed an x in a card happened to us too! I also believe Bpd and/or autism is at play for us and your stories are similar.

Turn your focus away from her and onto what you want. You’re being manipulated and abused so don’t allow her to do this. By going round and answering the phone you’re feeding into the drama being created by her so Stop- Stop answering the phone, stop going round.

Your Dad needs to tell the mental health team what’s actually going on - being silent will enable her behaviour to continue and prevent her getting the right help.

I may have to go over today as the crisis team are coming and I’ll mention her punching the worktop at night
i just dread she’s going to deny it she really doesn’t mind lying to anyone’s face
i wish they’d take action and hospitalise her but crisis team website said they try to avoid that

I just can’t stand these messages

she sends that she’s been sick and weak and sarcastically says “thanks for asking about your mother God bless you”
are these messages narcissistic or designed to make her seem a victim or martyr

You don’t have to go over.
If you can’t stand the messages you can even change your number!
Her motives don’t matter. You can’t change her behaviour. You can change how and if you engage.

"and at 55 she might need years of therapy if she has a personality disorder or autism.
shes always been emotional and a drama queen but has no insight into her own behaviours unfortunately"

That all made me think that your mother is narcissistic. Narcissistic people tend to have NO empathy nor insight into their own behaviours and do badly in therapy. NPD is a personality disorder and from what you've written about your mother she has an untreated and untreatable personality disorder.

You need to put far more mental distance between you and your parents. She is toxic to be around and has chosen you to be her personal scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Women like this also need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad. And he cannot be relied upon at all either.

What if anything do you know about your mother's childhood; that often gives clues. I can well imagine her relationship with her mother was fraught also; this sort of toxic dysfunction often goes down the generations but it has stopped with you.

Autism is NOT a mental health problem. Please educate yourself further about autism and what that actually is.

Drop the rope she holds out to you.

Very strange relationship when she would visit her mum in Miami she would sleep in her bed and become childlike again
and my grandma was very needy emotionally and always asking us to send more photos , write to her more , visit her
I admit we didn’t visit
she’s been unwell with stomach aches for last 2 weeks and hasn’t rung doctors to submit a sample instead keeps telling us about the unpleasant symptoms

she unfortunately can’t get over her mothers passing

But that’s not your problem. Her problems are hers to deal with. Or not. That’s on her
So much you write about is in the past. And not your past. Stop fixating on her and her problems. Put some boundaries in place. Cease all contact if you have to. Focus on YOUR life and YOUR future.

Well today I was called asking me to bring kids over but I can’t stand the smell there
even though she smokes outside the inside of the house smells I don’t know why

she’s had an upset stomach for a few weeks and won’t tell the doc to submit a sample which is annoying she might be allergic to something